(OFFICE AMBIENCE)

TP: Morning Susan! Hey, you look exhausted - couldn't sleep last night?

SB: Not a wink! That's the third night in a row - and I've got that big report this Friday! If I can't get some sleep before then, I'm done for, Jim!

TP: You know, I had that same problem last year - but then I got a prescription from my doctor, and now I sleep like a baby.

SB: That sounds fantastic! Which brand do you use? Ambien? Lunesta?

TP: Actually, it's a new one. It's called 4,000 Calories Of Turkey.

SB: 4,000 Calories of Turkey? I've never heard of it. Is it a pill?

TP: No, it's a pantsload of turkey. Each dose comes in a convenient gallon-size Ziploc bag. I just start eating it with my hands anywhere from four to 74 hours before bedtime, and eat continuously until I pass out where I stand. The next morning, I awaken to discover which room of my house I slept in that night.

SB: That sounds great! But are there any side effects?

TP: Not really. nSometimes I sleep longer than I intended to - but only by a margin of ten or twelve hours. I've also experienced some weight gain - three to four pounds a week.

SB: But at least it's all-natural!

TP: If there's anything natural about eating a month's worth of protein in a single sitting, then yes - it's completely natural.

SB: That sounds great. I think I'll give it a shot!

(MUSIC UP)

TR (ANNC): 4,000 Calories of Turkey is non-habit-forming - at least, no more than turkey usually is. Additional side effects may include greasy hands, face, and bedsheets; increased spending on sweat pants and recliners; and recurring nightmares about being chased by giant turkeys.

TP: Hey Susan! Wow, you look so well-rested today! Let me guess - 4,000 Calories of Turkey?

SB: You know it, Jim! Thanks for the recommendation!

TP: Hey look, it's 11 a.m. - time for me to start on tonight's dose!

SB: I'll join you!

(SFX: SOUND OF TWO HUMANS RAVENOUSLY FEASTING ON MORE TURKEY THAN HUMANS WERE EVER INTENDED TO EAT)

TR (ANNC): Ask your doctor if 4,000 Calories Of Turkey is right for you.

(OUT)