TR: Tonight's show is sponsored in part by Hinder. Hinder, the new dating app for a distractible generation. Those who like to move fast, but not that fast.

(SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE)

SB: Welcome to Hinder! An entirely new dating experience! Find romance, warm feelings, companionship!

(CT joins her, "reading off his phone")

SB / CT (together): "Find true love, with our soul mate algorithm..."

CT: Wow. Yes, I want those things!

SB: Who are our users? Only the creme de la creme. The best and the brightest.

CT: Well, let's give it a go!

(SFX: CLICK, TRUMPET FANFARE)

SB: Thank you for swiping right on Hinder! The only dating app that throws obstacles in your path, to truly test your commitment to finding love. How are you enjoying your dating experience, so far? Press frowny face, ambivalent face, or smiley face.

CT: Let's give that a smiley, for the trumpet.

(SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE)

SB: You're ready to start swiping! Find love, with Hinder!

SB (Ellen): Hi. I'm Ellen. I have a very pretty smile and dogs love me. I'm a teacher for students with special needs.

CT: Wow! They weren't kidding about the quality of their users. Swipe right!

(SFX: SWISH. DING!)

SB (App): You and Ellen are a match!

CT: Heyyy! First swipe!

SB: Would you like to send a frog noise to Ellen? Press nodding-yes face, or shaking-head-no face.

CT: Frog noise? ...I guess if that's the only option? Nodding yes.

(SFX: DING! TRUMPET FANFARE.) (SFX: FROG NOISES.)

SB: Ellen has sent you a frog noise back. Do you accept her frog noise? Press stern frog-face or flirty frog-face.

CT: Flirty frog-face.

(SFX: DING! CROAKING. SUDDEN ROCK MUSIC.)

SB: Would you like to buy this new song by King Turtle? Download it at Hinder Music slash dating dot biz.

CT: No thanks, I just want to meet Ellen.

(SFX: DING! SWOOSH.)

SB: Ellen is no longer single. Another user has chatted with her, while you only sent her a frog noise. Why did you send her a frog noise? That seems arbitrary.

CT: It was the only choice I was given...

(SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE.)

SB: Swipe through to meet some of our other top-notch singles!

CT: Um...okay.

SB (Veronica): Hi! I'm Veronica. I'm 26 years old with long, shiny hair and a great sense of humor. I'm a doctor AND a nurse.

CT: Wow, okay. Yes to Veronica.

(SFX: SWISH! DING!)

TR: WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOWER YOUR MORTGAGE AND INCREASE YOUR S.A.T. SCORE?

CT: What? No.... Why are there pop-up ads on here?

(SFX: DING! TRUMPET FANFARE.) (SFX: FROG NOISES)

SB (APP): You've received a frog noise from Martina!

CT: Who's Martina...?

FN (Older lady): Hi, I'm Martina. I'm 18 years old and definitely not lying about my age.

SB: Would you like to send a picture of an umbrella to Martina?

CT: No. I would not. I would like to use the chat feature, and chat with Veronica.

(SFX: DING! TRUMPET FANFARE)

SB: Welcome to Hinder chat!

SB (Veronica): "Hey."

CT: It's working!! "Hey, Veronica! Doctor and a nurse, huh?"

SB (Veronica): "Lol yes. And you're--" (SFX)

SB: You seem to be getting along with Veronica! Would you like to set up a date? Press nodding-yes face, or I'm-a-wussy-coward face.

CT: Yes!

(SFX: DING DING DING!! TRUMPET FANFARE)

SB: It's a date! Contacting your ex-girlfriend, Amy.

(SFX: PHONE NUMBER BEING DIALED)

CT: ...WHAT?? Wait, why are you contacting my ex?

SB: Veronica should probably talk with Amy before deciding whether you're a good prospect.

CT: Hinder, relationships are complicated, and I don't know whether she's going to get an unbiased--

(SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE)

SB: Your date with Veronica has been canceled! Veronica has also blocked your profile. Would you like to buy this new song by Ambient Hula?

(MUSIC, CASH REGISTER, TRUMPET FANFARE, FROG NOISES, ETC)

TR: Hinder! The new dating app for people who love clicking things, and will probably meet their soulmate at the laundromat.