GK:.....right after this message.
TR: I'm Todd Burnham, attorney at law, specializing in personal injury cases, and if you should slip on the ice on your neighbor's sidewalk (TK CRY OF ALARM) or if you should give your neighbor's car a push (TIRES SPINNING) and strain your back (TK CRY OF PAIN), or if ice should fall off your neighbor's house and (KONK) hit you on the head, or if a pair of jumper cables that the manufacturer neglected to include clear instructions with should (SHORTING) cause a battery to explode (DULL EXPLOSION), or if defective gloves or socks should cause you to suffer frostbite (TK MOANING), or if the hood of your parka obscures your vision and you walk into a fire hydrant (TK CRY OF PAIN), or if snowplows leave a ridge of snow across your driveway and shovelling it causes you to perspire and so you have to take another shower and in your hurry you slip on the floor (TK CRY OF ALARM), or if your employer provides coffee with insufficient caffeine content and you experience a loss of attention and you fall face-first onto your computer (GLASS BREAKAGE), or if a lack of sunlight in the workplace causes you to be depressed and you leave during lunch hour and get on a plane to Tahiti and there, due to jet lag, you cross the street against a red light and are struck by a bus (HORN, KONK) --- if any of these should happen to you, give me a call. Last year, 76 percent of my injury suits were settled out of court. Maybe I can help you. (HE CHUCKLES)
© 1997 Garrison Keillor