GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by MarDel, makers of CoNex. It is Memorial Day weekend, marking the beginning of summer, and what plans do famous people have for the summer? Are they going to relax or will it be just more work, work, work, in the endless struggle to stay on top? Let's ask some of them. How about you, Mr. President? Any plans for the summer?
TR (CLINTON): Well, I like to relax by giving a few speeches and meeting with my fellow Americans, -- next week, I'm giving a speech about the importance of adopting abandoned dogs and cats, and I'll be visiting animal pounds and actually getting the chance to meet a number of these fine animals myself.
GK: I see.
TR (CLINTON): And then the week after next, I'll be on a tour of day care centers and speaking to our little ones about the importance of never accepting a ride from a Republican congressman you don't know.
GK: I see. Sounds like a busy summer. How about you, Senator Dole?
TR (DOLE): Former Senator.
GK: I see.
TR (DOLE): Left the Senate. Not there anymore.
GK: Well, I heard you were going to....
TR (DOLE): Don't even remember Washington. Seems like so long ago.
GK: You were Majority Leader, sir.
TR (DOLE): Washington is just a hazy memory to me. Place with monuments. I'm just Bob Dole, father, husband, war hero, small-town fella, Midwesterner, dog owner, and a guy in khaki shorts and a plaid shirt.
GK: I noticed you're not wearing the blue suit.
TR (DOLE): Don't wear blue suits anymore. Bob Dole wears every day guy clothes and that's because Bob Dole looks at things in a normal way, the way that most Americans do, and not like the Clintons do.
GK: I see. So how are you planning to spend your summer, sir?
TR (DOLE): Just going to travel around and let people see who Bob Dole is. Show 'em my shorts.
GK: Thank you, Mr. Dole.
TR (DOLE): Call me Bob Dole.
GK: Thank you, Bob Dole. How about you, Mr. Perot? How are you planning to spend your summer?
TR (PEROT): You want to know something? We're losin our summers to Mexico. Take a look at the weather report cold up here, warm down there. Now that's what I call passing the peas after the table's been cleared. It's just that simple.
GK: So what are you up to this summer?
TR (PEROT): I am standing ready in case I should have to ask myself to run for President --- which, at this point, I do not know if I will ask myself or not, but if I should draft myself to run, I want to be prepared to give it careful consideration, but I haven't heard from myself on that matter as of yet so I don't know.
GK: Very good. How about you, President Bush?
TR (BUSH): Well, thinking of summer, and the livin' is easy, and it certainly is ---- got the pool there....great filtering system....gotta have that with the grandchildren....you know kids.....water relaxes them.....got the chaise longue.....got the old Tanqueray peace-maker there by my side.....got the memories.....Thanks for the memories, as they say. But you know, if Dole should stumble.... babbling out there and getting all spooky the way he does.....if the party calls me......I'll be there, suit pressed, shoes shined. And of course with me, there wouldn't be the expense of another Presidential Library. Already got that. Big savings there.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Andy Rooney, how are you spending your summer?
TR (ROONEY): The thing that I don't understand is why, when it's summer in the northern hemisphere, it's winter in the southern.
GK: Okay. Thanks. Let me get back to you.
TR (ROONEY): Doesn't that make a person wonder? Kind of interesting, isn't it?
GK: Let me think about that. Carol Channing? Your summer plans?
TR (CHANNING): I'm going to just lie very quietly in a dark room with a cold cloth on my forehead and a pair of teabags on my eyelids and put my hair in the freezer, darling.
GK: Okay. Good. Ted Koppel, how about you?
TR (KOPPEL): I want to be frank with you, and so I will be frank with you, and say that I am planning to take a two-week vacation during which, in all likelihood, I will be attempting to ski on water while holding a tow rope attached to the stern of a powerboat, which is to say, a boat with a motor attached to it, as it speeds across the lake, pulling me in the direction in which it is going.
GK: I see.
TR (KOPPEL): Unfortunately, when I've attempted this in the past, I find it difficult to maintain my balance, because once my hair gets wet, my head becomes almost as heavy as the rest of my body put together.
GK: That must be tough.
TR (KOPPEL): But on the other hand, it makes it easy to scuba dive.
GK: Well, good luck. Thank you. Mr. Rogers? What are your plans for the summer?
TR (ROGERS): You want to know my plans for the summer? Do you? Well, I have many plans for the summer. Did you know that most children have vacation in the summer? Did you? Did you know that no matter where you go in June and July and August, you run into a lot of children? Did you know that? Mr. Rogers knows that. And that's why Mr. Rogers is going to build a very big fort this summer. I've always wanted to build a fort, and now I will. Yes, I will. And, if I don't want you to come in my fort, then you can't come in. No, you can't. I like you the way you are, but that doesn't mean I want you in my fort.
GK: Mr. Rogers---
TR (ROGERS): I'm not finished yet.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): I didn't say it was time for interruptions now, did I?
GK: I guess not.
TR (ROGERS): I was talking.
GK: I know.
TR (ROGERS): And now I'm done talking.
GK: Good. That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)
© 1996 Garrison Keillor