A Prairie Home Companion Segment 3 for May 17, 2014
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0:00 | 00:08:28



TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its

secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to

life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was starting to feel like summer in St. Paul, and then

suddenly it was feeling like fall, and I had to dig around in

the closet for my sweater and windbreaker, and then by

pure chance, the phone rang and it was a man from Georgia.

TR (SOUTHERN): This is Congressman Birdwhistle from

Washington, Mr. Noir. I have an opponent in the primary,

another Republican by the name of Buford Burford who

accuses me of being part of the Washington establishment,

and he is running a mean lowdown campaign. I am about to

get my fanny kicked. I need your help. (BRIDGE)

GK: I could see a cold front moving in from the west and

suddenly the idea of going to Georgia seemed attractive,

and so I got myself a seat on a no-frills airline,

Chattahoochie Air, non-stop to Atlanta.


SS: Hello, I'm Wanda, I will be your flight attendant today.

That smell you smell is nothing to worry about, it's just the

smoker in the back where we're fixing a hundred pounds of

ribs, which we'll be serving soon. Speaking of smoking, the

federal government has outlawed smoking on airplanes, but

I did not so go ahead if you want to. Back in the exit row

you will see two prize-winning Chester White hogs and

they belong to our pilot Chuck Chatsworth, so hands off.


FN: How-deee, this is Chuck your pilot up here in the

cockpit with my first officer Checkers ---- say hello,

Checkers (DOG WOOFS) ---- Checkers is the smartest copilot

I ever had and when I come back there to check on the

barbecue, Checkers has got things under control, don't you

worry about it. Okay. Let'r go! (HE WHOOPS, ENGINE


GK: I got down to Georgia and checked into the Mom's

Motel in Cracker Corner and there on the screen was a

commercial for Buford Burford. (ORGAN MARCH


FN: It's been 24 years that that wishy-washy moderate

peckerwood Arnold Birdwhistle has been living it up in

Washington, D.C. and hanging out with you know who.

Look at this, people. (TR OBAMA: Thank you

good friend....Congressman Birdwhistle of Georgia.) Make

your blood boil? I should say. This fall elect a real

Republican, me. TR (ANNC: Buford Burford for Congress.

A man who means what he says.) (BRIDGE)

GK: I found Congressman Birdwhistle at a cafe just down

the street.

TR (SOUTHERN): I used to eat at a nice place in Atlanta

but now he's attacking me for being soft so I got to eat

greasy ribs and french fries. Hate the stuff.

GK: So he's running this commercial of you with the


TR (SOUTHERN): He's got worse than that, Mr. Noir. I

was a member of a madrigal group in Washington and he's

got video of it. And he's got a video of me ordering

escargot in French. That's gonna kill me in my district.


GK: And sure enough, a week later came another vicious


FN: Is Arnold Birdwhistle a Republican? --- he calls hisself

a Republican ---- but is this what you call a Republican? I

don't. (LUTE, TR SINGS IN FALSETTO: Where the bee

sucks, there suck I. In a cowslip I do lie. Fa la la la la la. Fa

la la lalala. DANCING W TAMBOURINE) ---- I may not

fa la la but I enforce the law. Always have, always will..

TR ANNC: Why not elect an American --- Buford Burford

for Congress. (ORGAN)

GK: I talked to Mrs. Berniece Birdwhistle on the phone.

She was vacationing in Bermuda.

SS (CHIC, ON PHONE): I loathe elections, Mr. Noir. I

have to put on dumpy clothes and drink that awful

sweetened ice tea. I begged him to retire but he wouldn't.

GK: You don't sound like you're from Georgia, Mrs.


SS (CHIC): I've had voice lessons, that's why. And I'm


GK: Okay. If I may be very blunt, ma'am, your voice may

be a liability.

SS (CHIC): A Georgia congressman's wife never opens her

mouth, she just smiles and makes her eyes twinkle. He's

got to rip into the President and mention Benghazi and the

horrors of health insurance, otherwise he's going to have to

find a job. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I checked into Mr. Burford's past, and talked to a

couple of waitresses, and dragged a $20 bill through a

trailer park, and I found that he had led an interesting life


FN (LADY): I dated Buford for a time, not knowing he was

already married to two women, and he used to beg me to

hit him with a rolled-up newspaper and make him beg for a

biscuit. And I found him once up in a tree howling.

GK: Did he have hair growing on his face and the palms of

his hands?

FN (LADY): Why, yes, he did, as a matter of fact.


GK: The Constitution does not prevent werewolves from

running for Congress but the success rate of werewolves

who've tried is rather slim. When you must go around

shaking hands, having hair growth on your palms is a

liability few candidates have ever overcome. Zombies have

been successful and a few vampires, but werewolves

almost never.

GK: Congressman----

TR: Yes, sir?

GK: You'r e going to beat this man. We'll just schedule the

first televised debate for a night with a full moon. You'll be



GK: And meanwhile I snuck around to Mr. Burford's office

and found the video of the Congressman ordering escargots


tossed it into the Chattahoochee River (SPLASH) and

I headed back to Minnesota where the forecast was for

gradual warming and that was good enough for me.



FN: This is Chuck Chatsworth up here in the cockpit with

my co-pilot (WOOFS) and our flight up to Minnesota will

take us about three hours since we've got fifty passengers

aboard who just ate a big meal of barbecue and beans so we

got us a good tailwind. Yessir! (PLANE REV AND TAKE


GK: I sat next to a woman named Lou Ann who'd never

been to Minnesota before and was going to visit a new


SS: Is the snow melted up there yet?

GK: Depends on what you mean by melted.

SS: Will I see snow on the ground?

GK: No more than a couple inches, I'm sure.

SS: A couple inches!!!

GK: A couple inches isn't anything.

SS: We had a couple inches in Atlanta once and we about

went crazy with fear.

GK: Well, in Minnesota we don't even notice it until

there's a couple feet.

SS: Lord of Mercy!!!!!!

GK: He certainly is.


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its

secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to

life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.