GK: We'll continue with more of our show (REVERB COMES IN SUDDENLY, INCREASING STEADILY UNTIL GK STOPS) in just a moment, Marcia Ball will be back and Cephas and Wiggins and right now I'd like to introduce the Guy's All Star Shoe....(REVERB OUT)
GK: What happened?
(A FEW GHOSTLY CHORDS)
GK: There was an audience there just a moment ago. Now it's vanished. The seats are all covered with dropcloths. Dust everywhere. And it's dark. Except for that one light up high in the fly gallery. And---- I think there's someone in the balcony. Hello? Is anyone out there? Hello? (WHIRR OF BAT FLYING PAST) What? (PAUSE, ANOTHER BAT FLY- BY) Bats. Where did they come from? (BAT FLY BY) I'm getting out of here. (TENTATIVE FOOTSTEPS) I think the stage door is that way. Right over here. Just past the trapdoor. Over this way. I think it's this way. (FOOTSTEPS STOP. DISTANT CREAK) Hello? Someone up there? (SHAKES DOOR HANDLE) There's a door here. Which---- (OPENS DOOR. CAT MEOW. SLAMS DOOR.) Oh boy. (SLOW TENTATIVE FOOTSTEPS, FEELING WAY) Worked in this theater for twenty years, thought I knew my way around this stage. Now it's dark, I don't know whether I'm going upstage or down....(FOOTSTEPS STOP)....toward the orchestra pit. (DISTANT CREAK) Hello? Someone there? Hello? (PAUSE. THEN PHONE RINGS. GK REACT)
GK: What's that? (PAUSE)
(CF: OLD ACTRESS, THROATY VOICE, VERY MANNERED) (GHOSTLY REVERB)
CF: If it's for me, tell them I'm unavailable.
GK: Who's that?
CF: Tell them it's too late.
GK: Who are you?
CF: Tell them I'm not doing stage roles anymore.
GK: Who is it?
CF: I used to own this stage. I would wait in the wings--right there--for my cue and I could feel the audience leaning forward, waiting to look at my face --- and then, I walked onstage --- O how I walked --- people in the theater knew how to walk then --- I made my entrance and the audience simply burst into applause. People standing, cheering....and I looked out across all of those smiling upturned faces....and I felt indestructible. I felt eternal. And then....(SNAPS FINGER)....it was all over. All over. I went to my dressing room and put my makeup into a shopping bag and walked out into the alley and that was the last of me.
GK: What happened?
CF: What happened??? (A BITTER DRAMATIC LAUGH) What happened, he asks. (ANOTHER, LONGER BITTER DRAMATIC LAUGH) I'll tell you what happened. He happened. That's what happened. Him.
GK: Who?
TR: Me.
GK: Who're you?
TR: The name's Ben. I worked here. Painted scenes, swept floors, stagehand. You name it.
GK: And you and she---- you two were---
CF: Yes. We were. I don't know why. He wasn't very good looking. He smelled of beer. He came to my dressing room and I opened the door (DOOR OPEN)....Yes?
TR: Five minutes, Miss LeToile.
CF: Thank you, Ben. How's the house tonight?
TR: Sell out. People standing in back. All of em here to see you, Miss LeToile.
CF: You're so kind. Tonight is--- it's a tough night for me, Ben.
TR: I know, Miss LeToile.
CF: Tonight is--- my first performance since---- since Mama died.
TR: I know.
CF: Mama was my inspiration, Ben. She was my vocal coach, my seamstress, my publicity agent, my manager, my cleaning lady, and she was my biggest fan. She loved me, Ben.
TR: I know, Miss LeToile.
CF: We were together forty-five seasons, Ben. She was here for me. Now---- I don't know where to turn.
TR: Yes, ma'am.
CF: I'm helpless without Mama!
TR: How can I help?
CF: You can help me get dressed, Ben.
TR: Okay.
CF: ---And that's how it began. I never meant to fall in love with him! But it happened. He promised me happiness, a home, children, love (BITTER LAUGHTER) --- and I married him, and we lived in a dump, and winter came and I was depressed and I ate like an animal and by April my beauty was gone, and the only work I could get was as a cleaning lady, scrubbing this stage, and one winter I reached for what I thought was a rope, and it was a rattlesnake, and I took it and clasped it to my bosom. And that's my story.
GK: I'm sorry to hear that.
TR: Step to the side.
GK: What?
TR: Lookout. The chandelier is falling. (BIG GLASS CRASH)
CF: Are you all right?
GK: I guess so.
CF: That was a big chandelier.
GK: I didn't even know there was one up there.
CF: Actually there were two.
GK: Two?
CF: Two very big chandeliers.
GK: I see. So the other one--
CF: Still there.
GK: Where?
CF: Right up there.
GK: Is it--- isn't there supposed to be some kind of a---
CF: There's supposed to be. But there isn't.
GK: There isn't?
CF: No. Never was.
GK: But why would they---
CF: Why? Why? (BITTER LAUGHTER).
(BAT PASSAGE)
GK: Another bat.
CF: That's not a bat.
GK: No?
CF: That's Ben.
GK: Oh.
CF: Your neck is bleeding.
GK: It is?
CF: Here. Let me.
GK: NO. Don't touch me.
CF: What's wrong? (SHE LAUGHS EVILLY) Come to Mama.
GK: Take your hands off me. (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, THEN ACCEL. RUNNING. DOOR OPEN. CAT MEOW. DOOR CLOSE. RUNNING. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. RUNNING DOWN STAIRS. REVERB. FOOTSTEPS STOP. GK DEEP BREATHING.)
TK: THROAT CLEAR
GK: Who's there?
TK (LARRY): It's me.
GK: Larry?
TK: Yes.
GK: Aren't you at the post office on Saturdays, Larry?
TK: I left the post office years ago. They asked me to leave. They gave me disability.
GK: Were you injured?
TK: I don't want to talk about it.
GK: Okay. Let's not talk it about.
TK: I don't want to talk about it.
GK: Good. I'm not talking about it.
TK: The last time I talked about it, I got so upset, I let my snake out of the cage.
GK: Your snake?
TK: My coral snake.
GK: I see.
TK: I'm looking for him. He's here somewhere.
GK: Wouldn't it be easier if we turned on the light and looked for him?
TK: No. No lights.
GK: But we can't see him if we don't....
TK: Lights hurt my eyes. I get bad headaches.
GK: Okay.
TK: You and I used to be best friends.
GK: I know. I'm still your friend, Larry.
TK: You are?
GK: Still am, Larry.
TK: Then why did you fire me?
GK: Fire you! You think that I fired you? Me? Larry.....
TK: I played saxophone on your show.
GK: Right.
TK: Back in the early days, back before you got so conceited.
GK: I got conceited?
TK: Back when you were nobody. I played saxophone.
GK: You were good, Larry.
TK: I was good.
GK: You were very good.
TK: I was good. Why did you tell me to go away?
GK: I said that?
TK: You gave me twenty dollars bills and you told me to go away.
GK: Larry, could I go upstairs and get your medications? If you tell me where they are, Larry---- are they backstage somewhere? Larry? (SAXOPHONE NOTE, LOW, BREATHY, LONG, THEN DOWN AN OCTAVE) Larry, it sounds to me as if something's inside that saxophone. Larry---- (SAXOPHONE NOTE, FLUTTERED) Larry, there's a snake in the sax. Larry---- Larry. (SNAKE BREATH) Oh boy. (RUNNING UPSTAIRS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. RUNNING UPSTAIRS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. LOCK DOOR.) (GK BREATHING HARD)
GK: Where am I?
TR: Introduce the band.
GK: Where am I?
TR: You're on stage. People are looking at you.
GK: What am I supposed to do?
TR: Introduce the band.
GK: What band?
TR: Right there. Read it.
GK: Ladies and gentlemen, the Guy's All Star Shoe Band.
BAND TUNE--AT THE JAZZ BAND BALL
©1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR