(WIND, WOLF)
GK (ANNC): February, 1806. Not far from what is now Portland, Meriwether Lewis and William Clark and their men are holed up in a log fort fifty feet square, waiting for spring to make their trip back east, to report on the western frontier to President Thomas Jefferson.
(SOME AMBIENT SFX. PACING FOOTSTEPS. RUSTLING. RAIN OUTDOORS.)
TR: Still raining. Every day, nothing but wind and rain. Since November--- twelve days when it didn't rain. Of those, six days when we saw the sun. Six days! Cooped up here in this stinking little fort. Crowded into little huts. Rain pouring down. Half our supplies ---- rotted. Boots, soaking wet. Clothes practically rotting off our backs. Tobacco is all gone. Whiskey's all gone.
GK: I've got a bottle of Kahlua.
TR: Where'd you get, Kahlua, Lewis?
GK: It was a Christmas gift.
TR: (PAUSE) I never touch the stuff.
GK: It's not bad with dog.
TR: Sick of dog.
GK: It's not bad dog.
TR: I never got used to eating dog. Especially the jowls.
GK: Better than venison, if you ask me. Sure better than elk.
TR: Eating dog in the rain--- what a trip. Two years we've been gone. And would Jefferson think to send a ship around to the mouth of the Columbia to pick us up? Would he do that? Ohhhhhhh no! Oh no. We gotta paddle all the way back. Boy, it burns my bacon! President of the United States sends you to the end of the continent, and would he even have the consideration to give you a ride home? Oh no! (PAUSE) Are you listening to me, Lewis?
GK: Listening, Captain Clark.
TR: Look at you. Sitting there, writing descriptions of plants, birds --- who cares?? Nobody's going to come out here. You know why? it rains all the time! What are you doing this for, Lewis?
GK: Why did I make the trip?
TR: Yes. What's all the suffering for, anyway?
GK: (HE STANDS AND WALKS AS HE TALKS) By fall, we should be back in St. Louis. By winter, I'll be in New York. I'll be going to dinner parties. And somebody'll turn to me and say, "So what have you been up to lately?" And I'll say, "I went to Oregon." And suddenly the room is still. Beautiful women turn toward me. And one of them says, "What was that like, Oregon?" And I'll tell them. All the adventures. The Indians. The whitewater rivers. The hunting. The day we came over the hill and saw the Pacific. I'll be invited to dinner parties for the next thirty years, Captain Clark.
(KNOCK ON CABIN DOOR, DOOR OPENS, LOUDER RAIN OUTSIDE, THUNDER AND LIGHTNINE)
GK: Yes, Sergeant? What is it?
TK: A bunch of Indians outside, sir. Brought a present for you. Corporal---bring her in here.
(RUSTLING OF TWO FIGURES ENTERING, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: It's a beautiful maiden with laughing eyes and long black hair. Who sent her, sergeant?
TK: One of the chiefs. She's a gift. For you.
GK: Very well. Close the door.
TK: Yes, sir. (DOOR SLAM)
GK: Tell the woman to return to her village, Corporal.
TR (CLINTON): If I may, sir----
GK: What is it, Corporal----
TR (CLINTON): It's an old Indian custom, sir, presenting young women to visiting leaders, and I think that if you were to just send her back, they'd probably be tremendously insulted and think that you didn't appreciate their gift, so----
GK: What are you saying, Corporal?
TR (CLINTON): I'm saying that I think we could try to find her employment of some sort, sir.
GK: What's your name, ma'am?
SS: Monica.
GK: That's not an Indian name, is it?
SS: It is. It means, "She who is waiting to be called as a witness".
GK: Interesting. Take her back to her tribe, corporal.
TR (CLINTON): Yes, sir.
GK: And tell them that we deeply appreciate the gesture but that this sort of relationship goes against the wishes of the Great Father.
TR (CLINTON): Yes, sir.
SS: You wouldn't happen to have any spare beads, would you?
GK: No, I wouldn't.
SS: Or Kahlua?
GK: I have a little Kahlua.
SS: I really like Kahlua.
GK: Where did you ever find Kahlua out here?
SS: In my homeland, far from here in the hills that are called Beverly.
GK: Take it. It's yours.
SS: The whole bottle?
GK: Take it.
SS: Thanks. ---I like your neckerchief. It's really cool. Is it a Calvin Klein?
GK: I don't know what you're talking about. Take her away now, Corporal.
SS: Would you mind if one of your men came in and did a pencil sketch of you and me together? so I could show my friends? would that be okay?
GK: All right. Go find one of the men who draws, Corporal. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.)
SS: What are you doing?
GK: I'm writing up my observations of natural phenomena.
SS: Are you writing about me?
GK: No, I'm not.
TR: He's writing about birds and trees, ma'am. Goodness knows why. (HE RESUMES PACING) Birds and trees and rocks and ---. (PACING STOPS)
GK: What are you looking at?
TR: You misspelled "sexual". It's not spelled "s-u-c-c-e-s," it's spelled---
GK: I'm not writing "sexual" ---- I'm writing about the successful conclusion of our expedition!
TR: Oh. Thought you were writing about sex.
GK: I'm not, okay?
SS: Are you writing about me now?
GK: No!
