A Prairie Home Companion Segment 3 for June 21, 2014
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SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: I was in Chicago to work on a top-secret case for a highly-placed person in Washington whom I am not free to name.

TR (OBAMA): Mr. Noir, I've got to decide where to put my presidential library and I have an offer from Columbia in New York and from Honolulu but I'd really like it to be in Chicago but I don't want it to be upstairs from a pizza joint and a bar. You know what I'm saying?

GK: I do.

TR (OBAMA: I got an offer from Chicago from a fellow by the name of Johnny Guzik. Ever hear of him?

GK: Around here, he's known as The Big Tuna. He's nobody you want raising money for you, sir.

TR (OBAMA): He says he's raised ten million so far.

GK: There is reason to doubt this, sir. Mr. Guzik got his start by standing at stoplights and washing windshields

with a squeegee and charging twenty bucks for it. Not a nice man.

TR (OBAMA): Well, find out what he's up to and let me know.

GK: I will. How do I get in touch with you?

TR (OBAMA): Just pick up any phone and talk into it. I'll be there. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: Johnny Guzik was getting his money these days from parking meters. Every time you dropped a quarter in a meter in Chicago, Johnny got a dime. I found him in a club called The Kit Kat Klub in a very bad neighborhood in Cicero. It's a place where men from good neighborhoods go to see things they wouldn't want in their neighborhood for fear people they know would see them. At the moment, however, the joint was empty except for me and the Tuna and his girlfriend Chanterelle and his bodyguard, a mouth breather called Cootie.

TR (RICO): I'm glad you come to see me and my associates, Mr. Noir, and whatever kind of job you need done you will see that we can get that done for you and if discretion is required then discretion is assured. We are here to build relationships with anybody you want to have a relationship with. Okay? And if you got trouble, we step in and take care of it, no questions asked.

FN: That's right.

GK: Okay, but this is very hush-hush, Johnny, this involves somebody in the highest circle of government in


TR (RICO): I understand that.

GK: So I'm not sure if---- you know-----

TR (RICO): Cootie and Chanterelle? They're absolutely to be trusted. Chanterelle is my baby. She knows what I'm thinking even before I do. Right, baby?

SS: That's right, Johnny.

TR (RICO): And Cootie is my main man, my muscle, my mouthpiece.

FN: Right.

TR (RICO): You're looking for real estate, right? We know where all the latest vacancies are. Properties that weren't for sale last week but accidents do happen, people disappear, and when it happens, we're the first to know about it because we were there when it happened. Right?

FN: That's right.

SS: Yeah.

GK: Okay, but I'm looking for about a hundred acres, minimum. And along the lakeshore.

TR (RICO): That would be no problem. I can get you that in a heartbeat. And in some cases, in the absence of a heartbeat.

FN: Right.

GK: But I don't want any pizza parlor or gas station nearby----

TR (RICO): Oh come on! What's in it for me, then? How about a gas station that also serves pizza?

FN: Right.

GK: I'll think about it. (BRIDGE)

GK: So, sir, here's the deal----- are you there?

TR (OBAMA): I'm right here.

GK: I can get you a whole stretch of prime lakeshore in Winnetka for your library, sir.

TR (OBAMA): But what about all those big mansions up there?

GK: All the big mansions with the big Romney signs in the front yards two years ago?

TR (OBAMA): Well, yeah, those mansions.

GK: We've found a treaty with the Pottawatomi tribe from 1817 that clearly grants the property to the white men for 200 years. It's a 200-year lease.

TR (OBAMA): Interesting. Eighteen-seventeen, huh? What do the Pottawatomi want in exchange for the


GK: South Dakota.

TR (OBAMA): I see. That's all they want --- South Dakota?

GK: I think so. And they'd give us two reservations ---- one for Catholics in Pierre, one for Lutherans in Sioux


TR (OBAMA): I guess I don't see a problem here.

GK: Well, some people feel that if you give in to them, they'll just ask for more.

TR (OBAMA): Ask for what? North Dakota?

GK: Exactly.

TR (OBAMA): I think we have to be prepared to accept change. I think South Dakota might work.

GK: What about North Dakota? Do we tell them North Dakota is off the table?

TR (OBAMA): You can't take North Dakota off the table, North Dakota is a table. But we can cross North Dakota when we come to it.

GK: Okay.

TR (OBAMA): So we can get a hundred acres of lakeshore?

GK: Three, four hundred. Five hundred. A thousand. Whatever you want.

TR (OBAMA): Thank you.

GK: You're welcome. You looking forward to retirement, sir?

TR (OBAMA): Not going to retire. I'm gonna campaign for Hillary and when she's elected, I'm gonna wait for the first vacancy on the Supreme Court.

GK: You think you'd like that?

TR (OBAMA): Lifetime tenure. No campaigning. No press conferences. Never have to deal with John Boehner. I think I could get to like it. (THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to

life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.