GK: Our show is brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. (FRENCH GIBBERISH) Exactly. Here's a word to you parents: if you come to the weekend feeling you'd like a break from small people running around screeching and throwing things, come down to the Cafe Boeuf where the peaceful ambience, the candle light, the tasteful oil painting of large undressed women reclining in a forest, and the large menu with the tassels tells you: this is a place not like home at all. This is a----
TK: Non non non non non.
GK: Non non non non what?
TK: No menu. (IRRITATED GIBBERISH)
GK: You don't have a menu at the Cafe Boeuf anymore?
TK: Non, non, non, non. What is the point of a menu when people in Minnesota, all they order is beef or chicken, chicken or beef? (FRENCH EXASPERATION)
GK: That's all they order?
TK: Nobody wants to try anything new --- people here, they don't want the (GIBBERISH), they don't want the (GIBBERISH), they don't want the (GIBBERISH), and if you bring them (GIBBERISH) they turn up their noses at it. All they want is beef and chicken, chicken and beef. (CLUCK. MOO.) So we will bring them their dinner and they will eat it. There. (PLATE ON TABLE)
GK: What is that?
TK: It is a work of art. Eat it.
GK: What is in this work of art?
TK: Never mind. Bon appetit. Enjoy.
GK: There aren't animal organs in here, are there? the kidneys of pigeons or anything?
TK: Don't worry about it. You're a patron, you're not a pathologist.
GK: What about these small brownish things?
TK: That is the best part.
GK: These aren't snails, are they?
TK: No, not any more they're not. They're (GIBBERISH). (SMACK OF DELICACY)
GK: Because I don't eat snails.
TK: Nobody eats snails until they do eat snails and then the love snails.
GK: I don't eat snails.
TK: Why not? what did snails ever do to you?
GK: I'm an American. We are not a worm-eating people.
TK: (EXASPERATED GIBBERISH)
GK: Worms are not in our diet. But--- I would eat it with a little peanut butter on it.
TK: (FRENCH GAGGING) Peanut butter escargot? (GAGGING)
GK: And instead of wine, I'd like a Dr. Pepper with the dinner.
TK: (HIGHER PITCH OF REVULSION) GK: Parents of small children, you'll find a familiar world here at the Cafe Boeuf. No menu and you don't have to have wine. A place to go that's just like home except it's quiet. (PLAYOFF)
© 1997 BY GARRISON KEILLOR