(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)
SS (ON PHONE): Duane?
SS: Is that you? This isn't the answering machine, is it?
GK: It's me, mom.
SS: Oh good. Listen, I don't want to take a lot of your time, but
I'm giving some stuff away to Goodwill, and I'm wondering if
you want any of it. (A BEAT) Duane? Are you there?
GK: So you're back from New York and your weekend with
what's his name----
SS: Oh honey, now why would you bring that up?
Mistakes were made and we're moving forward.
GK: "Mistakes were made??" Mom-
SS: Let's not dwell on the past- he's an old friend, and that's
all, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
GK: How's Dad?
SS: Same as always. Anyway, I found this red cardigan with a
cat on it, a foot massager, a zip-up fleece robe with a hood, a
book of photographs of circus freaks, and a juicer. Brand new.
So. Last chance.
GK: Mom, those are gifts I gave to you.
GK: Those are the gifts I gave you for the past seven Mothers'
SS: No, Duane. No no no.
GK: They are, mom. I sent you that juicer two weeks ago.
SS: Well honey we already have a blender, why do we need it?
I mean we do not "juice," Duane. We're not a juicing people.
We're old. To us, getting juiced means something else.
GK: If you didn't like my gifts, mom, I would have returned
them for something else.
SS: Well honey I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
GK: Well, do whatever you want----
SS: (SHAKY) Duane. Did you really think that I wanted to look
at pictures of circus freaks? Midgets and tattooed ladies?
GK: You're changing the subject.
SS: You don't know who we are, Duane. And that hurts. It's
always about you you you.
GK: Is dad there?
SS: Of course he's here, Duane. He's been standing right here
the whole time.
GK: Can you put him on the phone, please?
SS: Standing here like a strong tree.
GK: Just put him on please.
SS: (OFF) He wants to talk to you. (TR MURMURING)
Because I'm a terrible person, so here, just take the phone and
make him happy because lord knows that I can't. (SOBS, OFF)
TR (ON PHONE): Hello.
GK: Hi dad.
TR: How's it goin'?
GK: Well I donno.
TR: Yeah. Me neither.
GK: Things okay with you and mom?
TR: Oh sure.
GK: You worked through it, whatever it was?
TR: Oh yeah. (A BEAT)
TR: She thinks it was a reaction to aspirin.
TR: Yeah, she read something about it online.
GK: Okay. What do you think?
TR: I think tomorrow is a new day.
TR: Although so was today, at some point. So.
GK: Good point.
TR: I'll give you back to your mother.
GK: You don't have to.
TR: Here she is.
GK: That's okay, I think we've talked about everything we were
SS (OFF): Give it to me, Hank, just give it to me. (ON) Duane?
Are you still there?
GK (SIGH): I'm here, mom.
SS: Honey, I gave it some thought and here's what I think we
GK: Just dump it, mom, if you don't want it, dump it.
SS: No no-
GK: And I'll never buy you gifts again. I can assure you of that.
SS: Now you're getting all dramatic and there's no need.
GK: Don't tell me how to feel.
SS: Oh, you want to talk about feeling? How about your big
cantaloupe of a head squeezing its way out of my-
GK: Stop. Just stop.
SS: I almost died. I'm still dying.
GK: Yeah I get that.
SS: I did not almost tear myself in half just so you could insult
me for decades with gifts that invalidate me as a human being.
GK: I told you to throw the stuff away, mom. I don't care.
SS: I know you don't, Duane. You don't care that I almost died
bringing your big head into this world.
GK: I have a body, too.
SS: You can keep the gifts, Duane. (CRACK) You keep them
forever. You can juice lemons and nap in your Snoodie and I
will donate myself to Goodwill. 3.99 for a used mom in the kind
of condition you might expect.
SS: If 3.99 is too much for you I'll go lower. 79 cents, Duane.
I'm here on the rack. 79 cents for a used mom. (SOBS)
GK: Why don't you just keep the stuff?
SS: I don't want it. We hate juice.
GK: Just try it.
SS: I don't like new things, Duane.
GK: Just keep it for six months. If you still don't want it, then
I'll take it to Goodwill for you. Okay?
GK: Okay mom.
SS: Bye honey, love you.
GK: Love you, mom.