(THREE BIG CHORDS)
TR (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products is pleased to present....The Story of Bob, A Young Artist....
GK: I've been very productive lately ---- the local junior college has asked me to do my performance piece, "Mr. Funny Bunny," in which I use a rabbit suit to explore certain gender issues, and last week I created more than 200 color Polaroids of these spontaneous action installations of Cheese Whiz that I create with a squeeze tube on rocks and snow and stuff ---- They're really quite beautiful.
(BIG ARPEGGIATA THEME, APPASSIONATO, AND UNDER....)
TR: The Story of Bob, starring Carson (Bud) Wyler as Bob, and written by Sara Bellum.
(VIOLIN THEME, AND UNDER....)
(DISHES BEING CLEARED FROM THE TABLE)
SS: You care for another helping of Hula Hotdish, Bob?
GK: No, thanks. ----Would you mind calling me Mr. Bunny when I'm in my costume, Berniece? It helps my concentwation.
SS: Okay. Whatever. Aren't you afraid you're going to get food on that rabbit suit?
GK: Mr. Bunny.
SS: Mr. Bunny what?
GK: Just say it.
SS: Oh, you've got me all confused.
GK: It isn't me who is getting you confused, Berniece. It's the fact that there is confusion and Mr. Funny Bunny makes that clearer. I mean, I make that cweawer.
SS: Anyway, I got three whole helpings of Hula Hotdish. How about it?
GK: No thank you, Berniece. Mr. Bunny has eaten all he can eat.
TR (POPS): Boy, that's for sure. Now I'm just waiting for the little black pellets to hit the floor.
SS: Now don't you go giving Bob a hard time, Pops.
TR (POPS): Must be wonderful. Go around in a rabbit suit and put cheese on things and call it art. Quite the deal.
GK: You are so insulting.
TR: You think that's insulting, wait til I get warmed up.
SS: Pops, how about another Hula Hotdish?
TR (POP): Okay, but hold the pineapple. Those things give me so much gas, I can't keep my socks up. (A SLIGHT BELCH)
SS: And then after we clean up and do dishes, we can drive over to the mall and get in our exercise.
TR (POPS): Sounds like a plan. Hey, Rex? Huh? (DOG PANT, THUMP, JINGLE) Good boy. Rex gets his exercise by chasing rabbits, don't you, boy? Huh? (PANT, THUMP, JINGLE)
SS: You need anything from the mall ---- Mr. Bunny?
GK: I don't, but Bob would like another roll of Polaroid film, I'll bet.
SS: Oh, speaking of film, there was a message for you, Bob. From somebody named Mona.
GK: Mona----
SS: No, not Mona. Maybe it was Moma.
GK: Moma???
TR (POPS): Who is she, some girlfriend?
GK: Was it Moma?
SS: I think so. Yes.
GK: The Museum of Modern Art?
SS: It was a guy.
TR (POPS): A guy named Mona. Oh boy. Wouldn't you know it- ---
GK: Was his name Tom? Tom Dont?
SS: Could be. Sure sounds familiar.
TR (POPS): Could you hear his earrings jingle, Berniece?
GK: You think it was Tom Dont of Moma?
SS: I think so.
TR (POPS): Guys named Mona, Rex. (WOOF) Guys in high heels.
GK: He's the curator of photography. He's the kingmaker in the art world. Did he say what he wanted?
SS: He said he was interested in your Whizzes.
TR (POP): Oh boy. Guys in high heels going in the men's room, Rex. (WOOF)
GK: He said that? He knows about my Whizzes?
SS: What are they anyway?
TR: You don't want to know, Berniece.
GK: They're photographs of action installations.
TR (POP): Oh boy. Guys in high heels taking pictures in the men's room---- oh boy. (WOOF)
SS: He seemed very excited.
TR: I'll bet he was excited!
GK: This could be it! MOMA.
TR: Did you hear a tinkling sound, Berniece? Other than the earrings?
GK: I've got to go to New York, Berniece. Tomorrow. Lend me the money. Please.
SS: Why not just call him up on the telephone?
GK: Because this is my big chance. After all these years, of being trapped by old mind-sets about art ---- I've found my own vocabulary. My own idiom.
TR (POP): Boy, idiom is the word for it all right. Gimme more of that Hula Hotdish there, Berniece.
(KNOCK ON DOOR, AND DOOR OPEN)
TK (OFF): Hi there!
SS: Oh---- hi, Arvid --- come on in---- you care for some Hula Hotdish?
TK: No, thanks. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) I just came over because somebody put cheese all over my mailbox.
SS: Let me get you some hotdish, and afterward I'm sure that Mr. Bunny would be happy to go over and clean up your mailbox for you.
TK: Okay. (HE SITS DOWN)
TR (POPS): Hi, Arvid.
TK: Hi.
TR (POPS): How's it been going then?
TK: Not bad. Except for the cheese. It all froze to the metal.
TR (POPS): Well, it's art, you know.
TK: Oh.
GK: Aren't you going to say hello to Mr. Bunny, Arvid?
TK: Okay. Hello.
GK: Can you say it? Mr. Bunny----
TK: No problem.
SS: (FOOTSTEPS) How's your mother, Arvid?
TK: Fine.
SS: That's nice. And your brother?
TK: He's fine too.
GK: Arvid?
TK: Yes?
GK: Arvid, I think that you and I need to talk about vulnerability- ---
TK: You know, I think I'm just going to take a rain check on that hotdish, Berniece.
GK: That's what Mr. Bunny is all about, Arvid. The fact that weakness in others makes us doubt ourselves---- isn't that intewesting?
TR: It's not Bob. It's a rabbit. So go ahead. Shoot him, Arvid.
TK: I only came in because somebody put cheese all over my mailbox.
SS: Mr. Bunny is going to take care of that, aren't you, Mr. Bunny?
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST....was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)
©1998 Garrison Keillor