GK: An unfortunate accident befell Tim Russell this past week. I was sorry to hear about it, Tim.
TR (INDIAN): Yes, so was I. Very sorry.
GK: Tim was doing something he should not have been doing, weren't you, and that was making fun of foreign people.
TR (INDIAN): I was very much making fun of foreign people, yes, indeed.
GK: He was making fun of foreign people, kidding around, and then suddenly the voice stuck.
TR (INDIAN): Indeed, yes, it did. I felt something happen in my throat, and I thought, "My goodness....what will I do now?"
GK: And now Tim can't get his regular voice back.
TR (INDIAN): No, indeed. It seems that I will always have to talk like this. My goodness.
GK: Tim was about to take a job for very big bucks at a major commercial station in Minneapolis----
TR (INDIAN): Yes, very big bucks indeed. Many many rupees.
GK: Tim was in big demand, doing voice-overs and making commercials.
TR (INDIAN): But no more. Oh no. Now I can only do commercials for certain restaurants. I will be selling tandoori beef for the rest of my life.
GK: It should be a lesson to the rest of us. Be careful when you're making fun of people, because it can wind up causing you a lot of trouble.
TR (CLINTON): I certainly feel that that's true. I think that before you make fun of someone, you ought to stop and ask yourself, "What kind of pain am I causing? How would I feel if someone were to say that about me?" and if people did that, I don't think we'd have so many of these very negative and disparaging jokes that we hear nowadays.
GK: I think you're probably right, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): And that's why I've declared October as National Build-Up Month. It's a time for all Americans to talk about what's right in this country and what we like about each other --- to build up, instead of tearing down.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. I see that Bob Dole and Ross Perot support that too.
TR (DOLE): Yes, I do.
TR (PEROT): I think the media in this country is as mean as a porcupine in springtime, it's as simple as that. We need a little more civility in this country and a little less ridicule, if you ask me, and I believe you did. We're in a situation today where we've got a pig under the porch. Yes sir. Like we say down in Texas, if you dance with the saxophone player, don't set your hat on the piano.
GK: Do you agree with that, President Bush?
TR (BUSH): Well, thinking about making fun of people and their idiosyncrasies or whatever you call them ---- their weaknesses ---- and we've all got em, each and every one of us ---- I love a good joke as well as the next person, but ---- you know, there was this fellow ---- Bar knew him ---- used to visit us in Washington ---- we used to live there, you know ---- and he'd come in and ----- he was, you know, one of those guys you meet ---- we liked him ---- but this fellow absolutely could not stick to the point.
GK: Must have been hard to follow.
TR (BUSH): I forget his name. Bar knows. I used to know.
GK: Thank you. Julia? National Build-Up Month.
TR (JULIA): Oh, I think it's a lovely idea. Lovely idea. I can't wait. Would you care for a goose?
GK: No, thank you. Tom Brokaw, how about you? Can news commentators support a National Build Up Month?
TR (BROKAW): Well, I believe that the leadership in this country has a long way to go in regard to establishing mutual respect, and we in the media are willing to listen, but there are limitations to it, that's all.
GK: You agree with that, Ted Koppel?
TR (KOPPEL): Well, let me be frank with you, because I do want to be frank, and that is to say that, on the whole, realizing that there may be, and very likely are, exceptions, and also cases where this may not be true, or may not have been true, and yet, with that in mind, I would say that I seem to have forgotten exactly what it was I was talking about, or even generally which direction I was headed in.
GK: We'll get back to you.
TR (KOPPEL): Very well.
GK: Is it possible to have humor without it hurting people? That's a question that many people have asked, and ---- yes? Mr. Rogers?
TR (ROGERS): Would you like to hear me do my impression of a person of Indian descent? would you? I do a very good impression of our friends in India. Did you know that?
GK: No, I did not.
TR (ROGER): Mr. Rogers enjoys doing impressions. Mr. Rogers does a very good Humphrey Bogart. Yes, he does. Would you like to hear it?
GK: Okay.
TR (ROGER): Okay. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Here's looking at you, kid. That's my Bogart impression.
GK: Okay.
TR (ROGERS): Mister Rogers also does James Brown singing "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" ---- would you like to hear that?
GK: Mr. Rogers---
TR (ROGERS): I have to comb my hair up very high on my head and put on my glittery shirt and my leather vest and my big shiny shoes.
GK: I'm sorry, Mr. Rogers.
TR (ROGERS): Is that all the time we have for now?
GK: That's right.
TR (ROGERS): Okay. Next time then.
GK: Okay.
TR (ROGERS): Next time Mr. Rogers gets to go first.
GK: Good. Thank you, Mr. Rogers.
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor