(WESTERN THEME, W. CATTLE, WHOOPING, AND FADE FOR.....)
SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Chuck Wagon Cornstarch.....If you've ever suffered the embarrassment of being stepped on by your horse (TK CRY OF PAIN, WHINNY), you'll want a copy of "Basic Horsemanship," a two-page brochure free in every carton of Chuck Wagon Cornstarch......(PAUSE) As we join Dusty and Lefty today, they have escaped in a police car from the courthouse, where they were charged with cattle rustling.... (MUSIC) (INTERIOR SPEEDING CAR)
TR: Don't drive so fast, goldang it!
GK: We gotta get outta here, Dusty. There are all-points bulletins out on us.
TR: Well, watch where you're going.
GK: We crossed the Rubicon back there, pal. Our bridge was burnt.
TR: I didn't see no sign for the Rubicon.
GK: They catch us now and we'll be doing time until we're 80.
TR: Well, get off the highway then and let's hit the backroads. (TIRES SCREECH, CAR SPEEDS) Look out for that haywagon! (TIRES SCREECH, PASSING SFX)
GK: Just you relax, pardner. (HONKS HORN)
TR: You're driving like a goldang cowboy! (TIRES SCREECH) Look out! (TRUCK ZOOMS PAST THEM) Where's that road map anyway?
GK: I put it in the backseat---- here---- let me find it for you----
TR: No! You're driving! Watch the road! (TIRES SCREECH. CAR BOUNCES OVER BUMPS AND CRASHES INTO CHICKEN COOP. CHICKEN FLURRY) (HISS OF RADIATOR STEAM) (CHICKENS)
GK: Sorry. You okay?
TR: Lefty, you have got the intelligence of a houseplant.
GK: It's no problem. We'll just back her up and drive away.
TR: I tell you, your ski lift doesn't go all the way to the top of the slope, pardner. You couldn't find your own butt with your two hands if you had a periscope and you were in a locked room!
GK: I was doing the best I could, Dusty.
TR: There's the problem right there!
GK: Let me get out and assess the situation (DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CHICKENS), see what the damage is. Looks like we didn't ----- (STEAM FROM RADIATOR) Oh. I guess we did. (FOOTSTEPS. OCCASIONAL CHICKEN) Radiator is busted, I'm afraid. And there's a couple of fricasseed chickens. Well--- there's a house off back in the trees there, Dusty ---- I'll go have a look. (MUSIC TRANSITION)
GK: (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, SLOW) Weeds all grown up around the house. Wonder if anybody lives here. (FOOTSTEPS ON PORCH STEPS) Thought I saw a light in there. Hope it's not some old coot with a deer rifle. Be just my luck to get shot and my head cut off and mounted over his fireplace and then Stephen King writes it up as a novel and gets seventeen million dollars for it. Oh well. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Maybe they got a car around here, they could give us a lift into town. (DOOR OPENS)
(PAUSE)
MM: Hello?
GK: Afternoon, young un. My name is Lefty and---- is your mama home?
MM: No---
GK: You're not here alone---
MM: My grandmother is here.
GK: I see. Where is she?
MM: In the kitchen. I thought maybe you were Reverend Aikins. He was supposed to come and pay her a visit at two o'clock..
GK: Well, that's who I am. Reverend Aikins. I'm a little early.
MM: You're from church?
GK: Yes.....I was doing yard work this morning and I didn't have time to change out of my jeans.
MM: But you said your name is Lefty. Reverend Aikins's name is Bob.
GK: It is but people call me Lefty. Sort of a nickname.
MM: I never heard of any ministers nicknamed Lefty.
GK: Well, maybe you need to go to church more often. Tell your grandmother I'm out here.
MM: You're not one of those desperate criminals who escaped from the courthouse this morning, are you? the ones who stole the police car...
GK: Oh? Did some desperate criminals escape? I didn't hear about that.
MM: They showed their pictures on television. One of them had a face just like yours, and his name was Lefty too.
GK: Well, I'll bet you he wasn't a minister, that's all I can say. Tell your grandmother that the preacher is here to see her.
MM: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, AND DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: I just hope Dusty don't come tripping down the path right now. I need to sweet talk this old lady into giving us a ride or something--- (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
MM: Grandma says to come in.
GK: Okay.
