SFX: PHONE RING, PICKUP. FN (MOM): Hello?

SB: Mom...we have some news. Get dad on the phone.

FN (MOM): Honey, it's Alice and that husband of hers. She says they have news for us.

TR (off mic): Oh, I like news. (ON mic) Hello?

CT: We think you're going to be very excited. We're very excited...

CT/SB: We're having a baby!!

FN (MOM) / TR: [excitement, elation] Finally! We'd nearly given up!

FN (MOM): And this is so exciting for us, dear! Personally! Because now we get to choose names!

SB: Well, actually, Chris and I have already thought about it. We're going to go with Sarah, if it's a girl, or Jack, if it's a boy--

TR: No, no, no. Not baby names. Grandparent names!

SB: I... I don't understand.

FN: Oh well, sweetie, you know how you had a Grandma and a Grandpa in Chicago, and a Grandma and Grandpa in Des Moines?

SB: Yeah...?

TR: Well, your mother and I were discussing it, and we think that's very confusing.

FN: Two sets of grandparents, called the same thing, who does that?

SB: Everybody?

CT: I didn't, actually. I had a Grandma and Grandpa in California, and also a Granny and Gramps. They were Southern.

SB: Oh! Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So maybe one Grandma, one Grandmother. One Grandpa, one grandfath--

FN: I want to be called Gum-Gum.

TR: And I want to be called Flip-Flop.

SB: ...No. That's...why?

FN: Well, I'm always chewing gum, so it's easy to remember--

SB: I have literally never seen you chewing gum.

FN: I can start chewing gum.

TR: And Flip-Flop just makes sense.

SB: No. No. Your grandchild will not be calling you Gum-Gum and Flip-Flop.

TR: We thought you might say that, so we have other options. We're not attached to any of these yet, but they're all very meaningful. Your mother googled this.

FN: I can be Nana.

SB: Better.

TR: And I can be Splish-Splash Cadillac.

SB: What??

CT: Nana is okay...

SB: Nana's fine. Dad, have you gone insane?

TR: I think it's very playful! Kids love cars. SB: We'll do Nana. Dad, you need a better one.

SB: No, dear, they go together. You can't just choose one.

TR: Yeah, they're a pair. Like peanut butter and jelly. Ooh--!

SB: No.

FN: Here, honey, how about this: from the Uzbek tradition, I can be Anya.

TR: And I can be Nagyapa.

SB: Uh-huh. Name the capital of Uzbekistan.

FN: Oh, so now I need to know anything about a country to appropriate its culture?

CT: You know, the more I think about it, two sets of Grandmas and Grandpas isn't that confusing, really. Or maybe we can just forego titles altogether, and the kid addresses everyone silently, with a polite nod.

FN: OR!! Geeber-Deeber and Bup-bup.

TR: Bubbles and Dabbadoo.

FN: Peaches and Guapo.

TR: Jabberwocky and Tim-Tam.

FN: Mammogram and Popcorn.

TR: Oh you know, I've always wanted to be called Phil. Philip is so formal.

SB: Dad, your name is Steven.

TR: I know, but I like Phil.

FN: Did you know, the Eskimos have 46 names for grandparents, and I can't pronounce any of them.

SB: Okay, enough! Please. Look, Chris and I will discuss this, and come up with some appropriate names that the baby can call you, that won't incur years of expensive therapy, and we'll get back to you with a few possibilities, okay Mom? Dad?

FN: Okay, sweetie, sounds good. Oh, one more thing. The more you say "Mom" and "Dad," the more sort of tragically mundane that sounds to us.

TR: Plebe city!

FN: So from now on, I'd like to be Mumsy.

TR: And I want to be Fuhgeddaboutit.

SB: And I want to be off the phone now. We'll call you guys when the baby is ten. Love you. [HANGUP].