A Prairie Home Companion Segment 5 for June 28, 2014
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SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Stockbridge Li vestock Auction House......poodles on

Tuesdays, Persian cats on Fridays.


GK: Beautiful day at Tanglewood, Dusty. Looks like a good crowd for the concert. And you and me ushering.

TR: Who's performing anyway?

GK: The violinist Ricky Pickford doing Rachmaninoff with the Rockettes.

TR: The dance line?

GK: People don't just come for the music anymore. You gotta have entertainment. The Rockettes dance and there's a rocknroll band doing the Pachelbel canon with real artillery.

TR: So what do they need us to usher for?

GK: Because Ricky Pickford's wife Pinky is going to come out and sing Edith Piaf.

TR: So?

GK: She's pitiful.

TR: And?

GK: They want us to check bags for tomatoes and rotten apples. (FOOTSTEPS)

FN: Excuse me. I'm Pete the stage manager. One more thing---- when you check bags, be sure you ask the patrons if they're carrying almonds. Almond Joys, almond milk, raw almonds. Miss Pickford has an almond allergy. Very serious. Somebody came to the concert last night and they had an Allman Brothers CD in their car in the parking lot and she had to take prednisone.

GK: Okay, we'll keep an eye out.

FN: Thanks. ---- Oh. There she is now. Coming out for her sound check.

SS: Pete------ where's my water? I need my water. Spring water from the Adirondacks, but no bubbles. The bubbles make me fart. Unbubbled water. Hear me?

FN: Yes, ma'am.

SS: And then get me a large leaf of lettuce. Just in case I inhale an almond, the lettuce will absorb the poisons.

FN: Can we do the sound check?

SS: Where's Ricky?

TR (HIGH, TIGHT): Right here, darling.

SS: Okay. "La vie en rose"-----



Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas

Je vois la vie en rose

Il me dit des mots d'amour

Des mots de tous les jours

Et ca m' fait quelque chose


GK: Quite a number, Dusty.

TR: Indeed. I think this might be the point in the show where we'd want to be watching for rotten apples and tomatoes.

GK: I think you may be right. Though they won't throw anything at those Rockettes. Beautiful young long-legged women---- I don't think so.

TR: I notice that Rockette down at the end is holding an outfielder's mitt.

GK: You're right. Wait here, Dusty. (FAST FOOTSTEPS)

---- Excuse me---- Miss-----

CD: You talking to me?

GK: Yeah. What's the mitt for?

CD: Were you at the show last night?

GK: Nope.

CD: There was a whole lot of incoming missiles. Fruit and vegetables----

GK: Well, there are a lot of vegetarians around here. ----

CD: Are you with the show?

GK: Yeah. We were brought in for security.

CD: I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.

GK: Indeed.

CD: You ever go up against a bunch of apple throwers before?

GK: I'm not worried. Go ahead----- throw that apple up in the air.

CD: This apple?

GK: Throw it up high in the air.

CD: Okay. (SHE THROWS, FLIGHT OF APPLE. GUNSHOT. SPLAT) Wow. That was some shooting. I was in "Annie, Get Your Gun" once. Years ago.

GK: I love that musical. You play Annie?

CD: Naw. I was in the chorus. I've always been in the chorus.


The girl that I marry will have to be

As soft and as pink as a nursery

The girl I call my own

Will wear satins and laces and smell of cologne.

CD: So you do know that musical.

GK: Not many musicals starring a woman who can shoot.

CD: Well, I'm not soft and pink as a nursery. I'm from Brooklyn. I wear denim and leather and smell of tomato sauce.

GK: So you've been in the chorus a long time---

CD: Yeah. Waiting for my big chance. Which is never going to come. So I'm thinking I'll pack it in this year. There's an opening teaching third grade in Bensonhurst. I may as well take it.

GK: Well, I'm sure you'd be a terrific teacher.

CD: Yeah. Maybe. Anyway----

GK: Nice talking to you.

CD: Yeah. Good luck tonight. (BRIDGE)

TR: So what's her name?

GK: I didn't get her name.

TR: You didn't ask her name??

GK: I was too dazzled by her beauty. She's a dancer and she wants to be a singer. I wish there were something I could do.


SS: Where is my energy bar? Someone was supposed to get me an energy bar. Where is it? I need it now. The show starts in fifteen minutes. Who has my energy bar?

GK: I have it, Miss Pickford.

SS: Who are you?

GK: I'm on security. They asked me to guard your energy bar.

SS: This doesn't look like---- does this have nuts in it?

GK: Nuts? What about nuts??

SS: (CHEWING) It tastes like it has nuts in it. Are you sure?

GK: It's only got almonds in it. Organic almonds.

SS: (GASPING) All----monds???

GK: Sustainable locally-grown almonds from the co-op.

SS (GASPING): Almnds?? (WHISPER) Where is my lettuce? My lettuce---- (STING, BRIDGE)

FN: People, we have a major crisis. Pinky Pickford has been taken to the emergency room with almond poisoning ---- (GASPS)

TR (HIGH, TIGHT): Thank God.

FN: What'd you say, Ricky?

TR (HIGH, TIGHT): I said, dear God, what are we going to do now? I need a big vocal number while I change from my gypsy troubadour outfit into my Aaron Copland hoedown costume.

GK: She can do it. The dark-haired girl in the sailor suit. The one with the outfielder's mitt.


GK: And of course she was. The crowd sat there through the Pachelbel canon (CANNON) and the gypsy troubadour number and then the band struck up and the spotlight hit her and-----


Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

It's my show, it's my show

I'm the girl they want to adore.

I don't care

What they're going to say

I'll sing my song

And I'm going to blow this crowd away!


GK: The audience went wild and afterward I went backstage and there were big-time producers there -----

(FN: Hi. I'm Bob Berney, from Picturehouse, I got a picture I want to put you in, it's called "Oklahoma," what

do you say?) and finally I caught her eye-----

CD: Oh hi. Did you catch the show?

GK: I did. You were fabulous.

CD: Thanks. Hey, I want you to meet my fiancee. Francisco.

TR (ITALIAN): Hey. Buon giorno, baby. You with the show?

CD: Yeah, he's security.

GK: Right. I'm security. You going to the party tonight?

TR (ITALIAN): Yeah. Me and her, we're going to the party.

GK: See you there. Ciao. (THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.... brought to you by Stockbridge Livestock Auction House......