GK: It's the end of the school year and all over America, young
people are facing up to the harsh fact that learning is hard work,
it doesn't come about through osmosis. You've spent the school
year keeping up on your favorite TV shows (SFX) and playing
games (PING PONG) and now the day of reckoning has arrived.
Your final exam in Western Civilization. Your mind is a sieve.
You remember nothing. It's hopeless.
HM/GK: Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
If I Have Failed to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord I
Will Not Flunk.
If I Should Die
Before I Wake,
That's One less Test
I'll Have to Take.
GK: Your family is all excited. Your aunts and uncles are
coming from far away. They're buying gifts. There's a
graduation party scheduled. There's just one problem.
FN: You're not graduating, Lindsey.
SS: Oh no. (WEEPY) Why not?
FN: You never turned in your senior paper on Moby Dick.
SS: But I did. I emailed it to you last week.
FN: You emailed me a lot of pictures of you and your boyfriend
at a party doing keg stands.
SS: I did? Oh no. I thought I erased those pictures. I must have
erased the paper instead. I'm sorry.
FN: Can you tell me what the paper was about?
SS: This is the story about the whale, right? The guy who goes
after the whale because he bit his leg off. Right?
HM/GK: Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term.
Ignorance is spreading
Like a new contagious germ.
I may have to look for work
With a sanitation firm.
The truth shall soon be known.
Failure, failure, degradation.
I've failed at higher education
The truth shall soon be known.
FN: May I ask a question, please?
SS: What is it, Brad?
FN: Do I still have to pay tuition even though I flunked and will
not receive my degree?
SS: Brad, look at me.
SS: Brad, if you burn down your house, do you still have to pay
off your home loan? Or can you get arson insurance?
FN: Let me think about that.
SS: You do that.
GK/HM: Now it's time for self-assessment
Of our aptitude
We had hoped for a profession
But we may work with food.
Now we wish we'd studied harder
Raised our GPA
Would you like ketchup on your burger
Would you like fries today?
: Class of 2014, as you leave these hallowed halls
and go out into the world to make a difference....to put into
effect the ideals and aspirations you have learned here at
GK: All of your friends in their blue gowns are at
commencement, but not you, sir. You're over on the other side
of town, with a backpack. (TRAIN WHISTLE, OFF)
DR: This is your westbound freight train. Is that the one you
TR: I guess so. Will it stop?
DR: No, it just slows down, so you have to run alongside and
look in the boxcar and make sure nobody else is in it and then
toss your bedroll up and your cardboard and grab hold of the
door handle and swing your legs up and in you go.
TR: Is there wifi? There's not, is there?
DR: No. And cellphone coverage is poor out in the mountains.
TR: Okay. Thanks for the whiskey.
DR: Good luck. Off you go. Oh, one more thing, when you take
a leak, don't do it out the door when the train is going fast.
TR: Why not?
DR: Did you ever study physics?
TR: No, I majored in creative writing.
DR: Oh. Well, in that case, go ahead.
(WHISTLE PASSING, CLICKETY CLACK)
HM/GK: We are two stray cats on a westbound freight
Because we flunked out of Iowa State
Don't know how
A hundred grand in student debt
Cannot Google or surf the Net
Wonder what kind of jobs we'll get