(MUSIC: INTENSE, EXCITING ACTION)

SS (ANNC): Coming soon! On the next episode of "Border Patrol," we ride with the brave men and women of Angle Township in Lake of the Woods County, Minnesota -- the northernmost point in the contiguous United States!

TR: All right, Troopers! Stay sharp out there! It's cold and a storm's moving in!

TROOPERS: Aye, aye, Sarge!

SS: This tiny bump at the top of the map is wedged tightly between Manitoba on the west and Ontario on the east. And it's become the single most vulnerable spot in our nation for the crossing of (MUSIC STING)... Ice Backs!

(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING IN SNOW, OFFICERS SHOUTING: There's one! Border Patrol! Freeze!! Freeze!)

FN (OFF): I AM! I'm freezing! I'm freezing!

SS: Shouting "Freeze" is redundant up here where the landscape is miles upon miles of frozen lake, dotted with tiny fish houses.

(SFX FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW, WIND.) (SFX DOOR KNOCK)

TR: Anybody in here?

FN: Yaw. Come on in.

(SFX DOOR OPEN)

TR: Yea, hey Norvald. How's the ice fishing?

FN: Oh, yea, hey, well, can't complain. Want some schnapps?

TR: No. I'm on duty. You seen anything suspicious around here lately?

FN: Well ... yaw, y'know that fish house? Used to be over there? Ya, well now it's way over here.

TR: It's moving! Get 'em! Get 'em!

(SFX: SHOUTING, FOOTSTEPS SNOW)

SS: Stemming the flow of illegal Ice Backs into this country is a constant battle, but the brave officers of Angle Township are on the job!

TR: It's been a real problem with those gosh-awful Canadians trying to sneak their culture and excessive politeness into our country.

SS: Tune in next time when Sarge says:

TR: Hey, what happened to the wall we built last week?

FN: There was a heat wave, Sarge, it melted.

SS: Border Patrol. Because safety begins at home.