GK:.....brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
You're walking through a meadow (TR WHISTLING) and through a herd of sheep (SHEEP) and you walk through the meadow and all of a sudden (TR HORROR) there is a cliff beneath your feet (WIND IN VAST SPACE, SURF BELOW) and a thousand feet straight down is the surf (TR HORROR) and you're on the edge of the cliff (TR HORROR, WAVING ARMS) and you're trying to keep your balance but (TR HORROR INTO REVERB) you fall slowly off the cliff and (CF: Honey.....honey......TR SNORES AND SNORTS: What?) you're on the floor beside your bed (TR WAKING CONFUSION) and the quilt is wrapped around you and (CF: Good morning) your wife has brought you a cup of coffee (TR: Thanks.) and she opens the blinds (SFX) and it's so bright out (TR SHRINKING FROM SUNLIGHT) and everything is so green and springlike (TR YAWN: How long have I been sleeping?) and you take a hot shower (SFX) and a bowl of hot oatmeal with hot salsa on it (TR SINGS BIG NOTE: Ay yi yi YI) and you feel the torpor and the dormancy of winter fall away (TR: Ay yi YI yi) and you burst out the front door (TR DEEP INHALE AND TARZAN CRY) and you start up the lawn mower (SFX) and you mow the lawn in two minutes (FAST-MOTION MOWING, HIGHER PITCH, BACK AND FORTH) and you get out the garden tractor (SFX) and you dig up the garden (FAST-MOTION CULTIVATION) and you put in the tomato plants (FAST-MOTION PLANTING, ABOUT TWENTY PLANTS BEING POPPED INTO MUCK) and you get out the paint and stir it (FAST STIRRING OF VISCOUS LIQUID) and you paint the garage (FAST MOTION PAINTING) and you clean out the basement (TRASH) and there you find a guitar you haven't played in twenty years (GUITAR CHORD) and there's a Mel Bay guitar instruction book and you learn about fifteen new chords (QUICK JAZZ CHORD SEQUENCE) and you come upstairs (FOOTSTEPS UP STAIRS. CF: Hi. Why are you looking at me like that? What is it? TR: You know what. CF: Oh....that. TWO PAIRS OF FOOTSTEPS, FAST. DOOR CLOSE.) and you make love to your wife and (DOOR OPEN. CF: Thanks. TR: No problem.) here you are, it's only nine o'clock in the morning. You get in your car to go to the plant store (CAR START UP) and you head down the highway (CAR) and the wind feels so good (CAR ACCELERATE), pretty soon you're going seventy (ACCELERATE) and you go past the plant store (ZOOM) and now you're out of town and (SPEEDING CAR) you're going a hundred (TR REDNECK WHOOP) and you never knew this old car could go like this (REV UP, LOUD PIPES) and now a whole bunch of cars passes you (FAST SERIES OF RACE CARS GOING PAST) and you look down, you're wearing a blue and gold silk shirt with an STP insignia (TR REDNECK: Come on, Mama, let's go git them peckerwoods) (MCFOR ENGINE ROAR) and out you go on the track and you've got her wound up to a hundred and twenty, a hundred and fifty, and now (LIFT OFF) you're airborne, and up and over the crowd (CROWD YELL) and you're heading west, over the ridge, when suddenly out of the cloud above (PLANE APPROACHES, MACHINE GUNS) and you push the stick to the left (PLANE GOES INTO SCREAMING DIVE) and you take her down, down, down, and then (PLANE LEVELS OUT AND CLIMBS) you pull back and just miss (PLANE ZOOMS PAST MOOING COW) a Holstein and you pull up the nose and those trees are coming closer and closer (TR: C'mon baby, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon) (BIG CRUNCH, CRACKLING) and you hit the tall pine and the plane pitches forward (CRACKING, TR REACTION) and it hits the ground (CRUNCH, EXPLOSION) and you're trapped in the wreckage (TR: Help!) (FIRE) and the flames are licking at your white scarf and your flight jacket (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) and suddenly she's there (CF: Just relax. Let me cut you loose. RIPPING CF: There. Grab hold of my arm. TR REACTION, CF EFFORT) and she pulls you out of the flaming wreck (CF: Put your arm over my shoulder. FOOTSTEPS. TR WOUNDED REACTION. CF: Hurry. Got to get away from that wreck before it---- DISTANT EXPLOSIONS. FOUR BIG FIREBALLS. CF: Guess you had some ammo aboard,huh?) and she calls a medic (SIREN) and they take you to a hospital and she visits you there (CF: Hi, trooper, how y' doing? TR WHISPER: Not bad.) and over the next few days, you fall in love (TR: There's something I need to tell you, Lieutenant. CF: What is it, Captain?) and you ask her to marry you (CF: Well....Okay.) but first you have to get out of this POW camp. (TR GERMAN, BOOTS MARCHING) Did I mention the POW camp? No? Well, that's where you and she are. You wait until late at night (MARCHING BOOTS FADE) and it's very quiet and you head out across the minefield (FOOTSTEPS) (OWL) and it's very dark but you're both very brave because you love each other so much and you walk through the minefield and up a hill (TR: You okay? CF: I'm fine. You okay? TR: I'll go on ahead. You wait here. CF: Okay. Be careful. TR: I will. FOOTSTEPS) and you come over the top of the hill and there's nobody there, just (SHEEP) some sheep and you walk on a little farther and then suddenly (TR HORROR. WIND. SURF BELOW) ---- yep, it's the edge of that cliff again. (RHUBARB THEME)
Time for a piece of pie. Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Yes, Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
© 1996 By Garrison Keillor