(MUSIC)
GK: I was packing a bag to come to Norfolk to do the show and I noticed how many shirts I have in my closet that I never wear -- Like cowboy shirts (TK HAWK, SPIT) and plaid shirts (TR SWEDISH GIBBERISH) and old madras shirts.
TR (INDIAN): Oh, my, yes, you don't wear me very often. No, no, no.
GK: I don't know why I keep them. Or this tie-dye shirt. Ought to throw this out.
TR: (HIPSTER) Oh, sure, like, just throw me away, man. Like, Goodwillsville. Bummer.
GK: And all these T-shirts.
TK: HELP ME, I'VE FALLEN AND I CANNOT REACH MY BEER.
TR: MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO SERVE AS A WARNING TO OTHERS.
TK: DENVER! (HORSE WHINNY)
TR: MAUI. (SURF)
TK: DAYTONA BEACH. (RACE CARS GO BY, IN QUICK ORDER)
GK: And then there's this one.
TR (FLAT DULL): Hi. You need a white shirt? Here I am. White.
GK: Got some pretty old white shirts in here.
TR (OLD, FORMAL): I remember when you wore a 15 and-a-half collar. Yes. That was a long time ago, wasn't it?
GK: Never wear that shirt anymore. Or my blue work shirts --
TR (JACK): I noticed that. What happened? Huh? Something wrong?
GK: And all the ties I never wear.
TK (BOZO): I'm a fun tie. Hyuk hyuk hyuk. You like polka dots?
GK: I ought to go through here and throw some of these out---
TR: (HIPSTER SCAT SINGING)
TK: HEY!
GK: Some of these are so loud --
TK (BRIT): Not me. Cambridge. King's College. Pure silk, sir.
GK: Never wear it.
TR (SCOT) Clan McGregor, sir, 100% wool.
GK: Never wear it. You know, I think it's time to call in Monback Brothers Trash Hauling and Storage.
(TRUCK BACKING WITH BEEPS)
SS: Monback....monback.....monback....(CRASH) That's good.
GK: Spring is time to put our possessions to the hard test: do we want this? Have we used it recently? If we didn't have it, would we miss it in the next few days? No? Then throw it away. Otherwise (TRASH) you become the old weird guy living in the dark house with all the kitty cats (MEOW), the guy with the real tall grass and the shades drawn. Better call Monback. (LANDSLIDE)
SS: (TRUCK BACKING) Monback....monback....monback (BIG CRASH)....that's good.
©1997 by Garrison Keillor