....right after this message from Rest-0-Tainment Corporation. (MUSIC)
TR: If you're the parent of a teenage child, perhaps you've been through this scene yourself once or twice....
GK (OLD LADY): O it's spring once again, and once again the earth burgeons with new life.
SS (TEEN): Oh boy.
GK (OLD LADY): Which reminds me that Sunday is Mother's Day, honey.
SS (TEEN): So what????
GK (OLD LADY): I bought you a present to give me, Snuggums. Look. It's a set of Tupperware dishes to keep our leftovers nice and crispy. Shall I wrap them for you?
SS (TEEN): You are so, like, incredibly pitiful, Ma, I wish you would just shut up. Okay? I am trying to watch this show.
GK (OLD LADY): Every Mother's Day brings back such warm memories for me. How lucky I was. Even though you loathe the sight of me, still I count myself fortunate. What do you say we go out for dinner together?
SS (TEEN): Have dinner with you? I'd rather have hot needles thrust under my fingernails. What do you say you, like, take a walk and don't come back? Huh?
GK (OLD LADY): We could go to a nice place and just for two hours, we could be nice to each other and celebrate --- what do you say, honey?
SS (TEEN): Celebrate what? I didn't ask to be born!
GK (OLD LADY): Oh dear. What is one to do? (MUSICAL GLISS)
TR: What to do? Here's an idea! Instead of dragging your teen to a formal restaurant where she'll only feel out of place, why not take her to one of our Rest-O-Tainment theme restaurants --- such as the Cafe Titanic--- (SHIP'S HORN) top-notch food....plus, it sinks every ninety minutes, which gives a sense of shape to your evening..... ---- the next day....(TIME MODULATION)
GK (OLD LADY): So --- did you enjoy your hamburger, honey?
SS (TEEN): It was okay.
GK (OLD LADY: And would you like another Coke?
SS (TEEN): Okay.
GK (OLD LADY): How about a hot fudge sundae for dessert? Let's splurge, what do you say?
SS (TEEN): Oh. All right.
GK (OLD LADY): This is the most positive and cheerful I've seen you in the past eighteen months, honey. It brings tears to my eyes.
SS (TEEN): Listen--- you start blubbering and I'm history, okay? I'm outta here. Blow your nose. (HONK) That's better. Here. Happy Mother's Day.
GK (OLD LADY): Oh goodness, me. (FLURRY OF WRAPPING PAPER) Tupperware dishes. Land sakes. You are so thoughtful.
SS (TEEN): What time does it sink?
GK (OLD LADY): Any moment now. (BAND PLAYS "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE") Sounds like it's going down now. (DISTANT SHOUTS. CRASHES) Well, it's been wonderful, honey.
TK (BULLHORN): Man the lifeboats! Every man to his station! Passengers to the main deck....
GK (OLD LADY): You go ahead, dear.
SS (TEEN): What are you going to do?
GK (OLD LADY): You take my life preserver, dear.
TK (BULLHORN): Women and children to the boats----
SS (TEEN): What are you going to do?
GK (OLD LADY): You go ahead, dear. I'll be fine. I'm happy.
SS (TEEN): But what are you---
GK (OLD LADY): Here. Take my coat so you don't get cold.
SS (TEEN): Mom?
GK (OLD LADY): You go, I'll be fine. Bless you.
SS (TEEN): Mom----
GK (OLD LADY): It's a far far better thing I do than I have ever done. It's a far better place I go to than I have ever seen.
(CRIES. CRASHING. DISTANT CRUNCHING. BAND PLAYS UP. WATER FLOWS IN.)
TR: The Cafe Titanic, what could be more appropriate for Mother's Day.....(MUSIC OUT)
©1997 by Garrison Keillor