(MUSIC)
SS: And now....Lutheran Tours brings you....Lives of the Performers....intimate backstage stories of the invisible men and women who bring you radio and of the secret pain and heartbreak in their lives from which they weave that beautiful web of illusion we call entertainment. (MUSIC)
GK: He was one of the top sound effects men in the business. (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) And whenever they needed someone to do effects that no one else could do --- whenever Scorsese or Pollack or Spielberg needed sound --- or Jean Luc Godard (TR FRENCH ENDING IN "TOM KEITH") or Ingmar Bergman (TR SWEDISH ENDING IN "TOM KEITH") or Akira Kurosawa (TR JAPANESE ENDING IN "TOM KEITH") or Satyajit Ray (TR: Oh my yes, I believe it is Tom Keith whom we want for the sound, oh my goodness yes.) Why Tom Keith? Simple. Because some sounds don't record well --- you fire a howitzer in real life, on tape it sounds like you dropped a wet towel on the floor (SPLAT), that's why you need a guy who can do howitzers (SFX) or bazookas (SFX) or machine guns (SFX) or rifles (SFX) --- you shoot a rifle in real life, on tape it sounds like someone snapping a chopstick --- you need a guy who can do rifles (SFX) or pistols (SFX) ---- and Tom Keith could, and he could (CHOPPER APPROACH) do helicopters coming in low over the trees and guys in them shooting guns (CHOPPER GOES BY FAST, GUNFIRE) --- and the chopper getting hit with rocket fire (ROCKET, BIG EXPLOSION) --- he could do all that stuff, and he could do animals. He could do animals better than most animals could do themselves. Director Gene Hackenberry:
TR (VAGUELY KIRK DOUGLAS LIKE): You're out there on location. You're paying three hundred grand a day just in overhead, you got a four-million-dollar star sitting in his trailer, a thousand extras standing around, and you're trying to coax an owl to make a sound and it just sits there hyperventilating and the handler is waving a hanky at it and the guy from the SPCA is telling you the owl needs a ten-minute rest break --- that's when I call for Tom Keith. (OWL)
GK: He could do owls. He could do dogs (DOG), he could do camels (SFX), elephants (SFX), bison (SFX), cougars (SFX), caribou (SFX), wapiti (SFX), elk (TK: Fred? I'm Bob. Welcome.), he could do elands (SFX). And that's why his fee per picture got up to eight hundred grand. (FOOTSTEPS) And he built himself a beach house in Malibu where he could step out (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE ON HARDER SURFACE, SURF, GULLS) and look at the ocean glimmering in the moonlight and think how far he had come from his first radio job in St. Paul, Minnesota. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, AS SURF CONTINUES)
TK: Hi. How are you doing, beautiful? Like that --- perfume -- you're wearing. (HE SNIFFS) Just came out here and started thinking about St. Paul. Can't believe I used to live there. Did a radio show there once. I never told you that? Yeah, I did. Oh well. Let's go inside. (TWO PAIRS OF FOOTSTEPS, SURF CONTINUING. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.) MUSIC.)
GK: And then one night it all fell apart. He was at an awards ceremony downtown, and he got into his Lamborghini (CAR PULLING AWAY) and he decided to take Mulholland Drive up high in the Hollywood hills and he was driving fast (CAR SPEEDING), had her wound up to 90, and he came over a hill (CAR, HORN OF TRUCK PASSING, CAR CONTINUE) and almost sideswiped an oncoming semi and he saw flashing blue lights behind him (DISTANT SIREN) and he put his foot down (CAR ACCELERATE) and came around a corner and (SKID) lost control and the car crashed through the barrier (SFX) and rolled end over end down a steep rocky slope (SFX SERIES OF CRASHES) and blew up (SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS) and the blackened hulk of the car crashed into a swimming pool (CRASH AND SPLASH). And Tom, using his air bag as a flotation device, (SWIMMING SFX) paddled to the side of the pool and climbed out. His hair was all burnt off but other than that he was okay. (TK: Whew.)
