....(HOMESPUN MIDWEST THEME)....

GK: Coming up later on many of these stations.....Little House in the Big Swamp.....

GK: Many years ago, Pa and Ma and Mary and Laura and Carrie left their little house in the Big Woods of Wisconsin and (WHINNY) Laura said,

CF: Pa, where are we going?

GK: And Pa said---

TR: Winter has made us slightly berserk, Laura. So we're going south to North Carolina.

CF: Oh. I see. Can Jack come too? (WOOFS)

TR: So long as he don't bite anybody he can.

CF: Come, Jack! Up in the wagon! (WOOF, DOG JINGLE, PANTING)

(GIDDAP) (HOOVES)

GK: And off they rode through the big woods and crossed the river over the ice, (WHINNY, HOOVES) and rode all the way to North Carolina, where Ma said,

CF: Look, Charles, there's the road to Durham.

TR: I see it, Caroline. I'm not stupid.

CF: Is it going to be warm in North Carolina, Charles?

TR: That's right. And it'll be so humid, we'll be able to harvest the mildew from our walls and use it in our salads.

CF: Heavens to betsy. Fresh salads.

GK; And soon Ma and Pa and Laura and Mary and Carrie headed for their new home in the big swamp (HOOVES, WHINNY).... It had wheels on it and there were refrigerators and washing machines in the back yard that didn't seem to be in working order. (DOG BARK) ---

CF: Pa?

GK: .....said Mary, who was blind of course.

TR: What is it, Mary?

CF: What is that moving on my shoulder, Pa? (SNAKE)

TR: It's only my hand, Mary. (SHOTGUN) Just taking target practice.

CF: It sounded like a deadly snake, Pa.

TR: No, I was only holding a maracca in my hand, Mary.

GK: Said Pa. But it was a deadly snake. And every day there were more of them

CF: Pa, there's something in the foot of my bed.

TR: It's only an old sock, Mary. (SHOTGUN)

CF: Why'd you shoot a sock, Pa?

TR: It needed to be aired out, Mary. (SNAKE, SHOTGUN BLAST).

GK: The prevalence of snakes is why there are no high buildings. So that people can jump out of the windows if snakes come after them through the ventilating systems, as they so often do in the south. (SNAKE, SHOTGUN) Pa and Ma and Mary and Laura and Carrie lived in the South for only two weeks and in that time they killed four-hundred deadly water moccasins

CF: Pa, there's something in the toilet.

TR: It's only an earthquake, Mary. (SHOTGUN)

GK: ....and eventually they moved back to Wisconsin. It's cold there but you don't have to think about snakes every time you go to bed at night.

CF: Pa?

TR: What is it, Laura?

CF: Can we watch the NBA playoffs on TV, Pa?

TR: No, Laura, this is the 19th century.

CF: Oh.

(MUSIC UP)

GK: .....Little House in the Big Swamp...coming up later on many of these stations. (MUSIC OFF)

© 1996 Garrison Keillor