[OUTRO MUSIC, SONG ENDS]
BERTRAND FALSTAFF HEINE: If you've just tuned in that was "Save Me From My Projection of Myself," performed live (and loudly, I must say) by our Northern California friends in the band Mary, A Ship Won't Sink. My name is Bertrand Falstaff Heine, I'm the host, formerly, of "Fruits of the Vine," which of course focused exclusively on wine. I'm sitting in this morning for host Nick Daniels, as he is out, having dental surgery performed... upon his mouth.
Lady and gentlemen of the band, I thank you again for joining us here in the studio.
[Three polite voices, two male, one female] Thanks for having us, thank you.
Now, you're from the San Francisco area, is that right?
SB: Well, yeah, pretty much. We're all from different towns in the Bay Area. We're sort of... San Franciscish, as we like to say. [band members laugh]
BFH: Yes. There are some truly spectacular vineyards in Marin County. Have you had a chance to tour any of the wineries in that region?
Band: No... I'm afraid we don't really... we don't really get out that way.
BFH: Shame. What a shame. [Clears throat]
BFH: Watching your set, I was reminded of a summer's day, gazing out over a freshly cut lawn that's been sprinkled with talc. A perfect green blanket left out in the snow.
SB: Wow. That's...
BFH: [continuing] In the distant harbor, a container ship has been set alight, and the wind from the sea carries the acrid notes of burning plastic and faint cries of the panicked crew. Is this something you've heard before?
CT: We don't... I don't think so.
BFH: "As sincere as a backrub at a Malibu recovery meeting, it claws at the rear of the throat, leaving its mark on the fool's palate much as a hobo might chalk the gate of a gullible widow." Would you agree?
CT: We don't... I don't think so.
FN: I don't think that sounds like us. SB: No...we're not... what we...we're...
BFH: Now... Peter, is it? I notice you garnish your... vocalizations...with yelps and hiccups. Is this, to usenthat charming millennial euphemism, an "homage" to another performer, or does it arise from some sort of natural impediment?
CT: Well, I think that song in particular is...ahh, you know, kind of about staying positive, not giving up....
SB: We feel, like, the audience has placed themselves in our care for a little while. And it's like, our job, to make sure they, you know, have a good time.
BFH: Mm. [clearing throat] Tonight's show is the last of your East Coast tour. Has it been everything you hoped, or was it, like the 2014 Chene Bleu Rose, "a disastrous afterthought, wished by fools upon a cut-rate monkey's paw?"
CT: Well, I think we all wanted to, you know, see our fans again. It's all about them. That was the real motivation, I think.
BFH: I'm being informed we have time for another number. Perhaps our listeners would appreciate a second attempt.n
Band: Um, sure, I think we've got another... [consults others, mouth away from mic] Soup Factory? [back to the mic:] This one is called "The Day the Soup Factory Closed in Amarillo, Texas."
Band: [Soup Factory]
BFH: [interrupting] Wonderful! Wonderful, thank you! That is all. Thank you.
[Song awkwardly comes to an uneven halt]
CT: Well, we didn't really get to... finish...
SB: [overlapping CT]: There was more...
BFH: No need to go further. Our soup cup runneth over. One need not eat the whole egg to confirm its decline.
SB: We can another we can do instead if that's not--
BFH: No need. "Measure twice, cut once," goes the craftsman's motto. And like a coin ingested by a carelessly attended infant our time has passed. I wish to thank my guests, their various names unimportant, in the band "Mary, A Ship Won't Sink." Host Nick Daniels will be back tomorrow, God willing. Surely I am not alone in hoping his oral tribulations bring a speedy return to our embrace. This is Bertrand Falstaff Heine, raising a glass.