(ORGAN)
TR: Swiftly run the seasons onward, one after another, and the leaves turn green and fall to earth and blossom again, as the circle of life turns, and the human heart pursues its inexplicable paths in the city of St. Paul --- join us now as Summit Video Rental, Copying, and Tanning Salon brings you.....Selby Avenue.
(ROMANTIC VIOLIN, QUIET, INTENSE. SLIGHT SOUNDS OF GLASSWARE.)
SS: I'm glad you brought me me here. This is so wonderful.
GK: It is, isn't it.
SS: I can see the reflection of your face in my glass.
GK: I can see yours in mine. I have never had such a feeling of ---
SS: Of what----
GK: Of impending euphoria----
SS: Impending euphoria!
GK: Yes. Impending euphoria!
SS: I was thinking of the words "impending euphoria" too.
GK: You were???
SS: At the same moment. Impending euphoria.
GK: That's amazing.
SS: So are you. ---So are the stars.
GK: The flowers. The music.
SS: I had no idea there was anyplace like this in St. Paul.
GK: Of course there is. We created this place. Between us. You and I.
SS: I know what you mean.
GK: Do you?
SS: Yes, I do.
GK: This feeling isn't about atmosphere or ambience. It's about us and how we feel about each other. This has been building for months. I'm in love with you. There. I said it.
SS: I love you too.
GK: I'm crazy about you. I adore you. I didn't know how to say it, but I just did.
SS: Yes, you did. And so did I. I've never felt like this before.
GK: Neither have I.
SS: I could see this coming and I didn't believe it.
GK: Me too. I said, don't get your hopes up.
SS: Don't get your hopes up. I thought the same thing.
GK: But here I am. Hopes up.
SS: There's no way around it. I'm in love. With you, Melvin.
GK: I am going to make you so happy, Elaine. I want to marry you. I want to marry you right away. I want us to buy a new house. A new house. A new start. A big house. Big rooms. And very simple furniture. Windows open. The spring breeze blowing through. Curtains blowing. Simple well-made things. I'm through with clutter. Through with ostentation. A beautiful simple place, where our love will shine through in our every day lives. That's what I want. That's what we'll make together, Elaine. You and me, my darling. ---What are you looking at?
SS: Nothing.
GK: You're looking at my shirt.
SS: I was looking at you, darling. I was savoring you. Savoring this moment.
GK: What's wrong?
SS: I'm in love with you. Nothing is wrong. I'm happy. I've never felt this happy.
GK: You don't like this shirt, do you.
SS: It's not exactly the shirt.
GK: What is it?
SS: It's okay. Never mind. Let's talk about the house. It sounds perfect. I love that idea of Beautiful Simplicity. Shaker furniture. Indian art. Bright. Natural. Like us. Big open rooms. Breeze blowing through. Music. Good food. Laughter. The richness of life.
GK: What is it about my shirt?
SS: (LONG PAUSE) It's the little polka dots. (PAUSE) You have so many nice white shirts. (PAUSE) Why did you have to wear the polka-dotted shirt? (PAUSE) With the plastic pocket protector? And two ballpoint pens? (PAUSE) The plastic pocket protector that says Acme Computer Sales & Service?
GK: I can't believe that on a night like tonight, you would notice my shirt----
SS: It's not just the shirt.
GK: I'm singing to you, Elaine, my heart is wide open, I'm offering you my life, my love, and you're thinking about my shirt.
SS: Actually, it's the pocket protector.
GK: Elaine! It's spring, a night of magic, a fabulous meal, I'm in love with you, I adore you, and we sit here, with the wine and the music and the stars and the flowers and we talk about a life of happiness, love, this beautiful romance, and you're upset because I have a pocket protector?
SS: I'm sorry. (WEEPINESS) I've insulted you, haven't I. I've ruined it. I've destroyed everything. I'm no good. I'm evil. Throw me away. (SOBBING) Throw me away like a piece of garbage. You need somebody perfect. Somebody who won't ever say the wrong thing. (INCOMPREHENSIBLE SOBBING) You want Miss Wonderful. I'm not good enough. Throw me away.
GK: Would you mind? People are looking this way---- don't make a spectacle of yourself.
SS: DON'T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF MYSELF! DON'T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF MYSELF! (CRASH OF PLATES) You're afraid I'll embarrass you!!!! How's this? (BIG GLASS BREAKAGE)
GK: Please. Sit down. You're going to hurt somebody.
SS: I'LL MAKE AS BIG A SPECTACLE AS I WANT TO MAKE!!! (A SERIES OF GUNSHOTS)
(SOME ANXIOUS MURMURS FROM NEARBY--- FAST FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR: Is everything okay, monsieur?
GK: We're fine.
TR: I heard gunshots....
GK: We're in love, that's all. I'll pay for the ceiling.
TR: Ahhh. Of course. (FRENCH GIBBERISH FADING)
SS: (SOBBING) I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. (SHE GOES IN, IN COUNTERPOINT TO.....)
GK: It's okay. I love you. We'll be okay. We're in love. Love means being able to forgive, to start over, ---- O darling, such a beautiful night --- this is the night when you and I really found each other ---- (SHE QUIETS DOWN, THEY ARE RECONCILED) ---- Oh, we had dates before, but we never really found each other, and tonight I think we did...and I promise you this, Elaine, I promise you that even though we have our differences, that our love will grow......I promise you that every day we're together, we'll find this same closeness------ I promise that every day I'll come looking for you and I will find you. I promise.
SS: I love you so much. (PAUSE) Will you promise to get rid of that shirt?
GK: How can you be like this? I can't believe it! I promise you a lifetime of love and all you can think about is this shirt? What is it with you? This stupid pettiness.
SS: (WEEPING) I did it again, didn't I. I ruined it. I was bad. I said the wrong thing.
GK: Stop it, you're making a fool of yourself. Stop.
SS: I'm embarrassing you, aren't I? You're embarrassed to be with a woman who dares to show her feelings, aren't you. Aren't you.
GK: Please. Let's leave. Let's go. Waiter? Our check?
SS: OH SURE. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST MAKE ME DISAPPEAR, DON'T YOU. BECAUSE I DARE TO SAY WHAT I THINK. BECAUSE I WON'T BE THE PERFECT LITTLE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS. (EXPLOSION, THEN ANOTHER. ANOTHER) (NEARBY CONSTERNATION, WAITER)
GK: It's only explosives! Don't worry! Having a little argument! No problem. I'll pay for the furniture. What do you want?
SS: What do I want????? WHAT DO I WANT? TAKE THE SHIRT OFF.
GK: Here?
SS: Take off your shirt! (BIG CLOTH RIP. ANOTHER BIG RIP. TWO SMALLER RIPS.) There.
GK: Oh, Elaine.
SS: I can't help it! I hate the shirt! And I love you! (MUSIC IS SWELLING)
GK: Oh, I love you!
SS: Hold me.
GK: Oh my God. (MUSIC UP AND UNDER....)
TR: Like boats against the current, like jaywalkers in the rush hour of our days, we press forward, in obedience to the relentless unreasonable urges of the human heart....on Selby Avenue.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor