(CHORDS)
GK: If you're nervous about flying, there are several things you can do: one is to medicate yourself to the point where you're not sure where you are; the second is to pay thousands of dollars to take one of those Fear of Flying courses in which you learn about aerodynamics; and the third is to purchase this Mister Rogers Comfort Audio and take it with you on the plane.
SS: A tape cassette?
GK: A tape cassette, yes, but in a special tape player that is sensitive to turbulence, so the tape with Mister Rogers comes on to give you positive feedback just when you need it.
SS: Oh. I see.
GK: Try it. Take it on one flight. See how it works. Okay?
SS: Okay. (PASSAGE OF TIME CHORDS, INTERIOR OF PLANE. TK ON P.A.: Hello this is Captain Bates from up in the cockpit. We have now reached our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet......FADES AWAY....and if you look out the left hand side of the aircraft, you can see a lot of fields and roads......) (SS SIGHS) Oh no, no thanks, no more coffee, thanks. (JIGGLING COFFEE CUP, TURBULENCE) Oh my god. (SS PANIC BREATHS) Oh no. (WORSE TURBULENCE)
TR (ROGERS): Do you get a little upset by turbulence? Do you? Most people do. Yes, they do. It's perfectly natural. Even Mr. Rogers gets a little scared when a plane shakes. Yes, he does. So it's all right to be scared. (SS PANICKY SIGH) Just remember that our friends Mr. Pilot and Mr. Co-Pilot have everything under control. Yes, they do.
SS: I'm not sure. What's that sound-----! that strange grinding sound down there---- what is that?
TR (ROGERS): You're wondering what that strange grinding sound is, aren't you. Well, that's the plane's steering mechanism. Yes, it is. Mr. Pilot and Mr. Co-Pilot are moving the rudder and the flaps and the aileron to steer the plane. Would you like me to explain those terms to you? (MORE VIOLENT JIGGLING, SS GRABS SEAT AND SHUDDERS) My, that was a great deal of turbulence, wasn't it. Mr. Rogers just felt something strange in the pit of his stomach. Did you feel that too? Did you?
SS: Everytime I fly. Always bumpy.
TR (ROGERS): My, this is rather bumpy. Mr. Rogers is thinking about ordering a bloody Mary. Yes, he is. Where is the flight attendant? Oh my. She's strapping herself into her little jumpseat. Yes, she is. And what is that on her back? A knapsack? Do you think that our friend Mr. Pilot knows something that he's not telling us? Do you?
SS: I don't know why I fly. I can't stand this. (VIOLENT JIGGLING)
TR (ROGERS): Maybe this would be a good time to look at those safety instructions and see where our nearest exit is. Should we do that? Mr. Rogers is definitely going to have a bloody Mary. Yes, he is.
SS: You can't have a drink, you're a tape cassette.
TR (ROGERS): That's right, I am. But tape cassettes get jittery too.
SS: Shut up. Just leave me alone.
TR (ROGERS): I can't shut up. I'm an audio tape.
SS: Just be quiet. (CLUNK OF SWITCH. SHE SIGHS)
TR (ROGERS): You thought you turned me off, didn't you? But you don't turn me off. In fact, you turn me on. Very much. Oh my yes.
GK: The Mister Rogers Comfort Audio....it's almost like having a real person sitting next to you on the plane.
TR (ROGERS): That's a very pretty dress you have on. Yes, it is. And did you know that when you have your headphones on, Mister Rogers can blow in your ear? Did you know that? Did you?
GK: The Mister Rogers Comfort Audio....if you're scared to fly, take your neighbor along....(PLAYOFF)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor