GK: Halloween is this week, a wonderful holiday that I've always thought should be bigger than Christmas. Christmas ought to be about 75% less than what it is and Halloween ought to be about 50% more.
TR (DRACULA): I couldn't agree with you more.
GK: To dress up and pretend to be somebody else ----- how often does a person have that opportunity? Once a year.
TR (DRACULA): Your neck is very attractive.....But it looks as if you cut yourself shaving....hmmmmm.
GK: Halloween. The night when the ancients Celts believed the spirits of the dead came up from the underworld and roamed around, and to ward off evil, people build bonfires and carved jack-o-lanterns and disguised themselves as someone else.
TR (DRACULA): I love bonfires! I love your necktie too. It's beautiful.
TK (DRACULA): Yes. It is beautiful. And the Adam's apple----- fantastic.
GK: Oh boy. Two vampires.
TR (DRACULA): What's the matter?
TK (DRACULA): Don't you like vampires? (EVIL LAUGH)
GK: You are so boring.
TR (DRACULA): Boring!!!!!
GK: Your breath smells bad, you have serious skin problems, and all you think about is one thing.
TK (DRACULA): You mean ---- blood?
TR (DRACULA): We don't only think about ---- blood----
TK (DRACULA): Sometimes we think about ----- your neck----
GK: Look. Face it. You're dead. You're not that interesting.
TR (DRACULA): Us? Dead? We are immortal! (HE LAUGHS A BIG VAMPIRE LAUGH) I love your shirt too. Let me look at the label.
GK: You are so tedious. There! Go!
TR (DRACULA): Mmmmmmm. Garlic. I love garlic. Make me a pesto sauce.
TK (DRACULA): Garlic toast!
TR (DRACULA): Fried garlic!
TK (DRACULA): On sirloin steak!
TR (DRACULA): Very rare! (THEY BOTH LAUGH EVIL VAMPIRE LAUGHS)
GK: Okay, fellows ---- how about this!!!----
TR (DRACULA): Ah! A crucifix! Lovely. I like the mirror too.
TK (DRACULA): Why can't I see myself in it? (EVIL LAUGH)
GK: Okay, time for the silver stake, I guess.
TR (DRACULA): Oh please! Pound a stake in my heart! I love it!
TK (DRACULA): It's like acupuncture---
TR (DRACULA): I have this backache.
TK (DRACULA): Maybe a silver stake can help. (EVIL LAUGHTER)
GK: Okay. Time for you guys to go. (SINGS) Memories. All alone in the moonlight.
TR (DRACULA): No. Not Andrew Lloyd Webber! Please--- (THEY BOTH WRITHE IN AGONY)
TK (DRACULA): Not Cats! Please! No!
GK: I can smile at the old days. I was beautiful then. I remember the time I knew what happiness was. Let the mem'ry live again. (VAMPIRES FADE AWAY)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor