(PHONE DIALING, RING. PICKUP)
TR (RECORDED VOICE): Welcome to Interlochen TicketLine. All of our TicketLine agents are currently busy serving other customers. Please stay on the line. All calls are answered in the order----
CF: (SPEAKING DELIBERATELY, IN A FLAT BORED VOICE) Welcome to Interlochen TicketLine, this is Sharon, which show? (SHE YAWNS)
GK: Uhm. I'd like a ticket to a show, called "Foreplay"?
CF: You'd like tickets for "Foreplay" --- --- at the Kresge Auditorium? Thursday, July 25, at 8 p.m.?
GK: Uhm. Yes.
CF: You would like tickets for the July 25th performance of "Foreplay," and how many tickets would you like?
GK: Uhm. Just one. Thanks.
CF: You would like one ticket for the July 25th performance of "Foreplay," is that correct?
GK: Uh. Yes.
CF: One moment please. (A LONG PAUSE). Thank you for waiting, I have one orchestra seat for the July 25th performance of "Foreplay" --- in row A --- would you like to purchase that?
GK: Row A?
CF: Yes.
GK: Row A--- (PAUSE)
CF: Would you like to purchase that ticket, sir?
GK: Uhm. I'm trying to think. Is that the front row?
CF: Row A? Yes, it is the front row.
GK: Would you have something--- you know, sort of more off to the sides and in the back----
CF: You want a seat off to the sides and in the back?
GK: Yes, please. Maybe in the bushes. Do you sell tickets up in the trees?
CF: One moment. Checking that for you. (PAUSE) I have a ticket in row 86, behind Bush 104, to the right and behind the Kresge Auditorium for the July 25 performance of "Foreplay"?
GK: Good. I'll take that.
CF: You understand that this sale is final and there can be no refunds or exchanges....
GK: Yes.
CF: Would you be interested in dinner after the show, "Foreplay" in the Interlochen Cafeteria --- your choice of entree, either Swiss steak or Swiss chicken?
GK: No, thank you.
CF: Very well. You have one ticket for the July 25 performance of "Foreplay" at fifteen dollars and fifty cents, plus $2.50 for handling, for a total of eighteen dollars. What credit card will you be using for this ticket purchase?
GK: Master Card.
CF: What is the number of the card?
GK: O949.
CF: Oh nine four nine.
GK: 3746.
CF: Three seven four six.
GK: 9257.
CF: Nine two five seven.
GK: 7248.
CF: Seven two four eight.
GK: 4016.
CF: Four oh one six.
GK: 5340.
CF: Five three four oh.
GK: 7132.
CF: Seven one three two. And the expiration date?
GK: Six ninety-seven.
CF: Six ninety-seven. And the name as it appears on the card.
GK: R-E-V....
CF: R-e-v--- is that an abbreviation of something?
GK: Yes, it is.
CF: R, E, V ....
GK: Thomas....
CF: Thomas, T, H, O, M, A, S. Middle initial?
GK: B.
CF: B as in Biblical.
GK: Smith.
CF: Smith?
GK: Yes, Smith.
CF: Are you -- never mind.
GK: What?
CF: What is the mailing address to which your credit card statement is sent?
GK: Uhm. That's the Zion Methodist Church....
CF: Zion Methodist Church.
GK: 235 Pine Street.
CF: 235 Pine Street.
GK: Wishimingo, Michigan.
CF: Wishimingo, Michigan. Very well. A daytime phone where you can be reached?
GK: Daytime phone?
CF: Yes.
GK: Do you need that?
CF: Yes, we need a daytime phone number where you can be reached, sir.
GK: Why would you need to reach me?
CF: In the event that the performance of "Fourplay" on July 25th should be cancelled and we would need to reach you.
GK: Yes, but I'm--- I'd rather that--- you know----
CF: Just a daytime phone number is all I need.
GK: Well, I--- I have small children. You know---
CF: That's fine. What's your number?
GK: Could you make a notation on there that, if you did need to call, you would just refer to the play as "The Service"?
CF: I don't have a way of doing that, sir.
GK: You couldn't just write something in the margin?
CF: We use a computer, sir. Computers don't have margins.
GK: Okay, I know that, but--- isn't there a space at the bottom maybe----
CF: There is no such space, sir. But I do need a daytime telephone number.
GK: Okay. How about 444-4444.
CF: Very well. 444-4444. Evening telephone number?
GK: Same.
CF: 444-4444. All right. You have one ticket for the July 25 performance of "Fourplay" at the Kresge Auditorium, which will be held for you at the box office. You may pick up the ticket at any time up to one hour before the performance and you will need to present this same credit card and a photo ID in order to pick up your ticket. Are there other concerts that I can help you with?
GK: No, thank you.
CF: Would you like your TicketLine transaction code number?
GK: No, thank you.
CF: Thank you, Pastor Tom.
GK: I'm sorry?
CF: This is Sharon Stevens. Didn't you recognize me?
GK: Oh no.
CF: Remember? You confirmed me.
GK: I know that. I didn't know you were at Interlochen.
CF: Yeah, I'm in orchestra.
GK: Oh dear.
CF: What's wrong?
GK: Oh my Lord....
CF: What's the matter? How's Fay?
GK: She's fine. Sharon---- listen, I'd like to cancel that ticket purchase, okay?
CF: Sorry, Pastor. No refunds or cancellations....it's in the computer. Nothing I can do.
GK: It's gone through?
CF: It's a done deal. Sorry.
GK: Well, I'm not going to go to that show.
CF: No??
GK: No, I'm not. I just want you to know.
CF: Why not?
GK: Well, I won't be using it, so---- it doesn't matter.
CF: Well, it's up to you.
GK: Okay. But I'm not.
CF: I'm sorry.
GK: Anyway, how are you?
CF: I'm fine.
GK: You say you're in orchestra?
CF: Yes.
GK: I see. You playing any concerts?
CF: Yes. In fact I am.
GK: Great. What?
CF: Well, it's the one you were going to see--
GK: What???? "Foreplay...."
CF: Right.
GK: Oh, honey--- oh, no.
CF: What's wrong?
GK: What's wrong???
CF: Yes.
GK: What's wrong???
CF: What's wrong? I mean---- Pastor Tom, did you think this was a sex show? Did you think there was nudity or something?
GK: Well, I --- I didn't even--- I mean, it didn't occur to me.
CF: It's a concert. By a quartet. Fourplay. Four --- f-o-u-r. Get it?
GK: Oh.
CF: What did you think it was?
GK: I have to run, Sharon.
CF: Okay. Are you all right?
GK: You take care. And say hello to your mother.
CF: Okay. I will.
GK: On second thought, no.
CF: No?
GK: Don't tell her we had this conversation. Okay?
CF: Okay. Have a nice summer.
GK: Bye.
(MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
© 1996 Garrison Keillor