(GK: Garrison Keillor; KM: Kate MacKenzie)
BOTH: We fell in love at the dance at the castle,
We waltzed in a pure paradise.
KM: I ran down the steps / to go home at midnight
In a pumpkin with a couple of mice.
GK: I found her glass slipper there on the staircase
And searched for the lady it fits.
I asked her---
KM: We married
BOTH: It seemed to be perfect
But soon it turned into the pits.
GK: We came home from the honeymoon, climbed that old staircase
KM: And I saw the dust on the floor.
There were dustballs and hairballs the size of a rabbit,
And the bathroom was hard to ignore.
GK: Weeks went by, months, and the place was a pigsty.
KM: And I knew--- Oh I knew --- what he'd say.
BOTH: Why can't you keep this place clean, Cinderella?
Why must we live this way?
(SPOKEN, OVER VAMP)
KM: Why can't I keep it clean??
GK: It's disgusting. Look. Chicken bones on the floor. Broken glass from your slippers. Dead flowers.
KM: Do I live here alone Is there anyone else living in this room? Huh?
GK: Those aren't my big tufts of golden hair in the bathtub drain. That isn't my makeup strewn from one end of the bathroom to the other.
KM: I'd be more than happy to discuss a system of sharing the cleaning responsibilities, if that interests you.
GK: Sharing!
KM: You never heard of sharing?
GK: I'm a prince
KM: I'm your princess.
GK: Yes, but --- before you married me --- I mean after all I did for you --- your had nothing--- you were a slave---
KM: So--- I don't want to be one again. Okay?
GK: Look. Cindy. You're good at cleaning. Your cleaned your stepmother's place. You're a great hearth sweeper and cook and --- I don't know how to do those things. I'm basically good with swords and I'm a terrific dancer.
KM: (You could) set an example for all of your subjects
If you'd pick up a pail and a mop.
Maybe they'd sweep up the streets and the highways
If some sweeping went on at the top.
If royalty stooped down to pick up a dustmop
Cleaning might gain prestige.
Why don't you be a real prince, Mr. Charming?
Where's your noblesse oblige?
GK: Somehow I never imagined that a fairy tale would turn out like this. Show White didn't do this, did she?
KM: She had dwarves.
GK: The Little Mermaid?
KM: She lived underwater. The currents took care of it.
GK: It was so great falling in love with you, I never stopped to think about housekeeping. What are we going to do? Get slaves? Slaves are hard to get.
KM: Look, Charming--- cleaning is not that hard--- I'll teach you---
GK: Your fairy godmother couldn't - come in a couple days a week---
KM: Nope. Gone.
GK: Gone?
KM: Fairy Godmothers are in big demand these days. She went into management.
GK: Oh.
BOTH: We fell in love at a dance in the castle,
We walked up the aisle side by side.
And now time has passed, and the royal apartment
It smells like royalty died.
The closet's a swamp and the kitchen's a mess
And the bedroom's a shame and disgrace.
The romance was lovely. Last night was a ball
Now it's time to clean up the place.
© 1998 Garrison Keillor