GK:.....brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
You're on your way to Savannah (TR SIGH OF HAPPINESS) but you have to change planes in Atlanta (TR: Oh boy), that airport the size of Connecticut so you're a little tense (JET HUM, INTERIOR P.O.V.) as your flight begins its descent (TR DEEP BREATH: Gotta be in Savannah at one o'clock. Hope I make it.) and then there's a little turbulence (JIGGLING OF GLASSWARE) and then the plane is really shaking (TR, MAJOR SHAKING: Everything is okay, isn't it? SS STEW: Yeah, it's just an updraft from the swamps. TR, SHAKING: Oh, I see.) and for just a moment the pilot comes on the p.a. system (TK ON INTERCOM: We are making our gradual descent into the Atlanta----what's that? Ralph? Hey, Ralph?) but you land all right anyway (JET LANDING, TIRES SCREECH) and you pull up to Gate A75 and (DING OF SEATBELT SIGN GOING OFF. HUBBUB OF VOICES) suddenly the aisle is packed with people (HUBBUB OF STRUGGLING) wrestling their bags out of the overhead (HUBBUB, SOME FIGHTS, A KAPOW AND AN ARRGGHHHH) and some have big wooden crates (CHICKEN FLURRY) and it takes a while to get off (HUBBUB, TR ANXIETY) and you look at the screen and (TR: O my gosh) the flight to Savannah leaves from Concourse Z, gate 146 ---- (TR ANXIETY, FAST FOOTSTEPS) so you run, your luggage banging against you (RUNNING, TRASHBAG JIGGLING) and you make a dash for the shuttle train (SS ELECT. VOICE: STAND BACK, THE DOORS ARE CLOSING) (TR: NO!!! TR EFFORT. TR: Got to get there by one! SS VOICE: RELEASE THE DOORS!!!! DO NOT HOLD THE DOORS OR YOU WILL BE DECAPITATED!!! TR: Gotta get on the train. TR TREMENDOUS EFFORT) and you manage to force the door open and now (KLAXON) lights are flashing and the alarm is ringing (SS VOICE: You're in trouble now. OOGAH OOGAH ALARM. BELLS) and there is a small Indian man next to you (TR INDIAN: Everything will be all right.) but everything is not all right (TR: I got to run for it! TR INDIAN: Everything will be very very good.) and he hums (TR HUM) and the doors close and the train moves (SS ELECT VOICE: Next station....Concourse Z.) and you get to Concourse Z and (TK: Your courtesy cart, sir. TR: For me?) Yes, for you. (CART HUMS AWAY) And in seconds you're at gate 146 and (SS: Hello, sir. Unfortunately, the coach has been overbooked---- TR: WHAT????? SS: ---- so we're upgrading you to first class. TR: Oh.) and on you go and the flight is smooth and the pilot sounds really professional (TK ON INTERCOM: Climbing out of ATL we'll be heading oh-niner eastnortheast at 14.....) and the meal is fabulous (TR STEWARD: We have, for our white wine, a 1964 Pouilly-Fume, a somewhat ironic wine, but fairly muscular, and for the red, a very nice 1969 Chateau Lafite Rothschild, rather bold and quite plummy, with a backdraft of hazelnut, raspberry, and red moroccan leather.) and you land in Savannah feeling absolutely wonderful (TR SIGH OF PLEASURE) and the cab takes you straight to the hotel (CAR SLOWING AND STOPPING. TK: That'll be two dollars and forty-seven cents, sir.) and you walk into the ballroom (HUBBUB OF SOUTHERN VOICES) and it's exactly one o'clock (FOOTSTEPS. HUBBUB) and you walk up to the front and (SS SOUTHERN: Why, good afternoon, what a pleasure to see you----) you sit down behind the lectern and reach into your briefcase and get your speech (SS ON P.A.: On behalf of the Savannah Historical Society, it's my pleasure to welcome.....a distinguished historian and the author of many wonderful books about the South and a man who has done so much for the cause of history and the humanities in general) and you look at your speech, "Savannah: From Cotton Market to Cultural Mecca," and (TR: Oh no.) it's not that speech, it's another speech. (TR: The Contributions of William T. Sherman To Urban Planning in the South) (RHUBARB THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie. Yes, nothing takes the taste of shame and defeat out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
© 1996 Garrison Keillor