Our show is brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd.
TK: Non non non non non.
GK: Non non non non what?
TK: I am not with the Cafe Boeuf. No more. I'm out of the cafe business. I have quit! (DERISIVE FRENCH)
GK: You're not with the Cafe Boeuf?
TK: Non, non, non, non. I am gone. Au revoir to the Cafe Boeuf!
GK: But Maurice ---- you are the Cafe Boeuf----
TK: I'm sick of it! I've had enough. (DISGUSTED FRENCH)
GK: Why? What happened?
TK: I hired a new waiter named Wendell.
GK: Yes? This guy?
TK: Oui. Him.
TR: Hello, my name is Wendell, and I'd like to tell you about the specials?
GK: Oh no.
TR: We're serving a mushroom stuffed with a pate' of braised broccoli? and that mushroom is served on a bed of arugula with your choice of jasmine rice, sauteed' rutabaga, or steamed new potato?
GK: Maurice--- you hired Wendell?
TK: He has become our most popular waiter! It's what people want.
GK: Maurice, that can't be----
TK: Ever since Wendell came, business is double!
GK: No. Maurice.
TK: The restaurant business has been taken over by salad tossers! by bean counters! by nouvellists!
GK: Don't quit.
TK: Restaurants used to be for people who ---- (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH) ---- people who loved to eat. Now restaurants are for people who hate food. People who want a little creme fraiche in circles around the edge of the plate and in the middle, a piece of boiled chicken the size of a matchbook cover and they call that dinner! (DISGUSTED FRENCH)
GK: Well, nouvelle cuisine didn't come from America, pal....
TK: What! You think it came from France? Eh? You think it's French? (FRENCH FURY. FOUR PISTOL SHOTS. FOUR PLATES BREAK.) There. That is what I think of your American nouvelle!
GK: Easy, Maurice.
TK: We French are people of passion! (FRENCH CRY) When we eat, monsieur, we put our heads down and we eat! When we cook, we work like plowhorses!
GK: Easy-----
TK: You Americans ---- you have done away with body odor, and you have done away with big dinners, and you have done away with (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGHTER)----- you have made smoking illegal----
GK: Put that cigarette away.
TK: I show you what I think of your laws---- (LIGHTS MATCH, DEEP INHALE, THEN EXHALE. THEN SIGH OF CONTENTMENT)----
GK: Just settle down, Maurice.
TK: We French are people of passion! We cook! we smoke! we eat! we drink! we (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)----
TR: Did I also tell you---- we'll be serving a very light fettucine and yogurt with chopped celery? and we'll be serving a kohlrabi felafel in fennel sauce on a bed of julienned lettuce?
GK: A message from the Cafe Boeuf. The home of good eaters, of passion, of (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)---- (PLAYOFF)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor