A Prairie Home Companion Segment 14 for May 24, 2014
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0:00 | 00:06:06



GK: Hello?

SS (ON PHONE): Duane?

GK: Mom?

SS: Is that you? This isn't the answering machine, is it?

GK: It's me, mom.

SS: Oh good. Listen, I don't want to take a lot of your time, but

I'm giving some stuff away to Goodwill, and I'm wondering if

you want any of it. (A BEAT) Duane? Are you there?

GK: So you're back from New York and your weekend with

what's his name----

SS: Oh honey, now why would you bring that up?

Mistakes were made and we're moving forward.

GK: "Mistakes were made??" Mom-

SS: Let's not dwell on the past- he's an old friend, and that's

all, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

GK: How's Dad?

SS: Same as always. Anyway, I found this red cardigan with a

cat on it, a foot massager, a zip-up fleece robe with a hood, a

book of photographs of circus freaks, and a juicer. Brand new.

So. Last chance.


GK: Mom, those are gifts I gave to you.

SS: What?

GK: Those are the gifts I gave you for the past seven Mothers'


SS: No, Duane. No no no.

GK: They are, mom. I sent you that juicer two weeks ago.

SS: Well honey we already have a blender, why do we need it?

I mean we do not "juice," Duane. We're not a juicing people.

We're old. To us, getting juiced means something else.

GK: If you didn't like my gifts, mom, I would have returned

them for something else.

SS: Well honey I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

GK: Well, do whatever you want----

SS: (SHAKY) Duane. Did you really think that I wanted to look

at pictures of circus freaks? Midgets and tattooed ladies?

GK: You're changing the subject.

SS: You don't know who we are, Duane. And that hurts. It's

always about you you you.

GK: Is dad there?

SS: Of course he's here, Duane. He's been standing right here

the whole time.

GK: Can you put him on the phone, please?

SS: Standing here like a strong tree.

GK: Just put him on please.

SS: (OFF) He wants to talk to you. (TR MURMURING)

Because I'm a terrible person, so here, just take the phone and

make him happy because lord knows that I can't. (SOBS, OFF)


TR (ON PHONE): Hello.

GK: Hi dad.

TR: How's it goin'?

GK: Well I donno.

TR: Yeah. Me neither.

GK: Things okay with you and mom?

TR: Oh sure.

GK: You worked through it, whatever it was?

TR: Oh yeah. (A BEAT)

GK: Okay.

TR: She thinks it was a reaction to aspirin.

GK: Oh?

TR: Yeah, she read something about it online.

GK: Okay. What do you think?


TR: I think tomorrow is a new day.

GK: Right.

TR: Although so was today, at some point. So.

GK: Good point.

TR: I'll give you back to your mother.

GK: You don't have to.

TR: Here she is.

GK: That's okay, I think we've talked about everything we were

going to-

SS (OFF): Give it to me, Hank, just give it to me. (ON) Duane?

Are you still there?

GK (SIGH): I'm here, mom.

SS: Honey, I gave it some thought and here's what I think we

should do.

GK: Just dump it, mom, if you don't want it, dump it.

SS: No no-

GK: And I'll never buy you gifts again. I can assure you of that.

SS: Now you're getting all dramatic and there's no need.

GK: Don't tell me how to feel.

SS: Oh, you want to talk about feeling? How about your big

cantaloupe of a head squeezing its way out of my-

GK: Stop. Just stop.

SS: I almost died. I'm still dying.

GK: Yeah I get that.

SS: I did not almost tear myself in half just so you could insult

me for decades with gifts that invalidate me as a human being.

GK: I told you to throw the stuff away, mom. I don't care.

SS: I know you don't, Duane. You don't care that I almost died

bringing your big head into this world.

GK: I have a body, too.

SS: You can keep the gifts, Duane. (CRACK) You keep them

forever. You can juice lemons and nap in your Snoodie and I

will donate myself to Goodwill. 3.99 for a used mom in the kind

of condition you might expect.

GK: Mom.

SS: If 3.99 is too much for you I'll go lower. 79 cents, Duane.

I'm here on the rack. 79 cents for a used mom. (SOBS)

GK: Mom.

SS: What.

GK: Why don't you just keep the stuff?

SS: I don't want it. We hate juice.

GK: Just try it.

SS: I don't like new things, Duane.

GK: Just keep it for six months. If you still don't want it, then

I'll take it to Goodwill for you. Okay?


SS: Okay.

GK: Okay mom.

SS: Bye honey, love you.

GK: Love you, mom.