(KNOCKS ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS, TWO MEN ENTER. LOUDER RAINFALL, THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. DOOR CLOSE.)
TK: You want somebody to do a pencil sketch of you, sir?
GK: Yes. A picture of me and the Indian maiden. It's for her. And make it quick. I'm busy.
TK: Yes, sir.
SS: How about if I wear your neckerchief and we sit side by side and you're looking at me and smiling and I have my left hand touching your cheek? Is that okay? I'd just like it as a memento.
GK: No. a forward picture, Sergeant. And then you go back to your tribe.
TK: Would you mind turning this way, sir?
GK: (SIGH) Don't make a big production of this, sergeant. Just a quick sketch, okay?
TR: I can't wait for April when we finally pull out of here and head east.
GK: We'll leave when the weather clears up, Captain Clark.
TR: Be in St. Louis by fall. First thing I do when I get back is to take a hot bath and have me a glass of hot brandy to get the taste of dog out of my mouth.
GK: It's not bad dog.
TR: I was talking to Sacagawea the other day, I said, "Hey. Sac. You're wise in the ways of the forest, why not go out and find us some roots and ferns, make a salad ----- and she said something under her breath in Indian that I'm pretty sure was "may there be bird droppings in your muesli". Boy, she's been a pill lately. Still miffed about not getting her name on the expedition. Somehow she expected it to be the Lewis, Clark, and Sacagawea Expedition. Incredible. Somebody said she's writing a book. They said she's gotten an advance of a hundred thousand beads. They said she's finished the first chapter and it says that, in Montana, while she was getting into a canoe, you put your hand on her leg.
GK: What????
TR: She said you were trying to reach up her skirt.
GK: I was helping her into the boat!
TR: She didn't see it that way.
GK: I clasped my hands together and held them down for her to step on and not get her feet wet.
TR: She says you clasped your hands around her thigh.
GK: She did? Would you mind???
SS: What?
GK: Don't put your hand on my cheek.
SS: What's wrong?
GK: Don't put your hand on my cheek.
SS: What's the problem?
GK: Sit over there or you're out of here.
SS: Okay, okay, okay......
GK: Have you read this book yourself, Captain Clark?
TR: No, but one of the fur traders has. He says it's entitled, "Meriwether Lewis: An Intimate Picture ". She says that you asked her to call you "Meri." It'll probably be printed and in the bookstores by the time we get back.
GK: What?? I'll be ruined.
TR: Oh I don't know. They'll probably appoint a special prosecutor. Probably in ten or fifteen years, it'll all blow over.
GK: I go on a two year expedition into unknown territory, I lead the life of a monk, sitting up late at night and writing in my journal by candlelight, recording natural phenomena, and what thanks do I get for it? I become embroiled in scandal.
TR (CLINTON): Sir?
GK: Yes, corporal----
TR (CLINTON): If I may, sir---- you see --- whether you do it or not, people are going to think you did, so you might as well go ahead and do it, because if you tell people you didn't, nobody's going to believe you. So you might as well go ahead and inhale.
GK: That's enough, corporal.
TR (CLINTON): Yes, sir.
GK: Sergeant, are you done with that sketch?
TK: Just want to color the cheeks, sir.
GK: You don't need to color the cheeks, sergeant.
TK: Just makes it look more natural----
GK: Let me see that---- What? you practically put her in my lap!!!
TK: Artistic license, sir!!
GK: Get her out of here.
TR (CLINTON): Yes, sir. Come on, darlin-----
SS: Nice to meet you, Captain Lewis. Thanks for the Kahlua. And the picture.
GK: Go on. Get out. (DOOR OPENS, RAIN AND THUNDER, DOOR CLOSE. PACING RESUMES)
TR: One of these days, a ship is going to come sailing up the Columbia ---- we'll wave to em ---- they'll send a boat ashore ---- with any luck, it'll be an Italian ship ---- they'll take us aboard ----- dinner in the officers' mess ---- a glass of white wine, a Pinot Grigio, and a nice salad ---- oysters ---- a pasta with tomato sauce, cheese, spinach ---- a piece of veal ---- a red wine, maybe a Brunello, or a Chianti ---- cheese cake ----
GK: Captain Clark---- I need you to go down to the beach and check on the salt-making operation. We're going to need a hundred pounds before we get out of here.
TR: Okay. Mind if I take your umbrella?
GK: Go ahead.
TR: I suppose it's going to be dog again for supper, huh?
GK: That's right. Dog. (MUSIC THEME)
SS: On March 23, 1806, the Lewis and Clark Expedition left Oregon and began their four-thousand mile journey back to the United States. They reached St. Louis on September 23rd, after two and a half years away, and travelled to Washington, D.C., where they turned over their journals and reported their findings...
TR: ...that the western lands were rich and fertile, that there was no easy route by water, but that the overland route could be traversed by horse and wagon.
GK: Sacagawea's autobiography was lost when a canoe bearing the manuscript overturned on the Missouri River.
TR: The picture of Meriwether Lewis embracing Monica was accidentally used to start a campfire.
SS: And so a special prosecutor was never appointed, and so Lewis and Clark became national heroes. A college was named for them, and a PBS special was done on them, in which they were portrayed as dedicated explorers and men of science. Nothing was said about what else may or may not have happened on the expedition.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
© 1998 by Garrison Keillor