People don't tell jokes the way they used to.
I used to hear jokes all the time.
I heard em from the barber, from the waitress at the cafe,
I never hear them now. I don't know why.
People don't tell jokes like they used to.
We used to tell them every night.
We'd sit around the kitchen, Mom and Pop and you and me,
But I never hear em now, I don't know why.
I never hear as many jokes as I used to.
I used to hear jokes all the time.
I heard em from the barber, from the waitress at the cafe,
I never hear them now. I don't know why.
People don't tell jokes, I think they're afraid to.
Afraid they might offend someone nearby.
Can't make fun of things the way we used to do.
You don't hear jokes today, I think that's why.
Young people now, they don't tell jokes like we did.
They don't have fun like we did in our day.
It was hard times back then, and you needed humor,
It's easier now, and jokes have passed away.
People don't tell jokes the way they used to.
People mostly sit around and complain.
Sometimes somebody tries to tell an old one,
But nobody laughs anymore cause it's not the same.
People don't tell jokes the way they used to.
I used to hear jokes all the time.
I heard em from the barber, from the waitress at the cafe,
I never hear them now. I don't know why.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? He lost interest.
Why did the Indian have a hard time getting into the hotel? He didn't have a reservation.
Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn.
Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half. Good; I'll take two of them.
Dad, I'm going to a party; would you do my homework for me? I'm sorry, kid, but it just wouldn't be right. Well, maybe not; give it a try anyway.
I have terrible news, Mr. Larson. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's. Well, Doctor, at least I don't have cancer.
We went to this wonderful restaurant today and I can't remember the name of it. What's that flower with the sharp thorns and it can be red, white or pink? Rose? Yeah. Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant?
What's green and hangs from trees? Giraffe snot
So---A guy takes a gorilla out golfing. They come up to the first tee and the gorilla asks, "What am I supposed to do?" The guy says, "You see that little round green spot about four hundred yards from here? You're supposed to hit the ball onto that." So the gorilla hauls off and whacks the ball and it goes screaming down the fairway and it lands on the green. The man drives his ball and it goes a hundred and fifty yards, and he hits an iron shot and a second iron shot and he lands on the green, the gorilla following along behind him, and they come to the green and the gorilla says, "What do I do now?" The man says, "Now you hit it into that cup!" The gorilla says, "Why didn't you tell me that back there?"
These two guys were walking down the fairway when a funeral procession went by the golf course, and one guy was just about to play his 3-iron shot, but he stopped, took off his hat and bowed his head while the procession went by. Then he lined up his shot, and the second guy said, "You're really a sensitive person, noticing that funeral and everything," and the first guy said, "Yeah, well--- we would have been married 25 years tomorrow."
A priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven on the same day and St. Peter showed them both to their rooms. The lawyer's room was extremely large and lavish - and the priest's room was a little ten by ten cell with one window and a cot. The priest said, "St. Peter, I have spent my entire life serving God... Why do I get a crummy room and the lawyer gets the best room?" St. Peter replied, "Well, we get thousands of priests here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever had."
A lawyer sent a note to a client: "Dear Jim, Thought I saw you on the street the other day, crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25.00"
What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
Why won't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington D.C. has so many lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.
So a young lawyer meets the devil at a bar association convention and the devil says, "Listen, if you give me your soul....and give me the souls of everyone in your family.... I'll make you a full partner in your firm." And the young lawyer says, "So.... What's the catch?"
So the lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer. "No, I did not," said the doctor. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen: one to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb wants to change.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change it and one not to change it.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change it and fifteen to form a support group.
How many I.B.M. engineers does it take to change a burnt light bulb? None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb??? Six. Why? It just does, okay?
How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many advertising execs does it take to change a light bulb? Interesting question. What do you think?
How many art students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets two credits.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None - that's a hardware problem.
How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb? None. You don't need it out today, but if it continues to give you trouble in the future, you should consider removing it.
So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."
