....If your life has been bringing you bad news, turn to Varnish, Curry, Burnish and Shine, public relations. They keep bad things away.
TR: How are my kids?
SS: Your kids are great, don't worry about your kids, they're great kids, all of them.
TR: I'm worried about Jack. He's in prison.
SS: He's not in prison. He's in a program. It's a program. A remedial education and behavior modification program.
TR: But there are bars on the windows.
SS: Those are reinforcing bars, to keep the windows from collapsing.
TR: What about Danny? He's engaged to that terrible woman. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. She's so whiny, so manipulative.
SS: She has many wonderful qualities that only time will reveal.
TR: And Debbie is dating that dork who goes around with his cap on backwards.
SS: Someday that dork will be the father of your beautiful grandchildren.
TR: I can't think of another time in my life when everything has looked so hopeless as it does now. And that's the truth.
SS: Things have never looked better for you than they do. You have a wonderful life and it's only going to get better.
TR: Every day I go to work expecting them to fire me.
SS: They admire you at work. Your boss adores you. He doesn't dare show it because he's so insecure himself, but your boss looks up to you.
TR: They all laugh at my terrible toupee.
SS: What toupee?
TR: You didn't know that this is 100% nylon?
SS: It's your hair. Isn't it?
TR: You really thought this is my natural hair? Really?
...When you need to be lied to, call Varnish, Curry, Burnish, and Shine, public relations.
© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR