(MUSIC: NEWS INTRO)

SB: Returning now to our exclusive coverage of the 2017 TCS New York Marathon, I'm going to toss it to Prairie Home Companion's Willy Webster, who is live on the scene - Willy?

(SFX: RUNNING, HEAVY PANTING)

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Hi Connie.

SB: Willy, is everything okay? You sound out of breath.

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): I just hit the twenty mile mark and I am in a very dark place right now Connie.

SB: You're... running the marathon?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): You bet your michrophone I am!

SB: Wow. That is commitment to journalism, right there.

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): It hurts. It really, really hurts.

SB: Willy, can you tell us who's in the lead at the moment?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): How should I know! I didn't train for this! You think I'm anywhere near the front!?

(SFX: SPIT)

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): 'Scuse me, I just spit out my spleen!

SB: Well, h ow's the weather out there?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): I t's hell here, Connie. Just literal hell. Blazing hot and freezing cold at the same time and all the weather wants is a tuna melt.

SB: Geez, do you maybe want to stop running for a moment, to do this report?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): No, Connie. If I stop moving, I will die.

SB: That's pretty grim, Willy.

I'm starting to think you shouldn't be reporting on the race while running it.

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Connie, right now, the American People deserve real news, from real investigative journalists like myself--

(SFX: PIGEON SQUAWK)

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): J ust stepped on a pigeon. Fourth one today. Probably dead, lucky bird.

SB: Willy, let's refocus here, can we talk numbers maybe?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Sure, that sounds like something I can do right now.

SB: How much money was raised for charities, with this marathon?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Uh-huh. Well I'd say there are about a zillion people running. And that times na lot of dollars.n So, probably around one thousand million moneys. Does that sound number?

SB: Not really.

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Uh Connie, I'm seeing a cartoon rabbit who sells yogurt. Can you see him?

 

SB: No. We don't see a rabbit.

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Do you see my knees? I don't think I have knees. Here comes

Jim the sound guy.

TR (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Hey.

SB: Your sound guy is also running the marathon?

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): You think I'm gonna hold my own microphone? I'm RUNNING A MARATHON.

SB: Wait but that means-

(SFX: CRASH, MAN FALLING TO THE GROUND HOLDING LOTS OF GEAR)

FN (RUNNING, EXHAUSTED): Jimmy's down! Transmission over! YOGURT RABBIT DO YOU KNOW CPR!? WHERE ARE MY KNEES?

SB: Alright, well that completes our coverage of the New York City Marathon. Willy Webster will be back with more of his signature in-depth journalism for the... Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest? Oh Lord...

(MUSIC: NEWS OUTRO. UP, OUT. END.)