So----A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! no mushrooms. Get out." The mushroom says, "Hey, what's the matter? I'm a fun guy."
Termite went in a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, you're food, and we don't serve food here".
This skeleton walks into a bar and says give me a beer and give me a mop.
So, this fly walks into a bar and he walks up to a woman sitting at the bar and says, "I like that stool you're sitting on."
Hey Bartender. Pour me a cold one. Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble? Maybe later; right now I just wanna beer.
Two ropes go into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out of here. We don't serve ropes in here." The ropes go outside and one says to the other, "I have an idea." He ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey. No ropes." The rope says, "I'm not a rope." The bartender says, "You're not a rope?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
So--- a cowboy walks into the bar and asks for a whiskey. And suddenly another cowboy rushes in and yells, "Joe, Joe, hurry up, your house is on fire!' And the cowboy runs to the door and then he stops and he thinks: 'Hey --- I aint got no house!" Sits back down, drinks his whiskey, and suddenly another cowboy runs into the bar shouting: "Joe, Joe, hurry up, your father is dying! The cowboy jumps up and runs out and jumps on his horse and suddenly he remembers: "I aint got no father!" So he walks back to the bar, sits down, finishes his drink and another cowboy bursts in and he yells: "Joe, Joe, hurry up, you won the lottery and there's a million bucks for you at the post office!" The cowboy jumps to his feet, runs out of the bar, jumps on his horse, gallops to the post office, dashes in, and then he says: "Hey! My name aint Joe! It's Bob."
This doctor got really stressed out at his job, and so he would stop every day and see his friend Dick the bartender on his way home. And so Dick would know the doctor was coming, and he would have an almond daiquiri ready for the doctor. And so the doctor would come in and have his almond daiquiri and come home. But one day, Dick ran out of almonds, and so he thought, "Well, the doctor won't know the difference." So he cut up this hickory nut, and made a daiquiri out of that. And the doctor came by, and he put it in front of the doctor. The doctor took a sip, and he said, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" And he said, "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
So a Frenchman walks into a bar and he has a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot is wearing a baseball cap. And the bartender says, "Hey, that's neat-where did you get that?" And the parrot says, "France-they've got millions of them there."
A guy comes in with a frog on his head, and the bartender says, "Where did you get that?" And the frog says, "It started out as a little bump on my butt."
Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
So this guy walks into a bar and sits down and he says, "Give me two beers. Rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? what do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the Corgis --- you know, the dogs that the royal family owns." The bartender says, "Tough job, huh?" The guy says, "Well, all that in-breeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperament. And the dogs aren't that smart either."
So this woman went to hear Patrick Buchanan give his stump speech and she thought it was okay but that it would have been better in the original German.
Did you hear about the skeleton they found in the closet on the Iowa State campus last weekend? He was the winner of the 1965 hide and seek contest.
So the Iowan walks into the hardware store to buy a chain saw. He says, "I want one that'll cut down about ten trees in an hour." So the clerk sells him one. The next day, the Iowan comes in all upset and says, "Hey, this chain saw only cut down one little tree in one hour!" The clerk said, "Gee, Let me take a look at it." And he pulled on the starter rope and the saw started up and the Iowan said, "Hey, what's that noise?"
Why don't they take coffee breaks in Iowa? It takes too long to retrain them.
What makes an Iowan's eyes light up? Stick a flashlight in his ear.
Why do Iowans hate to make chocolate chip cookies? It takes too long to peel the m&ms.
Why do Iowans use birth control pills? So they'll know what day of the week it is.
And why do they stop using birth control pills? Because the pills kept falling out.
Why don't Iowans make Jello? They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little bags.
Why don't they eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.
How do you know when an Iowan has been using your computer? There are eraser marks on the screen.
What do the Iowa cheerleaders do on the field at halftime? Graze.
Did you hear about the Iowan who stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on him.
Did you hear about the Iowan that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.
