SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It's a beautiful spring up north and I was frankly
getting tired of the complaining on my voice mail every
TR (ON PHONE): Yeah, I don't eat seafood, okay? SO
why do people invite me over for dinner and serve seafood?
Huh? I don't get it. (BEEP)
SS (ON PHONE): Can you do something about my
husband? He keeps saying "him and me" when he should
say "he and I" - it makes me want to scream. (BEEP)
FN (PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's Dr. Wilkspivtz the
orthodontist on the eighth floor --- Someone in the building
is spraying room freshener and it's making my sinuses
crazy. (BEEP) (BRIDGE)
GK: People and their problems, even in the midst of
splendor, that's why I headed for Arizona and the Grand
Canyon. I'd been there once and the grandeur of it made
me extremely happy for almost a week. I'm older now so I
figured maybe it'd work for a day, a day and a half. I flew
out there on McCain Airlines.
SS (P.A.): (BING BONG) My name is Sarah Palin, I will
be your flight attendant today, or stewardess as some of us
gals like to say. I will be going around offering seat belts
for an additional charge and to all our Second Amendment
friends who are carrying weapons, we say, please do not
aim toward the front of the plane. I do have a shotgun up
here and I know how to use it.
TR (P.A.): (BING BONG) This is John McCain, your pilot
up in the cockpit. Thanks for flying McCain Airlines ----
the maverick airline. Our destination today is either
Flagstaff or its Phoenix, we'll let you know when we get
closer. There are no flotation devices on this plane ---- I
mean, it's Arizona, where you going to float. Enjoy the
flight! That's an order.
GK: We landed in Flagstaff and I took a train to the South
Rim of the Canyon (STEAM ENGINE, WHISTLE) and I
walked along the Rim looking out at geology, the colors,
the eons of time, the sheer vastness of it (BIRD, AWAY) --
-- surrounded by tourists who were as awestruck as I. (TR
JAPANESE AWE) Short people with big cameras and a
man in a kilt who was testing the acoustics of the Canyon
(BAGPIPE PHRASE, THEN ECHO. PHRASE, THEN
ECHO). A lot going on on the South Rim. A little too much
FN (HAWKER): Hey, looky here, over here. I got it, you
want it, this musical necktie, you pull on it and it plays
"Cool Water" ---- listen (MUSIC BOX, "Cool water") and
for you, I'm gonna knock two bucks off the
GK: So I rented myself a horse and I headed down the trail
into the Canyon (SLOW CLIP CLOPS, CONTINUOUS...),
a very dramatic trail, with the rock wall two feet away on
your right, and to your left, a sheer drop of---- I'd say, two
or three thousand feet. Maybe four. Not sure. The horse
seemed to be nervous too. (WHINNY) He was trembling
and snorting and perspiring heavily.I could tell he was
scared. (HORSE DEFECATION. SOFT PLOPS)
FN (HORSE): Hey. Sorry about that. I got a real fear of
GK: That's okay. You want to turn around and go back?
FN (HORSE): No room to turn around.
GK: So I got off him and that seemed to help (FN HORSE:
Thanks. Big load off my back. WHINNY) and I continued
on down the trail (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) and it was
beautiful, the vast space of the canyon out there (DISTANT
BIRD) and very peaceful and still except for the occasional
sightseeing helicopter (SFX) and the ring of my cellphone
(SFX)----Yeah. Noir here.
TR (ON PHONE): Hey, it's Al. Would you be available to
come over and help me find my glasses? I set 'em down
somewhere here in this Costco store.
GK: I'm at the Grand Canyon, mister, looking at eternity.
Time and space and relativity and the meaning of life on
earth. It's all here.
TR (PAUSE): Are you all right?
GK: Never better. (BRIDGE) I got down to the canyon
floor and headed for the Indian Garden campground to get
a drink of water when I heard a voice-----
FN (REVERB, OFF): Hey. You in the shorts.
GK: Who's that?
FN (REVERB, OFF): Over here.
GK: Where? (FOOTSTEPS)
FN (REVERB): In the cave.
GK: And I looked up and there he was just inside a cave
on a rocky slope about fifteen feet above my head, a man in
a white robe, with a long beard, sitting cross-legged in the
FN (REVERB): Approach my Serene Presence with
caution, for what I have is the truth and truth is fire.
GK: What is this truth, Serene Presence?
FN (REVERB): Very well. (CLEARS THROAT) What is
is that which is and it is now and always has been. You are
in it and it is in you. We are all united in this great What Is.
And there is aloe in it.
GK: How long did it take you to come up with that?
FN: Time means nothing to me. (PAUSE) Eight years.
You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette on you, would
GK: I don't.
FN (REVERB): Are you sure?
GK: I didn't know that mystics smoked.
FN (REVERB): I've been here for eight years meditating
and I realize that what is blocking my spiritual pilgrimage
is that I really really really need a smoke.
GK: Well, I don't have one. What about aloe instead?
FN (REVERB): Could you ask around and see if someone
else has a smoke?
GK: I'll do my best. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
(BRIDGE) I came on a man who was smoking a smoke but
it was down to a nubbin and he was busy with a long
bungee cord he'd attached to a rock on the canyon wall----
You got a smoke, sir?
TR: Nope but I'm going up to the South Rim, I'll stop and
pick you up a pack.
GK: When you going?
TR: I'll be there in about 45 seconds.
GK: With this?
TR: This is my Canyon Express Elevator.
GK: Does it work?
TR: Only one way to find out.
GK: What if it doesn't?
TR: If it doesn't, I won't know it until the last two or three
seconds. And if it does work, I'm on Easy Street. I'll
charge ten bucks a lift. More for fat people.
GK: You don't think you should test it with, maybe, a sack
TR: I got the press waiting on the Rim for me to come
flying up. I don't think a sack of potatoes would impress
GK: Well, it's your life. I hope you know what you're
TR: People laughed at Edison. And Steven Jobs.
GK: They also laughed at the man who tied weather
balloons to his lawn chair and went a mile up in the air.
TR: Let em laugh. I'm on my way to the bank.
GK: So - what are you planning to say when you fly up
there and land on the Rim and the TV cameras are running?
TR: "It is a far far better thing I've done than I have ever
seen." ---- No. Not that. "One short flight for a man, and
one------". Well, I guess not. "Advance confidently in the
direction of your dreams....." Let me think about that.....
GK: While he was pondering the line that would
immortalize him, a dog had walked up and sat down in the
chair the bungee cord was tied to (WOOF) and he wagged
his tail and accidentally hit the release lever
(BWANGGGG BUNGEE W FAST FADING DOG
HOWL) .....and he flew toward the South Rim and
appeared to land safely. Which he did, because a few
minutes later he was back with a pack of Pall Malls in his
mouth. I had to wrestle them away from him. (DOG
GROWLING, STRUGGLING, GK STRUGGLING) And
finally I got them. He looked so broken-hearted about it
(DOG WHINE) that I pulled out a smoke and lit it for him
(SFX) and put it between his lips and he took a drag. (DOG
FN (DOG): Boy, that is what I call a smoke.
GK: How was the ride?
FN (DOG): I don't recommend it. (BRIDGE)
GK: I took the cigarettes up to the cave and the wise man
was gone and in his place a woman in a red bikini was
lying on a blanket in the sunshine. ----Hi! Where's his
SS: Went into the cave to change.
GK: Change into what?
SS: Change into a suit and tie and take me to the dance up
at the Lodge.
GK: I thought he was looking for the meaning of life.
SS: Hey, I'm right here. Who're you? (BRIDGE)
GK: Good question. I hiked up to the Rim and took the
train back to Flagstaff (STEAM WHISTLE) and took
McCain Airlines back home.
TR: (McCAIN) We're heading for the Twin Cities,
whichever two seem viable for a landing - maybe
Minneapolis/St. Paul, maybe something else - play it by
(JET TAKE OFF)
GK: Then he descended and here I am, none wiser but still
in one piece and there's something to be said for that.
SS: One man is still trying to find the answers to life's
persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.