MM: I'm warning you, though. If you're a criminal and you hurt her, God is going to get real rough with you, mister. I mean it.
GK: I'm Reverend Aikins, child, and I'm only here to witness to her and share the glory of the promise. She in here? Good. (DOOR OPENS) Ohhhhh Praise the Lord. Praise Him. Praise to His Holy Name. Thank you, Lord. How are you this afternoon, Sister? Are you praising Him today? Are you walking in his grace? Are you filled with his spirit? Are you clad in his garments of white? Are you looking for his coming?
SS: Who in the Sam Hill are you?
GK: It's Reverend Aikins, Sister. Pastor Bob (Lefty) Aikins, here with the tidings of joy, here to fellowship with you in the spirit, here to refresh your heart with the pure water of his inspiration, the living bread of his Holy Word. Amen.
SS: You sure don't sound like no Unitarian to me, mister----
GK: Unitarian! I see! Unitarian!
SS: You heard me. What's all this about His Holy Name and all----
GK: Holy Name. I just come from Holy Name Catholic church, there was an ecumenical luncheon there, and I was there, and thought I'd drop by on my way back to the Unitarian church to celebrate our oneness in the great beingness of transcendency that is within each one of us, the mark of our common humanity. Yes.
SS: You don't sound like what you sounded like on the telephone this morning....
GK: I had a little bit of a sore throat earlier. I'm getting over it. Thank you for your concern.
SS: Oh well. I asked you to come so you could explain to my granddaughter about the nature of evil.
GK: It'd be my pleasure. I mean, yes---- of course.....
SS: Sunflower's been asking me questions about why God allows evil in the world, and I can't answer them because my mind got messed up real bad back in the Sixties when I was in a rock band called Electric Neon Cucumber.
MM: Grandma was a hippie in Haight-Ashbury. Most of it she doesn't remember very well.
GK: Is that right?
MM: She's the coolest grandma in the whole world, mister.
GK: Call me Reverend, Sunflower.
MM: Every night after supper, we put the Rolling Stones on the record player and we dance the boogaloo, and then she tucks me into bed and she tells me stories about the Summer of Love.
GK: You seem a little --- old to have known about the Summer of Love, Grandma.
SS: It was a long time ago, mister. And I'm 55.
GK: I'd have thought you were closer to 75.
SS: The Sixties took a lot out of me. I did a lot of living back then. Ooooohhh boy.
MM: Do you know the Rolling Stones, mister? (SINGS) "I can't get no....satisfaction..."
GK: Yes, I am familiar with them, Sunflower.
SS: You look about 75 yourself, mister.
GK: It's the cowboy life, ma'am. Riding the range. It'll age you.
MM: But you said you were a minister.
GK: I was a Unitarian cowboy missionary, little Sunflower. I was trying to bring the message of humanism to the wild west, you see ---- I'd go around to saloons and stand up and tell these gamblers and desperadoes that there is an overriding spirit of beauty and goodness in the world..... (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Uh, that may be my deacon there now....Deacon Dusty.....just a moment.....(FOOTSTEPS, THEN STOP) You stay with your grandma, Sunflower. You get her a nice glass of water.
SS: Get me a beer, honey.
GK: I'll be right back. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN) Yeah, what you want?
TR: There have been about sixteen police cars come scootin by in the past fifteen minutes, pardner. You better hurry it up, whatever you're trying to do in there. We gotta hit the road.
GK: I'm doing my best. You just lay low out in the weeds.
TR: Okay, but hurry it up!
GK: Just wait here. Wait here. (DOOR CLOSE) (DOOR OPEN) Don't go away. (DOOR CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) So--- - where were we ---- we were talking about evil.....Where'd your grandmother go?
MM: She went upstairs to lie down.
GK: Is she feeling okay?
MM: No---- her back hurts a lot and she's crazy as a hoot owl.
GK: I'm sorry to hear that.
MM: I don't understand it. Why do people have to suffer?
GK: Huh?
MM: Why is there so much pain in the world?
GK: Well, because. It's just one of those things that is.
MM: That's a dumb answer.
GK: Suffering is part of life. If you got life, you're going to have pain. Like if there's light, then there has to be darkness.
MM: You're not really a minister, are you.
GK: I'm doing my best, kid. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Just a moment. Be right back. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN) What is it?