Ole came home from work one day and found Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. He asked her, "Lena, why are you sitting there without any clothes on?" And Lena said, "I don't have no clothes to wear." Ole said, "Don't be silly-you got lots of clothes." And he went over to the closet, flung open the door, and said, "Lena, look-here's a blue dress, here's yellow dress, here's Sven, here's a flowered dress ..."
So anyway, Sven and Ole went fishing and the fish were biting pretty good, and while they were reeling in the fish, Sven he fell out of the boat, and Ole he got his fish in the boat and got the hook out and then he dove in for Sven and he brought him up and laid him in the boat and he give him mouth to mouth and Ole he thinks, "Pew, that sure was bad coffee Sven drank this morning," and then he looks and he says, "Hey. Sven didn't have a snowmobile suit on when he fell out of the boat, I wonder who this is?"
What did the Minnesotan say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? "Hey, man-nice tan."
If a Palestinian and a Minnesotan get married, what do they call their child? Yasir Yabetcha.
There were identical twins, born in Greece and separated at birth-put up for adoption. One was sent off to Saudi Arabia and he was named Amal. And the other one was sent off to Spain, and he was named Juan. And their relatives arranged for a reunion, many years later. It was a big event, and everyone showed up at the airport in Greece to greet the twins. The plane from Spain landed, and Juan came off to the plane, to the delight of the crowd. And they waited for the plane from Saudi Arabia, and soon it arrived, but Amal wasn't there-he'd missed the plane. And one relative said to the other, "Well, they are identical twins. And if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A kid was ice fishing, cut his hole in the ice and didn't have much luck. But there was a guy across the way who was hauling in a bounty of fish, just one after another. So the kid went over to the guy and said, "What are you doing to get all of these fish? I'm just a few feet away from you, and I'm not catching anything." The guy answered in a muffled voice, "Ee yer erms orm." And the kid didn't understand. And the guy tried to speak again, "Ee yer erms orm." The kid still couldn't understand him, so the guy said, spitting off to the side "spffffff .... I said ... keep your worms warm!"
These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across but it's so deep, when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a big rock, and still no sound. So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie and they haul it over to the hole and heave it in and it disappears and there's no sound, and suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing. Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?" And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here." "Naw," says the farmer, "that wasn't be my goat-my goat was tied up to a railroad tie."
So this duck walks into a drug store and he says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book." The librarian says: "You want a book?" "Book." "Any book?" "Book." So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes and an hour later the chicken comes back and she says, "Book-book" The librarian says: "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she gives the chicken two more novels and she leaves but she comes back later. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on, and chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him and he looks at them and he says: "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."
This duck walks into a supermarket, sees a guy with a nametag that says "Manager," walks over to him and says, "Got any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't-we don't even allow ducks in here. So get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day, the same duck comes in, walks up to the manager and says, "Got any duck food?" The manager say, "No, and I'll you what-you come in here again, and I'm going to nail your little wet feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The very next day, the same duck comes back into the supermarket, goes up to the manager and says, "Got any nails?" And the manager say, "No, why?" And the duck says, "Got any duck food?"
Your mama is so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. Your mama is so fat, when she goes to the movie, she sits next to everyone. Your mama is so fat, when she goes in a resturant, she looks at the menu and says," Okay ". Your mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Your mama is so fat, she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller. Your mama is so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket. Your mama is so fat, you have to take a train and two buses, just to get on her good side. Your mama is so fat, she has to wake up in sections. Your mama's so fat, she sat on a quarter and a boogger popped out of George Washington's nose. Your mama is so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time she got them on, they spelled boulevard. Your mama is so fat, the National Weather Service gives a name for each one of her farts. Your mama is so ugly, they're going to move Halloween to her birthday. Your mama is so ugly, she makes onions cry. Your mama is so ugly, she went to the beauty shop and it took three hours, for an estimate. Your mama is so ugly, when she goes to the beach, cats try to put sand on her. Your mama is so old, when she was in school, they didn't have history. Your mama is so old, when I told her to act her own age, she died. Your mama's so fat, when she's standing on the corner, police drive by and say, "Hey! Break it up!"
