A Prairie Home Companion Segment 33 for July 5, 2014
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TR (ANNC): Guy Noir, Private Eye, will not be heard tonight so that we may bring you this 40th anniversary broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion.

GK: It was the 4th of July weekend and I was on the 12th floor of the Acme Building when I got the word that I wouldn't be needed that week due to an anniversary party and something about it was fishy ---- I recognized the modus operandi of the insidious Larry B. Larry-----

FN: You work too hard, Mr. Noir. Why don't you take a weekend off and go fishing or something?

GK: And his enforcers the Bogus Brothers (TR & DR GRUNTING AND GROWLING). Two big beefy boys with trigger fists who were anxious to sock somebody in the jaw. (TR & DR THREATENING GRUNTS)

GK: And also Larry B. Larry's partner, Rico.

TR (RICO): We got a very nice deal we'd like to cut you in, Noir, if you're willing to cooperate. The word on the street is that Macalester College has got all these international type exchange kind of programs, what you might call, where they bring in, say, various individuals from Sicily or Morocco or Sicily, just to name another, and for Larry and me who are in the import business, this type of program offers beautiful opportunities, if you get my drift here, and we might be bringing over say, a hundred kilos of oregano or nutmeg, that Sicilian nutmeg that is a known stimulant of male vitality, if you get my drift.

FN: So we'd like you to go over to Macalester and find out where they keep the files so we can get our guys into those programs instead of guys who wouldn't make full use of them, if you get my drift.

GK: Your drift, Mr. Larry, is what I would characterize as hogwash and horse hockey and I am not about to participate in a scheme to use a fine college as a front for illegal activity.

FN: Listen. Him and me, we are in the business of creating loopholes and widening the loopholes that already exist.

GK: I don't even want to talk to you two.

TR (RICO): You ever think about retiring, Guy? You're at that age, you know. I know a guy has a fishing lodge up north with a porch and a rocking chair, try it, you might like it.

GK: The quest for truth and justice doesn't take time off, Rico, and by the way, I don't know if you realize this, but you got a revolver in your right hand.

TR (RICO): OH. Yeah. So I do.

GK: For some reason? It appears to be loaded. With bullets.

TR (RICO): Oh yeah. I forget why I'm holding it.

GK: Maybe you'd like to set the gun down then, Rico.

TR (RICO): Or maybe I'll remember why I got it out. It musta been something, otherwise why would I be holding it like this?

(GUNSHOT) Whoops. Sorry. My bad.

GK: Rico, you just put a hole in the wall about a foot east of me.

TR (RICO): Oh yeah.

GK: "My bad" doesn't really cover it, Rico. "My bad" is good for when you pass gas or spill soup on someone. It doesn't take care of shootings.

FN: Be that as it may, Mr. Noir, him and me are gonna find a way into the international type of program via that college, whether you help us out or not.

GK: And that was when I heard the Bogus Brothers come thundering down the hall and they came through the door (TR & DR: ONE! Two! Three! HEAVE---- (THEY LUNGE AND CRUNCH DOOR) and the door was unlocked so they fell hard (TR & DR BIG OOF) and got up slow (GROANS, BIRDS TWEETING) with their eyes spinning and took one look at each other (WHY YOU) and socked each other hard (KAPOW, OOFS) and knocked each other out. (THEY DROP) And I wrested the gun out of Rico's hand. (TR RICO: Hey) And it went off (GUNSHOT) and hit the chandelier (SFX) which dropped and konked both of them (SFX) and there I was with four perpetrators out cold on the floor. It was a lot of crimefighting in five minutes and I saved Macalester college from major embarrassment, in exchange for which I wouldn't mind having something named for me, maybe a Noir stairway, or a Noir alley. How about a Noir night. A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets?