[SFX: Intro music. Cute little jingle, sung:]

CT: They come from the family Cucurbitaceae
(*pronounced CUE-curr-bih-TAH-see-eye)
They have a hard shell, unless they don't
You can eat 'em, you can play 'em,
you can use 'em as a water pitcher
ALL: Gourds gourds gourds gourds gourds gourds gourds!!

SB: Friends! Welcome to our fall episode of Gourdgeous Gourds--our favorite gourd season. I'm Stacey, and my spirit gourd is the spaghetti squash.

AW: And I'm single, and my patronus is a yellow zucchini.

SB: We are soooo obsessed with gourds! The coolest thing about gourds, besides EVERYTHING, is how varied they are! Gourds come in literally EVERY SINGLE shape and size and color.

AW: And they don't steal your boyfriend.

SB: ...Right. Um. So, today we're going to talk about seasonal tablescapes. Now, let's say you're having a dinner party...tonight! Oh no, you think! How do I impress and entertain my guests? All I have are these four butternut squashes and a bunch of felt! Friends, I hear you, and I present to you...
Tablescape One-- "The Changing of the Gourd." n(AW: It's not really funny).n Ok, see how I've dressed these butternuts in traditional British soldier outfits, with tall fuzzy hats that will make your guests go: "ooo, look at those tall, fuzzy hats!" Prep time is a mere six hours, or however long it takes you to make a gourd-sized traditional British soldier outfit. And note that most of these 'scapes rely heavily on googly eyes, so by all means go out to your local crafts store and go buckwild!

AW: Is that where he took you on your first date? To the crafts store?

SB: Hallie. Not now.

AW: That was our place. We had our first kiss in the aisle of styrofoam heads.n I feel like my heart has been gored.

SB: We just went to the movies.

AW: That was also our place!

SB: Moving on! Some quick hits... This powerful "Gourd of the Flies" tableau! Literary guests will marvel at the visual diorama of little pumpkin Piggy--

AW: Ugh, really?n Will they really?

SB: And here's another classic: "The Lion, The Witch and the Gourd-robe" -- four melons, googly-eyed with wonder, step through a hollowed-out dried giant pumpkin into a magical land called Narnia...but to us, it's a gourden of Eden. Hallie, want to show off the final tablescape? You said you'd do that one, so...

AW: Yeah, okay, it's "The Constant Gourdener." It's just...it's another gourd pun. I don't know.

SB: Well, tell us about the characters.

AW: It's like a...guy who...gourdens, um he gardens a lot. Look, I didn't read it or see the movie, okay? This is literally a physical representation of the cover of the DVD.

SB: ...Why would you do that?

AW: Because I was crying and gourding myself with ice cream.

SB: Gorging?

AW: Yes! How am I supposed to keep gourding?

SB: Going?

AW: Yes! I just...miss him!!

SB: Look. I'm really sorry. I didn't realize he meant that much to you, and I'm honestly only dating him because he has a cool name.

AW: Gordon and I were an ITEM.

SB: Okay! I gourd it!

AW: Get it?

SB: Okay! I will dry out our relationship and scoop out the seeds until it's hollow. I will squash it. I don't care about him, you're my best friend.n

AW: Really?

SB: Yeah. Hey, friend...want to stick some googly eyes on a pumpkin and call it a night?

AW: Friend...I would love nothing mourd.

SB: This has been Gourdgeous Gourds with Stacy--

AW: And her friend.

SB: Tune in this winter, when we'll tell the classic story of the most beautiful gourd in the world, AW &SB: Melon of Troy!

[EXIT MUSIC, AGAIN. SUNG:]

ALL: Gourds gourds gourds gourds gourds gourds gourds!!

(shouted)GOURDS!!!