(THANKSGIVING MUSIC, TABLEWARE, TV IN BACKGROUND)
SS (GRANDMA): Well, there it is. My 46th consecutive Thanksgiving dinner. Sweet potatoes, turkey, mashed spuds, cranberry, and string beans in cream of mushroom soup with Durkee canned onion rings.
TR: Looks great, Mom.
SS: Where are the kids?
TR: They're busy, Mom. They said they weren't that hungry.
SS: They're sure absorbed in computer games, aren't they? When you were little, you used to go outdoors to play. Of course, you didn't spend 40 hours a week in daycare, either. I raised you myself, I didn't hire somebody----
TR: We've been through this a hundred times.....They're fine, Mom.
SS: Well, I certainly hope so. Not very verbal, but never mind..... Harold, turn off the TV so we can say grace.
TK: Grace. There, I said it. Where's my beer?
SS: Harold, please. It's Thanksgiving.....(MUSIC)
GK: It is Thanksgiving, a day when American families find out how well they can tolerate being together ---- and for how long and if they need to anesthetize themselves. It's a day when we try to put aside our complaints and our resentments and our arguments with each other and feel warm and grateful for God's great generosity toward us.
SS: Excuse me---
GK: Yes----
SS: Brad and I decided we'll come for Thanksgiving after all.
GK: Good. That's great.
SS: But there won't be anybody wearing oil-based perfume, will there? We're both allergic to it - and to smoke...
GK: No, I don't think anybody will.
SS: And Brad is on a low-salt diet, you know.
GK: Good. I'll remember that. Low salt.
SS: Are you serving wine?
GK: Yes, of course.
SS: We need an organic wine.
GK: Okay.
SS: We heard a story on the radio about sulfides in wine and how they affect people with a genetic predisposition to depression.
GK: Okay.
SS: You're not going to invite your brother-in-law, are you?
GK: Cliff? Yeah. He'll be there.
SS: Oh.
GK: Is that a problem?
SS: Well----- last Christmas he talked a lot about football and we both came home with headaches. Also, I cannot sit near anyone who is going to look at my nose.
GK: Okay, I'll let people know.
SS: All these years, I've suffered from low self-esteem. And I never knew it. I never gave myself permission to have low self-esteem. Isn 't that something? (MUSIC)
GK: Nonetheless, many people consider Thanksgiving their favorite holiday of the year. You don't have to shop for presents and you don't have to figure out how much to tip the guy who picks up your recycling. You like Thanksgiving, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Yes, Hillary and I both have always cherished and respected Thanksgiving, along with all of our other fine American holidays, a day when all Americans join hands and forget our differences and unite as a people---
GK: That's great. What's for dinner at the White House, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): It's going to be Chinese takeout this year.
GK: Is this a fundraising event?
TR (CLINTON): Yes, it is.
GK: Okay, you be careful.
TR (CLINTON): I'm being real careful.
GK: Good. It's a simple holiday, Thanksgiving: eight hours of cooking, four hours of football and an eight thousand calorie meal in between, which is not hard to make: a slam-dunk of a meal. Sweet potatoes: either with marshmallows or without. Sage stuffing or cornbread. Fresh cranberries or canned. Butter is the secret of Thanksgiving: you put it in everything, as much as anything will absorb. And the centerpiece is the turkey, a holiday tradition since the Pilgrims held the first Thanksgiving in Massachusetts, though our turkey bears about as much resemblance to theirs as a homing pigeon bears to a DC-10. Since three out of four people prefer white meat, the modern turkey is genetically engineered to be three-quarters breast, an anatomical peculiarity that makes it hard for turkeys to bend over. How do you like to fix your turkey, Julia Child?
TR (JULIA): Oh---- I like to roast my turkey for hours and hours until the meat falls off the bones and then I like to serve it in chunks on a bed of egg noodles and pour melted cheese over it. Yummy.
GK: And what kind of cheese do you melt?
TR (JULIA): It's the kind that comes in a jar.
GK: I see.
TR (JULIA): Or you squeeze it out of a tube.
GK: I get you. I don't think I've seen you make turkey this way on television----
TR (JULIA): No, no, no......you can't do this on public television. You can only do this in the privacy of your home.
GK: I see. Well, from all of us at A Prairie Home Companion, here's wishing you all a very happy Thanksgiving.
© 1997 Garrison Keillor