Now--- as it so happened, there was a big Hollywood dinner party going on in the glass house adjoining that swimming pool and at that moment a big big Hollywood star who shall be nameless was looking across the table at his hostess and saying:
TR (NICHOLSON): I really like this salad. It's got arugula and raddiccio and endive and cilantro and miniature tomatoes and yellow peppers and it's got these incredible croutons. I love croutons. Crazy about croutons.
GK: And he had just raised a crouton to his mouth when that Lamborghini came rolling down the hill (SERIES OF CRASHES AND EXPLOSIONS AGAIN) and when the blackened hulk of that car came flying toward the house in a shower of sparks and landed in the swimming pool (SPLASH), the star stuck the crouton in his left nostril (SFX, TR REACT) and it was stuck there. (TR NOSE PLUGGED: Huh? What happened?) They had to take him to the emergency room (TR NOSE PLUGGED: Hi. I seem to have something up my nose.) and (TK: Easy now. Easy.) the doctor had to pull that crouton out with forceps (SFX) and of course the story got out and the next day the headline read...
SS: Cruise Crams Crouton In Beezer As Critics Crush Latest Pic
GK: And the star went into seclusion and he let it be known...
TR: Tom Keith doesn't work in this town again. Or else.
GK: And that night (JET COMING IN) Tom Keith was aboard the redeye from L.A. to St. Paul International Airport. He got in a cab (DOOR SLAM, PULL AWAY) and rode to the Fitzgerald Theater where he (FOOTSTEPS, CRUNCHING) walked down the alley strewn with broken glass and (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) went in the stage door and there was Old Ray the stage manager (TR OLD MAN: Hi Tommy) and he went down the basement (FOOTSTEPS) and into his old dressing room (CREAKING DOOR) which he shared with an orangutan named Buddy. (APE) (TK: Shut up.) (APE QUIETING DOWN) And he went back to work for our show.
SS: Fifteen dollars a week. No cooking in the dressing room, no swearing or spitting on the show, and no conversation with the host of the show, you understand?
TK: Okay.
SS: If he wants to talk to you, he'll talk to you, otherwise no conversation, you got that?
TK: Got it.
SS: And don't look at the back of his head. You got that?
TK: Fine.
SS: He doesn't like people looking at the back of his head.
TK: Okay. I got it.
SS: I catch you looking at the back of his head, you're out of here. And --- we need a five hundred dollar deposit, returnable within thirty days after termination of employment.
TK: A deposit?
SS: It's a damage deposit, in case you make mistakes on the air --- what? you never heard of that?
TK: I don't care. Here. (HE COUNTS OFF FIVE BILLS).
SS: Good. Like to see you upstairs in five minutes. (DOOR CLOSE, APE CHATTER) (MUSIC)
GK: And that's how he came to be on our show and that's why, when the fans come around after the show, they find Tom a little surly... (FOOTSTEPS)
TK: Outta my way. Beat it. Leave me alone.
GK: And that's why, when we do fight scenes on the show, those scenes are real....
TK: Gotta throw real punches. Can't do em with padded bags.
GK: You can't?
TK: Not if you want em to sound real, you can't.
GK: You can't use a sack of flour or something? That wouldn't sound as good?
TK: Huh uh. Gotta throw the punch. Look. Here's a flour bag. (DULL THUD) And here's a real punch. (HE WINDS UP, BIG CRACK. GK OOOFF) See the difference?
GK: I donno. The first one sounded okay to me....
TK: What? This? (DULL THUD) Nawww. People want to hear this...(BIG WINDUP, BIG CRACK. GK OOOFFFF).
GK: It's the one sound effect he can't imitate. He can imitate elephants (SFX) or horses (SFX), or galloping horses (SFX) with guys on them shooting rifles (SFX) and helicopters coming overhead (CHOPPER) and rockets (SFX), but if a script calls for a fight scene, he has to (WINDUP, BIG CRACK, OOOFFF).
(MUSIC) ©1996 BY BY GARRISON KEILLOR