SFX: PHONE RING, PICKUP. FN (MOM): Hello?
SB: Mom...we have some news. Get dad on the phone.
FN (MOM): Honey, it's Alice and that husband of hers. She says they have news for us.
TR (off mic): Oh, I like news. (ON mic) Hello?
CT: We think you're going to be very excited. We're very excited...
CT/SB: We're having a baby!!
FN (MOM) / TR: [excitement, elation] Finally! We'd nearly given up!
FN (MOM): And this is so exciting for us, dear! Personally! Because now we get to choose names!
SB: Well, actually, Chris and I have already thought about it. We're going to go with Sarah, if it's a girl, or Jack, if it's a boy--
TR: No, no, no. Not baby names. Grandparent names!
SB: I... I don't understand.
FN: Oh well, sweetie, you know how you had a Grandma and a Grandpa in Chicago, and a Grandma and Grandpa in Des Moines?
TR: Well, your mother and I were discussing it, and we think that's very confusing.
FN: Two sets of grandparents, called the same thing, who does that?
CT: I didn't, actually. I had a Grandma and Grandpa in California, and also a Granny and Gramps. They were Southern.
SB: Oh! Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So maybe one Grandma, one Grandmother. One Grandpa, one grandfath--
FN: I want to be called Gum-Gum.
TR: And I want to be called Flip-Flop.
SB: ...No. That's...why?
FN: Well, I'm always chewing gum, so it's easy to remember--
SB: I have literally never seen you chewing gum.
FN: I can start chewing gum.
TR: And Flip-Flop just makes sense.
SB: No. No. Your grandchild will not be calling you Gum-Gum and Flip-Flop.
TR: We thought you might say that, so we have other options. We're not attached to any of these yet, but they're all very meaningful. Your mother googled this.
FN: I can be Nana.
TR: And I can be Splish-Splash Cadillac.
CT: Nana is okay...
SB: Nana's fine. Dad, have you gone insane?
TR: I think it's very playful! Kids love cars. SB: We'll do Nana. Dad, you need a better one.
SB: No, dear, they go together. You can't just choose one.
TR: Yeah, they're a pair. Like peanut butter and jelly. Ooh--!
FN: Here, honey, how about this: from the Uzbek tradition, I can be Anya.
TR: And I can be Nagyapa.
SB: Uh-huh. Name the capital of Uzbekistan.
FN: Oh, so now I need to know anything about a country to appropriate its culture?
CT: You know, the more I think about it, two sets of Grandmas and Grandpas isn't that confusing, really. Or maybe we can just forego titles altogether, and the kid addresses everyone silently, with a polite nod.
FN: OR!! Geeber-Deeber and Bup-bup.
TR: Bubbles and Dabbadoo.
FN: Peaches and Guapo.
TR: Jabberwocky and Tim-Tam.
FN: Mammogram and Popcorn.
TR: Oh you know, I've always wanted to be called Phil. Philip is so formal.
SB: Dad, your name is Steven.
TR: I know, but I like Phil.
FN: Did you know, the Eskimos have 46 names for grandparents, and I can't pronounce any of them.
SB: Okay, enough! Please. Look, Chris and I will discuss this, and come up with some appropriate names that the baby can call you, that won't incur years of expensive therapy, and we'll get back to you with a few possibilities, okay Mom? Dad?
FN: Okay, sweetie, sounds good. Oh, one more thing. The more you say "Mom" and "Dad," the more sort of tragically mundane that sounds to us.
TR: Plebe city!
FN: So from now on, I'd like to be Mumsy.
TR: And I want to be Fuhgeddaboutit.
SB: And I want to be off the phone now. We'll call you guys when the baby is ten. Love you. [HANGUP].