TR: There is a little bald guy just drove up in a Dodge Dart, and he asked if this is the Peabody residence ---- he's a Unitarian minister, name of Aikins ---- I told him I'd go tell them he was here.
GK: Well, do something to keep him busy.
TR: What?
GK: Go ask him why God allows suffering in the world.
TR: Oh. Okay----(DOOR CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Okay. So what were we talking about?
MM: Suffering.
GK: Right.
MM: And evil.
GK: Okay----
MM: Why does God allow it---
GK: Well, like what, for example----
MM: Like the fact that my father went off in search of his inner self and he never writes or calls, and my mother went off to find her aura and she calls and I wish she wouldn't, and my grandmother has the mind of a ten-year-old--- and meanwhile, my math scores are lousy, I'm no good at the clarinet, I wear dumb clothes, and kids at school think I'm weird, and the world just seems so---- so cruel --- so dark ---- I mean, it's scary. Why is it like that?
GK: Well, I think that a person has to look at the good side of things ---- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Oh for crying out loud. Excuse me. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN) What?
TR: He's getting ready to go. The minister.
GK: Well, get him talking.
TR: It ain't that easy.
GK: Get him talking about theology.
TR: They don't have any. They're Unitarians.
GK: Well, get him in an argument....
TR: I tried, and whatever I said, he said he sort of agreed with it.
GK: Listen. Just give me a couple more minutes....(DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS) Is this your grandma's guitar, Sunflower?
MM: Yes. She used to play it in The Electric Neon Cucumber.
GK: She won't mind if I play it, will she? (STRUM)
MM: No.
GK: Your talking about the world being dark and all---- it reminded me of an old song that my mother used to sing. It'd be dark and I was scared of the dark and she'd tuck me into bed and she'd sing me this song....
(HE SINGS)
Soft as the voice of an angel Breathing a message unheard, Hope with its gentle persuasion Whispers her comforting word. Fixes a comforting hotdish Served from an old china bowl, Noodles and tuna and mushroom soup. Tuna, the food of my soul.
Whispering tuna, how gentle thy voice, Making my heart in its sorrow rejoice.
Then when the night is upon us, And the sad toll of the bell, What is that light in the kitchen? What is that heavenly smell?
(THEY BOTH SING) Whispering tuna, how gentle thy voice, Making my heart in its sorrow rejoice.
MM: You mean the answer to the problem of evil is---- tuna??
GK: You thought it'd be something real complicated, didn't you.
MM: Well, I never thought it'd be something that comes in a can.
GK: Well, I know. When people think of miracles they think of angels descending in a shaft of light, or the seas parting, or crippled people standing up and walking, some kind of special effects ----- but the real miracle is if simple little things are wonderful and surprising and can make you suddenly happy--- the air when you first step outside in the morning, the sight of a flock of birds flying over and all veering off together, the sound of rain on the roof-----
MM: And tuna can make you happy?
GK: It can. Many a time, my heart has been lifted by a can of tuna. And some noodles. And peas. And a can of cream of mushroom soup.
MM: Let's go make some right now.
GK: You make some, Sunflower. I gotta run. Kind of in a rush.
MM: You're not really a minister, are you, Lefty---
GK: No.
MM: You're a fugitive, aren't you--- a criminal.
GK: Yes, I am. I'm sorry, but I am.
(PAUSE)
MM: Well, you better go then. Before they find you.
GK: You're right. Take care of your grandma, Sunflower.
MM: I will. People from the Sixties are sure confused sometimes, aren't they---
GK: Yes, indeed. But they mean well. So long.
MM: Bye, Lefty.
(PAUSE. THEN FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
TK: Excuse me---- I'm Reverend Bob Aikins, is this the Peabody house?
GK: Yes, indeed, it is. They're expecting you, pastor. But before you go in, you mind if I move your car so it isn't blocking the garage?
TK: No, go ahead. Here's the keys----(KEYS) (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: Let's go, Dusty.
TR: You going to steal his car?
GK: It's a Unitarian car, Dusty. Unitarians believe in the basic goodness of man. So we're not stealing it ---- we're merely demonstrating interdependence......
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Old Santa Fe Brand Magic Fingers Saddle.....after a long day on the trail, you could use a little stimulation, and so could your horse. (WHINNY) (MUSIC PLAY OFF)
© 1997 Garrison Keillor