(MUSIC)

CT: Our next guest is a legend among the legends in the world of wine. As a renowned columnist and failed podcaster, Mr. Heine's reviews were both beloved and feared in vineyards from Bordeaux to Bakersfield. While his extensive vocabulary no longer echoes in the pages of fancy wine journals, we are delighted to enlist his services as our very own staff critic, where this week his wit and eloquence give us the inside scoop on the highs and lows of this season's snow tires. We are honored to once again present... Bertrand Falstaff Hein.

TR: Heine

CT: Sorry, Heine.

TR: LANDSMAN Winterthrust Radials (SFX THROUGHOUT)

The nerve-dead fingers of a drunken old rummy retain a better grip than this discount rubber charade. As a scotch glass tumbles from the rummy's senseless fingers, the winter asphalt slides free of these slick, treadbare imposters. As cheap booze stains the pale shag carpeting, the snowdrifts are painted with crimson regret. Blame the Winterthrust Radials' harmless metal nubs, at a loss to do more than wearily massage the snowpack, making deceleration a final, ungranted dream. (CRASH)

CT: Uh...Those don't sound like a great choice. Are there any that you'd actually recommend?

TR: The KESTREL Arctic Treadmaster (SFX THROUGHOUT) Roll forward on these steel-belted miracles and feel God's love possess your drive train. His vulcanized Grace holds your car as lovingly as a prized replica clutched by a fourth-grade Hotwheels collector. Silent white rooster tails blossom from your wheel wells like the stinging, frozen rain heralding the arrival of a petulant ice skater. For perhaps the first time in their faithless lives, your family is truly protected, safely cradled far from death's icy reach as your chariot navigates the frosty paths toward Paradise.

CT: Ah, so beautiful. Thank you Mr. Bertrand Falstaff Hein. TR: Heine. CT: Yes. Heine. (MUSIC UP, OUT)n