GK:....brought to you by Bunyan Brand Stainless Steel Family Feeding Systems. Put the food down in front of them (BIG SPLAT AND SPLASH) and spread it around so they all get some (MOOSHING AND SWISHING) and then when they're done, (HOSE, HIGH PRESSURE) it cleans easily with a garden hose. Save the china for when they're older. Today, make it Bunyan Brand Stainless Steel Family Feeding Systems. Installs easily in your dining table with simple modifications (CIRCULAR SAW).
. . . Brought to you by Fred Farrell, the name to trust for all your animal call needs. (JUNGLE MONKEYS, BIRDS)
TR: Fred Farrell here. If you're a bird-watcher, you know how frustrating it can be to hike out in the country and spend hours and never see anything. Now, with Fred Farrell bird calls, all you do is give a blast and suddenly the air is full of feathered friends including rare specimens like the big-bellied sapsucker (SFX), the yellow-breasted fence sitter (SFX), and the crested red-winged jitterbird (SFX). Only calls the birds whom you can identify easily, so you're never embarrassed in front of your bird-watching friends. Order three bird calls and get absolutely free, our eight-in-one bird call include Crane (WHOOP), Cormorant (CAW), Kingfisher (SQUAWK), Curlew (SFX), Kiwi (CHITTER), Canadian Goose (HONK), California Condor (SHRIEK) and Cardinal ("ET SPIRITUS SANCTUS. . . ."). And here's a bonus if you're from the city and spending part of the summer in the country, a set of four City Calls (TK: HEY STOOPID. CF: HEY. MOVE IT OR PARK IT. TK: Hey. Whatcha doin tonight, gorgeous? CF: BEAT IT, CREEP.)
GK: Fred Farrell, the name to trust when it comes to animal calls (JUNGLE MEDLEY)
....brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf --- Maurice the maitre'd says: (GIBBERISH) if cafeteria food is getting you down, (GIBBERISH) order by phone from Francaise Expresse (GIBBERISH) for next day delivery by air. Does Francaise Expresse deliver anywhere, even to remote places in northern Michigan?
TK: Oui, monsieur.
GK: And the food is good?
TK: (FRENCH ECSTATIC SUPERLATIVE GIBBERISH)
GK: I see. And your special tomorrow is....
TK: Escargot.
GK: I know it flies as cargo, but what is the special?
TK: Escargot.
GK: I'm sorry?
TK: You know---- (HE MAKES LITTLE HIGH-PITCHED SOUNDS AND WAVES ANTENNA, TO SUGGEST SNAIL)
GK: Maggots?
TK: No, no, no.....(MORE SNAIL)
GK: Fruit flies.
TK: No, no, no.....snails.
GK: Snails.
TK: Oui. Snails.
GK: Wee snails. You mean babies?
TK: No. Snails.
GK: No snails is more like it. A word from the Cafe Boeuf.....
© 1996 Garrison Keillor