.....It's a dark month, November, and that's why it's so important for all of us to..... (SINGS) Look for the silver lining, whene'er a cloud appears in the blue.. Remember somewhere the sun is shining.... And so the best thing to do is let it shine on you......
(GK TALK UP) I was on a TV interview show a week ago talking about my book and I felt pretty charming and I was chuckling and I saw the show the other day when it broadcast and I looked like the survivor of a debilitating disease who was raising money to help find a cure. I couldn't believe how sour and jowly I looked. Jesus wants me for a sunbeam and I looked like a storm front. So I went to see a plastic surgeon...(MUSIC)
TR: So-------. Says here you're a writer, huh?
GK: That's right.
TR: What kind of writing you do, Mr. Wyler?
GK: Fiction.
TR: Ahhh. A colleague. What can I do for you?
GK: I caught sight of my face the other day, Doctor, and it depressed me. I want a cheerful face, a face that lights up. My face doesn't light. Children look up at me and they cry. I want a happy face.
TR: A happy face....
GK: Yes.
TR: Like the news guys on television----
GK: Yes....especially the sportscasters.
TR: Great. I've done dozens of them. Nothing to it. About eight feet of nylon fishline, a few ounces of silicone, and you're all set. And you'll have to take hormones.
GK: Hormones? What kind?
TR: Well, let's put it this way. Once a month, for about four days, you'll feel angry and weepy and repulsive.
GK: I see.
TR: You may also have an urge to wear a string of pearls and collect souvenir plates from different states of the Union.
GK: I see.
TR: I can do the operation on Tuesday.
GK: Oh?
TR: Takes about two hours. Have you all shiny and smiley and by Wednesday morning small children will be running and grabbing your pantslegs and begging you for a story.
GK: Let me think about it. Maybe I should try some kind of program instead. (MUSIC TRANSITION)
SS: You strike me as a rather moody person, Mr. Wyler. Owly. Stingy. Sulky. Gruff. Apt to snap at people. Petulant.
GK: I'm really not. I'm loving. I'm generous. I care. It's only a facial problem.
SS: You look as if you might have thrown your mother down the stairs at some point in your life.
GK: No! Never! My mother and I are very close.....
SS: Funny. You sure look like the type.
GK: I know. I need your help.
SS: If you're in denial about the pent-up anger inside you, Mr. Wyler, there isn't much I can do.
GK: But there is no pent-up anger. It's just that I have a gloomy face.
SS: This goes deeper than that. I'm sorry. (SHE CONTINUES, FADING INTO MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: And I thought ---- maybe I'm working too hard. Maybe I just need to get out more. So I went to a movie. It was a movie where this gigantic evil thing kept leaping out at people....(QUIET CHORDS, CRICKETS)...
TR: Nice evening.
SS: It's good to be alone, isn't it.
TR: I love you, Cindy.
SS: Oh George....you're so wonderful. Kiss me.
TK: GIANT MONSTER ROAR CLOSE UP. SS SCREAM. (BIG HORROR CHORDS)
GK: And the evil thing ripped them apart and disappeared into the night, and a couple blocks away, a little kid was climbing the stairs to her bedroom---- (FOOTSTEPS)
MM: (HUMMING TO HERSELF) (DOOR OPEN) (FAINT HEAVY BREATHING) Okay--- let's see --- what should I wear to school tomorrow? Should I wear my blue pinafore? Or my jeans and sweater--- (DOOR OPEN. MONSTER ROAR CLOSE UP. MM SCREAM)
GK: The evil thing jumped out about every ten minutes. And as in so many horror movies, the people had no common sense whatsoever....
(QUIET CHORDS, CRICKETS AGAIN)
TR: It's midnight and we're miles from the nearest town and no houses in sight and I have no flashlight, and yet I think I'll walk around behind this deserted house and have a look-see down in the cellar where that raspy breathing seems to be coming from, Pamela.
SS: Sounds good, Don. And I'll head up the road towards that deep gorge that we crossed a few miles back and --- who knows? maybe I'll find something there-----
TR: And you wait here alone in the car on this deserted road, Jennifer----
MM: Okay. Don't be gone too long!
TR: We won't.
MM: Should I lock the car doors?
SS: Not much sense in that. It's a convertible. (CHORDS)
GK: It was depressing me, so I left that movie and went to a movie next door in which, for two hours, troubled people walked in and out of rooms and exchanged anguished looks and said elliptical things to each other....
(TROUBLED MUSIC. FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Catherine?
SS: Michael----
TR: What--- are you doing?
SS: I think--- you know--- what I'm doing, Michael. Don't you----
TR: Perhaps I do. Perhaps I always have.
SS: And do you remember this ---- this room, Michael?
TR: Yes--- This is the room where---- where----
SS: Yes, it is. Stephen. It was in here. December 4th, 1973.
TR: Are you taking your medication?
SS: I can see the apple tree from here. Look----
TR: Didn't Mama tell you that---- that the garage must be cleaned---
SS: No! But ---- what about Bobby----
TR: Don't mention his name! I don't want to hear about him? You understand?
SS: I understand.
TR: You must never mention his name again. Ever. Do you hear?
(CHORDS)
GK: It was about the worst movie I'd seen in years, and, for relief, I went into the theater next door to see a Bruce Willis movie. (CAR RACING, MACHINE GUN, SCREECH OF TIRES, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS---- SHOUTING ---- GUNSHOTS ---- GLASS BREAKAGE ----- PLANE DIVING ----- SHOUTING ---- ROCKET LAUNCHER --- EXPLOSIONS - --- RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ----- SCREECH OF TIRES, APPROACH OF CAR, BIG EXPLOSION) ---- and then I headed home. (CAR PULL AWAY, QUIET MUSIC) I live out in the woods, in a dilapidated house at the end of a long deserted road and (CAR COMING TO A STOP. NIGHT AMBIENCE. CRICKETS) I got out of the car and walked toward the house, which was dark. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) I could hardly see where I was going. (STEPS ON PORCH, CREAKY) But I made it up onto the porch. And then I saw, standing next to the door, a figure. - -- Who is it?
TK (LARRY) (REVERB): Hi. It's me. Larry. Remember?
GK: Larry! Hi.
TK (LARRY): We used to be best friends, you and me. Remember?
GK: What do you have in your hand, Larry?
TK (LARRY): Oh---- you mean, this? (THIN BOINGGG OF KNIFE POINT)
GK: It's a fork for grilling a marshmallow, isn't it--- are you a camping trip, Larry? did you wander away from your group?
TK (LARRY): Me? Camping? No----- I have no idea where this fork came from. I must've picked it up somewhere.
GK: I'm a little tired, Larry, so I was thinking I'd turn in for the night---- anything I can do for you?
TK (LARRY): I saw you on television this morning. You were talking about your book. All my life I've felt weird, and then I saw you, and I realized, Hey, I'm not weird at all. There are others just like me.
GK: I'm a very happy guy inside, Larry. Inside, I'm singing. Hey- ---
TK (LARRY): I taped your interview and I've watched it forty times or so. I love it. I love the expression on your face. You and I could be brothers-----
GK: I'm smiling on the inside, Larry. I'm a happy guy. I really am.
TK (LARRY): I think that someday you and I are going to be best friends again.
GK: I don't think so, Larry. I'm an upbeat guy. I don't look like it, but I'm happy.
TK (LARRY): I'm in a program right now. We meet every Tuesday night in the church basement.
GK: I don't need that, Larry. Really----
TK (LARRY): We put grocery bags over our heads and we all hum in unison and then whoever wants to talk about what's bothering them, they can do that----
GK: It's not me, Larry. That's not the place I'm at.
TK (LARRY): And everybody smokes a lot and drinks coffee and at the end we say the Serenity Prayer and then we go home and watch television.
GK: Larry, it's only November. Don't make it into a way of life. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas. (MUSIC) You've got to look for the silver lining, And try to find the sunny side of life....(BAND BUTTON)
© 1997 Garrison Keillor