A Prairie Home Companion Segment 15 for June 14, 2014
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FN (CHILD): Dr. Frankenstein?

TR (FRANKENSTEIN): Yes, my son.

FN (CHILD): Who is my father? Where did he come from? Why is he

so weird?

TR (FRANKENSTEIN): Well, my son, it happened in my laboratory.

A great experiment ---- to see if I could create life from body parts!


FN (IGOR): Yes, master!

TR: Attach the wires to the creature's head!

FN (IGOR): Yes, master!


TR: And now I will throw the switch (SHORTING)---- and again!

(SHORTING).....Igor, he moves! (ELECTRIC SHORTING) He

moves! I have done it! I---- Dr. Frankenstein have created a living


SHORTING) He lives! I have made him! (GK MONSTER GRUNTS) --

- A living man!

GK: Dad---

TR: He speaks to me.

GK: Dad---- did you hear about the father who had six kids and then he

ran away and left his wife and

she had six more kids. Because he kept coming back to

apologize.Then he went and got a vasectomy so he

wouldn't get grandchildren. Then he joined a nudist colony. It was

winter and the sign said, We are open but we are clothed.

TR (GASPS IN HORROR): Oh no! I have created a comedian! How

did that happen??

GK: How many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

TR: Go away.

GK: Eighteen: One to do it, and seventeen to be in on the guest list.


want you! Leave me! (MUSIC BRIDGE)

GK: Rejected by my creator, I went on a rampage through the village.

(CRASHING, CRIES OF PANIC) ----So there were two bankers

shipwrecked on a desert island and they had no money but in one year

they made millions of dollars selling their hats to each other. ----So

Lena told Ole that he should do something sexy to attract her so he

went out to the barn and put his arm around his John Deere.

(VILLAGERS: Stop. Please. No more.) So the Catholic nun went to the

doctor and he told her she was pregnant which she was not but it sure

cured her hiccups.



GK: He told jokes because his

heart was broken, and at last, abandoned, cold, hungry (FOOTSTEPS)

he came to a small hut, where an old blind man sat playing his violin.


Knock, knock

FN (OLD MAN): Who's there?

GK: Wendy.

FN: Wendy who?

GK: Wendy wind blows de cradle will rock.


FN (OLD MAN): Welcome, my friend. I'm glad you came. Would you

like something to drink?

GK: Drink.

FN (OLD MAN): Here is a glass of wine.

GK: Wine. So Jesus walks into a bar and says, "Give me a wine glass

and fill it with water."

FN (OLD MAN): Would you like anything else to drink?

GK: So the bartender made a Manhattan and he put a leaf of parsley in

the middle. That was Central Park.

FN (OLD MAN): And here, my friend. A plate of food. Eat.

GK: Food. How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger? -

FN: How many?

GK: -One if nobody's looking. Have you heard of the no-deodorant

diet? ---You don't lose any weight, but from a distance, your friends

think you look thinner.

Monster here to cheer up blind man.

FN (OLD MAN): Oh good. I was wondering. Finally---- one more

thing ----- hideous man made from body parts ----- Woman.

GK: Woman.

FN (OLD MAN): Woman good.

SS: You better believe it. You know something, I really like those

big seams on your face. But those leather pants and shirt soaked

with blood and gore ---- that look is so over ----- plus which,

they're all stained with blood and gore ---- And that big club with

the nail sticking out------ what is that about? (MONSTER


GK: But I am ugly.

SS: Naw. Doesn't matter. Men are all alike. They just have different

faces so we can tell them apart. You know what God said after He

created man? --- He said, I can do better than this. ----No, listen----

there was a woman's brain cell that got trapped inside a man's head.

She looked around and saw that the whole head was empty. She called,

"Hello, is anyone there? Hello?" And she heard voices from far away,

"We're down here..." ----No, really---- don't get me wrong----- Men

are smart, up to a point. They can multitask---- I mean, they read on

the toilet. You want to know how many men it takes to change a

lightbulb ? ----- None. Men don't change lightbulbs; they think they can

turn them on just by rubbing up against them.

GK: Did you know there are female hormones in beer?

SS: No.

GK: When you drink beer, you argue about nothing, you start to cry

and you can't drive a car.

SS: I don't get it. What's the joke?

TR: And so my monster married the beautiful woman and that's where

you come from, son.

FN (CHILD): Thank you, Dr. Frankenstein.

TR: And their marriage was, of course, a joke but he got a job in public

radio where his hideous face didn't matter and one day he went to the

station during the pledge drive and he pulled out a gun and he stole

two-hundred thousand dollars worth of membership pledges. But that

is a whole other story. (BAND PLAYOFF)