So--- this guy's father dies and he tells the undertaker he wants to give Dad the very best, so they have the funeral and the undertaker sends him a bill for $16,000. He pays it. And a month later he gets a bill for $85, which he pays, and the next month there's another $85 bill, and the next month, and finally the guy calls up the undertaker and the undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your dad. So I rented him a tux."
When I was a kid we were so poor, when my little brother broke his arm we had to take him out to the airport for x-rays. We were so poor we'd lick stamps for dinner. We were so poor my dad would eat Cheerios with a fork so he could pass the milk around the table. We were so poor, we didn't even use the O and the R.
So----the teacher was telling her third-grade class that they needed to bring in a couple dollars to get a copy of the class picture, and she said, "This is going to mean so much to you in thirty years. You'll look at it and you'll say, there's my friend Julie, she's a lawyer now, and there's my friend Jim," and a voice from the back of the room interupted, "And there's my teacher... She's dead."
This international law firm advertises for a secretary, and a golden retriever comes in and she passes the typing test and in the interview, the personnel manager says, "But how about foreign languages?" and the golden retriever says, "Meow."
A sadistic drill sergeant runs his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on and as they stand there exhausted, he puts his face right up to this one recruit's face and says : "I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit said, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again."
This old rancher in Montana hates wearing a seat belt, but one day he's driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him, and he says to his wife, "Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!" So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and he says, "Say, I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt." The rancher says, "I was too, but you don't have to take my word for it-- my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her; she'll tell you the truth. She doesn't lie about anything." The cop says to the wife, "So? How about it, ma'am?" And the wife says: "I've been married to Buck for twenty years, officer, and one thing I've learned in all that time is this: you never argue with him when he's drunk."
So----a man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat and, just to be sure, he asked his next door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. "No problem" said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days he called the neighbor and asked how things were going. "Well," the neighbor said, "your cat died." "Geez", the guy said. "You have to come right out and tell me like that? couldn't you have a little more consideration? I'm on vacation. Couldn't you have broken it to me a little more gently. Like first telling me that the cat was on the roof, then that the cat fell off the roof, then maybe the next day telling me you had taken the cat to the vet- like that, not BOOM all at once! By the way, how's my Mom doing?" Well, said the neighbor, she's up on the roof..."
A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook says, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
So this old guy is dying, and he says to his wife, "Honey. Call for a priest." And she says, "But John, we're Lutheran." And he says, "What? I should make Pastor Halvorson sick?
Why is it dangerous to piss off a Unitarian? He might burn a questionmark in your front lawn.
Why are Unitarians such bad singers? Because they're always reading ahead in the hymnal to see if they agree with it.
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists ? Baptists won't wave to each other in the liquor store.
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent and gracious-she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg" answered God. "That's pretty steep, " replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
So---three engineers are arguing about which is better, mechanical engineering, or electrical, or civil---and the mechanical engineer says, "God must've been a mechanical engineer because---look at the joints in the human body." And the second says, "No, God must've been an electrical engineer: look at the nervous system." And the third said: "God had to be a civil engineer, cause who else would've run a waste disposal pipeline right through a great recreational area?"
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
A man went into a shop to buy a car radio, and the salesman said, "Oh, this is the latest model-this is a voice-activated car radio. You just tell it what you want-no need to take your hands off the wheel." So he has it installed and he takes off down the road, and he says, "Classical!" And a public radio station comes on and there's a Mozart symphony, and he listens to that for awhile. And then he says, "Country!" and there's a Garth Brooks song, and he listens to that. Then a car comes by, driving really fast and it cuts in front of him, and the guy yells out, "Stupid!" And the radio changes to Rush Limbaugh.
So---a surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest, and the doctor said, "Well, on the fifth day of Creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession." The engineer said, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession." And the lawyer said, "Yes, but who created the chaos?"
So this Iowan died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter said, "Before I let you in, you have to pass a test." "Oh, no!" she said. Saint Peter said, "Don't worry. This is easy. Just answer this question: Who was God's Son?" The Iowan thought and finally she said "Andy!" Saint Peter said, "Andy?" The Iowan said, "We sang it in church: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."
Three nurses die and they go up to heaven. And St. Peter said, "So, tell me what did have you do with your life?" And the first nurse said, "Well, I work in an emergency room, and it's really challenging. But we're able to help some people and I think that's worthwhile." St. Peter says, "That's fabulous-come on in. I hope you enjoy heaven." And St. Peter turned to the second nurse and said, "So, what did you do with your life?" And the nurse says, "Lately I've been working in a hospice, and it's a little depressing, since everyone dies. But we're kind to people and I think that's worthwhile." St. Peter says, "That's great. Come on in-I hope you enjoy heaven." Then he faces the last remaining nurse and says, "So, what did you do with your life?" And the nurse says, "For the last years of my life, I worked as a managed-care nurse for an HMO." And St. Peter wrinkles his brow, pulls out a calculator, a whole set of manuals, and a pencil. He spends time, writing and scrunching up pieces of paper, and then looks up and says, "I can approve you for a five-day stay."
Every year, St. Peter conducted a tour down on earth. He told Virgin Mary, "This year, I'm going to survey all your shrines and compare them to the shrines I've seen in previous years." He took his tour, and visited shrines across the world before he came back to Heaven and reported to Mary, "I've got great news! There are more people at your shrines than anyone else's. But I noticed one thing-every single statue portrayed you with a sad expression on your face. Why is that?" And Mary said, "You might not understand my feelings." And St. Peter said, "Now, Mary, I've had many people tell me their innermost feelings-can't you open up to me?" And Mary said, "Well, you see, Peter ... I really wanted a girl."
Proof positive that Jesus was Irish: 1) He lived at home until he was 30. 2) The night before he died, he went out drinking with his buddies 3) His mother thought he was God 4) He thought his mother was a virgin.
Jesus was walking through the streets and he noticed a group of people throwing stones at an adultress. And He stopped and said to the crowd, "Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone." All of a sudden, a big stone came out of the crowd and hit the poor woman right on the head and bounced off. Jesus stopped, taken aback, then looked up and said, "Mom ....!"
So--God calls up the Pope and says, "I've got some good news, and some bad news." God says, "I've decided that there should be one church, and one religion. No more confusion." The Pope says, "That's wonderful." God says, "The bad news is: I'm calling from Salt Lake City."
So the guy goes in to his barber, he's all excited, he says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope." The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people." So the guy goes to Rome and comes back and the barber says, "How was it?" "Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope." "You met the Pope?" said the barber. "I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring." "And what did he say?" "He said, where did you get that crummy haircut?'"
A guy enters the monastery and he has to take a vow of silence, but once a year he can write a word on the chalkboard in front of the head monk. And so the first year, it's tough not to talk, but Word Day comes around and the monk writes, "The" on the chalkboard. And the second year is very painful-it's very difficult not to talk-and finally the Word Day rolls around. The monk scratches "food" on the chalkboard and enters his third year, which is excrutiating, and the monk struggles through it, and when the day rolls around again, he writes "stinks." And the head monk says, "What's with you? You've been here for three years and all you've done is complain.
What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Rottweiler? Jewelry.
What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo in the dumpster and it doesn't touch the sides.
So the kid says to his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician." And the dad says, "I'm sorry-you can't have it both ways."
Knock, knock. Who's there? Frankfurter. Frankfurter who? Frankfurter lovely evening.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Fortification. Fortification who? Fortification, we're going to Miami.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Mr. Walter. Mr. Walter who? You don't Mr. Walter until the well runs dry.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Itzhak. Itzhak who? Itzhak sin to tell a lie.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Earl. Earl who? Early bird gets the worm.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Ain't misbehavin'-savin' all my love for you.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Saul. Saul who? Saul there is; there ain't no more.