A Prairie Home Companion Segment 18 for June 21, 2014
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.....after a word from the Fearmonger's Shop. (HOWL)

GK: You have a child and of course it's a happy thing, a beautiful thing, but it's also a shocking event. (BABY

CRY) ---- what do you do? The child cries like a banshee. You try singing to him ----- JR: HUSH LITTLE BABY

DON'T YOU CRY---- (BABY 2ND GEAR SOBBING) ---- and it only makes things worse ---- so you get out a bottle or other milk-bearing object and shove it into his mouth (BABY 3RD GEAR SOBBING) ----- and now you wish your mother were around so she could take charge. So much to worry about. What if a giant hawk were to carry your child away? (WING FLAPS, CHILD CRY: Help! Daddy! )---

JR: No! NO!!!! Come back!!!!


An evil cat ---- (SFX) is it true that they can suck the breath out of a baby? (EVIL MEOW) Probably not but you'd hate to be the first one it happened to.

JR: Beat it! (CAT MROWW)

GK: And what about gypsies (FN GYPSY SINGING W FIDDLE) and what about vampires (FN: Vat a byootiful

child? I luff this child) and dwarves (FN: My name is Shalima and I have been sent to help you.) and what about evil babysitters ----- (FN TEEN: Don't worry about a thing? I love babies. I love them. EVIL TEEN LAUGH) ---

JR: I used to believe in the goodness of people. I wanted to bring up my child to be trusting, brave, adventurous, not as a boy in a bubble. And yet I am absolutely paranoid every minute of every day. What can I do?

GK: A child security system from the Fearmonger's Shop may be the answer. A small leather skullcap with an

antenna and electrodes on the chest and wrist to measure cardiovascular and respiratory functions and a rectal

thermometer ---- that's all there is to it ---- and it works even thousands of miles away, thanks to satellite

transmission ---- (FN ROBOT VOICE: He is sleeping. Temperature normal. Bladder empty. Brain waves even.) ---- and you're kept informed of everything that transpires (FN ROBOT: He is walking toward the busy street. He is stopping and waiting for the green light. Temperature good. Bladder is half-full.) and whenever there is an emergency ---- (FN ROBOT: A large black bird is circling in the sky overhead.) you are alerted with a siren.

JR (VALKYRIE CRIES): Hojotoho! Hojotoho! Heiaha! Heiaha!"

GK: The Fearmongers Shop, serving all your phobia needs since 1947.