(MUSIC)
GK: I know I shouldn't be talking about me and my problems on this show, but frankly, it's depressing to get to my age and realize that probably this is about as smart as I'm ever going to be, this smart or not quite this smart --- and that probably it's too late for me to master the French language (TR FRENCH GIBBERISH), probably too late even to learn Swedish (TR SWEDISH), probably I'll never qualify to fly a jet airplane (JET PASSES) or ride thoroughbred jumpers to victory at a horse show (HORSE CANTER , LEAP, AND RESUME CANTER), or be a regular on the McLaughlin Report (SS, TK, TR SARCASTIC SHOUTING AND DERISIVE LAUGHTER), probably I'll just go on doing what I do now, which is brain surgery. (OPERATING ROOM SFX) I've always been interested in the brain , and the recent changes in health care aimed at controlling costs have opened up the field of brain surgery to people outside of medicine, and what can I say? I've been the low bidder on a number of operations.....
GK: How're we doing there?
TR: Real good.
GK: He looks asleep, doesn't he?
TR: Looks asleep to me.
GK: Well, I guess we'll know in a moment. (POWER DRILL) Say, when it says "right side of the brain," does it mean his right or our right?
TR: His right, I think.
GK: I think you're right. (POWER DRILL REVS UP, DRILLING) Boy, there's a lot of loose gunk in here. Give me that vacuum. (DRILL STOPS) See if you can't get that stuff there. (VACUUM HUM) Good. How old is this guy?
TR: This guy?
GK: Yeah, the one we're operating on.
TR: Fifty-something. Fifty-four.
GK: No wonder. (VACUUM OFF) Lot of trivia in there. Give me the water pic.
TR: Here you go.
GK: Thanks. (SPRAY OF WATER) There. That ought to help.
TR: What does this guy do for a living anyway?
GK: I don't know. Let's find out. Put the electrode right there.
TR: Right there?
GK: Yeah. Right there. (ELECTRICAL SHORT)
TK: (IN A TRANCE) So if you value the programming you hear on this station, won't you call now and pledge your support----
GK: He's one of us.
TR: A radio guy.
GK: So I guess my brain must look like that too.
TR: You want me to take a look?
GK: No thanks. (MUSIC) Not much unused brain capacity in there. If he got computerized shoes, not sure he'd be able to get his laces tied. But there's a bright side to everything --- ignorance can be blissful. Look at how happy Republicans are. Compar ed to liberals ---
SS: Excuse me? Were you talking about me?
GK: No.
SS: You weren't.
GK: I don't think so.
SS: "Don't think so"? What does that mean? tell me something, okay?
GK: Yeah?
SS: Truth. Promise?
GK: Sure, what is it?
SS: You'd tell me the truth?
GK: Sure. I'd try to.
SS: "Try"?
GK: Yes. Of course.
SS: Tell me this. Am I neurotic?
GK: You?
SS: Am I neurotic? Do people think I am? Do people say, "God, she's neurotic"? Do they? She's one of those neurotic liberals? Is that what they say?
GK: No, not really.
SS: Not really --- that means I am, doesn't it?
GK: No.
SS: I'm incredibly neurotic, aren't I?
GK: No, I don't think so.
SS: And I bug you, don't I?
GK: Not that much.
SS: I do, though, don't I?
GK: Maybe a little.
SS: More than a little. I bug you a lot, don't I? I know I do. Don't I?
GK: Yes, you do. Would you like brain surgery?
SS: Will it hurt? It's going to hurt, isn't it?
GK: Yes. But only for a moment. (KONK) There. How are we doing?
TR: Looks good.
GK: She's asleep, isn't she.
TR: Looks asleep to me.
GK: Drill. (POWER DRILL) Is neurosis on the left or on the right.
TR: I think it's in the center, isn't it.
GK: Okay. Good. (DRILL REV) Yeah --- I see neurosis coming out. Lots of it in there. Look at that. Vacuum.
TR: Vacuum. (VAC HUM)
GK: Got her cleaned out a little bit anyway. Electrolode.
TR: Electrolode.
GK: Touch it right there.
TR: Right there?
GK: Right there. (ELECTROLODE)
SS: (WOODENLY) Volunteers standing by to take your calls so why not take a minute now.
GK: She's fine. Just screw the top of her head back on (SCRAPING) No. Clockwise. (SCRAPING) You want me to do you?
TR: No, I'm fine. You need anything?
GK: No. I'm okay. Not too bright, but I'm okay. (MUSIC)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor