[NOTE: Bertrand presents the candies in a very positive tone. He's really selling them, trying to make them sound as delicious as possible.]

(MUSIC - BERTRAND THEME MUSIC)

CT: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce we have with us tonight our Staff Critic - Mr. Bertrand Falstaff Hein. 

TR: That's HeinEY, Chris. Yes, hello. 

CT: You've brought something with you, I see. A bowl of... is that Halloween candy?

TR: Yes, Halloween at Chateau Bertrand is a festive occasion. Though I offer the conventional candy fare, I strive to broaden the horizons of neighborhood children by providing a smattering of gourmet options as well. Inevitably, however, a few varieties remain at the end of the evening. 

CT: I see. So these are leftovers.

TR: I've brought the savory remnants here tonight to entice and delight the undoubtedly more sophisticated palates of the cast and crew. nnn

CT: I see.n

TR: One bite of a sugar-free Coco-Log from Nature's Bounty Confections stirs a dizzying fever dream, a revelation found at the edge of a burning cane field. Through the heat and smoke you watch as caramelized aspartame and lightly charred imitation coconut wrestle on a sticky mat of reduced calorie carob solids.

CT: My goodness...n (SFX wrapper)

TR: Or... pierce the cellophane of a Mother's Wharf Cinnamon Chowder Stick and be swept with the raw emotions of a New England widow still reeling with grief for her drowned love. In desperate tribute she crafts a tiny cinnamon husband, plies its mute lips with flakes of dried clam meat, rolls it in honey and encrusts its tiny limbs with rock candy and kelp.

CT: You say these are for kids?

TR: Or why not sample a pitch black shard of St. Swithins Anise Brittle, famous for its nearly illegal concentration of licorice compounds? Its hallucinatory properties are legendary... 

CT (cuts Bertrand off): I think we're good... Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Bertrand Falstaff Hein!

TR: [with mouth full] It's HeinEY!