GK:....brought to you by your local SunBrite Drive-Through Counseling. (HEAVY TRAFFIC NEARBY)
SS (SPEAKER): Yes?
TR: I'm obsessive compulsive, I'm depressed, and I'm completely neurotic.
SS (SPEAKER): Okay. You want plain counselling or do you want drugs with that?
TR: Plain.
SS (SPEAKER THROUGHOUT): Do you want the $1.79, the $2.59, or the $3.89?
TR: Uh. Actually I just wanted to ask something.
SS: Yeah?
TR: Do you like me?
SS: Do I what?
TR: Do you like me?
SS: How would I know? I just met you.
TR: What was your first impression when I drove in?
SS: Drive up where I can see you and I'll tell you.
TR: Okay. (CAR MOVES AHEAD, STOPS) (PAUSE)
SS: Nervous.
TR: Okay.
SS: Emotionally needy.
TR: Okay.
SS: You also need to do something different with your hair.
TR: Okay. Thanks.
SS: I wouldn't comb it straight back and up like that. I think that's pretty much over.
TR: Okay.
SS: Do you want the $1.79, the $2.59, or the $3.89?
TR: Dollar seventy-nine.
SS (SPEAKER): Okay. Pull ahead to Window No. 3.
(CAR PULL AHEAD SLOWLY, AND STOP. PAUSE. TR, SIGH AND THROAT CLEAR.)
TK: You the guy with the $1.79 obsessive compulsive problem and the poor self image?
TR: And depression.
TK: Oh. Depression too. Okay. Just a minute. (PAUSE) Okay. Quit being so weird. Everybody makes mistakes, and so do you so don't make such a big thing of it. Quit brooding about it. Get outdoors once in awhile for crying out loud. Play a sport. Do something. Get a life. Make friends. You sit there looking at your belly button of course you're gonna get all screwy. Quit moping. Just get over it. Okay?
TR: Okay. Could I have some drugs?
TK: Here's a couple aspirin. Beat it.
TR: Thanks.
(CAR PULL AWAY)
GK: Sunbrite Drive-Through Counselling.
© 1996 Garrison Keillor