(PHONE RING 3X)
SS: Duane, it's your mother, darling. I called to say Cheers
and ask how the novel is coming along? Are you all right? ----
GK: Mom, where are you?
SS: What does it matter? I'm happy. (SHE SINGS) "Wish me
well, as you wave me goodbye. Cheerio, not a tear or a sigh."
GK: Mom---- I hear water lapping on a shore.
SS: Duane darling, three-fourths of the earth's surface is
GK: Mom, when did you start called me "Darling"?
SS: Oh, sweetheart.
GK: And where did the "Cheers" come from? Cheers?
Mother, where are you?
SS: Can't say precisely, chicken.
GK: Are you ok? Mom?
SS: Duane, I didn't call to talk about myself, darling ---- how
are you? Are you tip-top? Feeling chipper? You sound a little
GK: Mother, are you hanging out with Brits or something?
SS: I'm in international waters on the Duke of Bedfordshire's
yacht off the coast of Dubai, if you must know, darling. Have
you ever been to Dubai? I love their decor. They go so wild
with patterns. They are unafraid to mix stripes and florals and
anything whatsoever. Pastels, silver lame, rhinestones,
GK: Are you safe right now? Mother-----?
SS: I couldn't be safer!!! There are all these beautiful darkskinned
men holding AK-47s and we're roasting lamb and
goat on deck ---- have you ever eaten goat, darling? It's dark
and very chewy.
GK: Mom, could you not call me darling?
SS: Why not?
GK: Just don't.
SS: (OFF) Fatush, just put that over there dear man. Aren't
those pretty! Love the hair cut by the way! (ON) Can you
believe the Duke sent me flowers? Gor blimey, that is bloody
GK: Mom, you're from the Midwest, as am I. Please. Have
you talked to Dad? Is he okay?
SS: He's fine. I froze months worth of lasagne for him. Oh,
Francois is here.
(TR OFF - FRENCH MUMBLING)
GK: Who is he?
SS: (OFF) The scarlet, please. And do another top coat.
Merci. (ON) He's my manicurist. He's doing my star chart,
too. (OFF) This is Duane, my son! Yes, the unpublished
novelist. (TR FRENCH MUMBLE) Of course!
TR: (FRENCH) 'Allo?
GK: Hi, Francois. Listen this is her son in America and I am
armed and if you lay a hand on her, I will be over there and
fill you full of holes and feed you to the sharks, you got that?
Can I please talk to my mother again?
SS: (OFF) what? Oh, he can be that way. (ON) Duane? Could
you be a little nicer to the help, please?
GK: Mom, I was looking forward to Easter dinner with you
SS: No guilt, Duane. Do not guilt me. I have earned this. I
suffered for it. I paid for this Prosecco, and the sunsets, the
yacht, the thousand-dollar caviar, the gold bikini ---- I paid for
it in a hospital fifty years ago ---- forty-two hours of labor,
GK: You always said twenty-four.
SS: I was wrong. Forty-two. An entire work week. With two
hours of overtime. I remember every single minute of it. I told
them I wanted to do it the natural way. Oh, was I mistaken. If
I had it to do over again, I'd be taking drugs by the fistful.
Opium, heroin, whatever. (SOBS) No, I paid for this, and now
I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. I've decided that after
decades of serving the whims of others, I am going to be
spontaneous now. All plans have been postponed indefinitely.
(TR FRENCH NUZZLING) Oh, Francois. (SHE LAUGHS)
(TR FRENCH ENDEARMENTS) Oh you are crazy. Crazy,
GK: Mom, are you sure you should be doing this in public?
SS: We're on a boat out at sea, darling. In more ways than
one. Oh, don't get me wrong. I love your father. But with
Francois I discover that I love to be touched. I need to be
touched. (LOVEY DOVEY, TR FRENCH) He is so physical.
He expresses so much with his body.
GK: Well, that's nice you're happy there, Mom, and I guess
that means you don't get to meet Prudence.
SS: Duane!! What!!?! Is this a new character in your novel?
GK: Nope. She's my girlfriend. But it's ok, Mom. You can
SS: Does she have tattoos, Duane? Tell the truth.
GK: None that you can see when she's fully dressed.
SS: How old is she?
GK: She is not a minor, Mom.
SS: Well, tell me about her.
GK: She's very nice. Very sensible. Very interested in settling
SS: What does that mean? Is she obese?
GK: She's just fine.
SS: Is she from some religious group that is, shall we say,
outside the mainstream?
GK: It depends on how you feel about evangelical
SS: WHAT????? How did you meet her???
GK: She was preaching on a street corner and we started
talking and she wound up coming over to my place.
SS: And she's a fundamentalist? She believes in the Rapture
and all that?
GK: She does now.
SS: But those people are so judgmental!!!
GK: She just needed to meet someone who needed her. The
only men she'd known before were other fundamentalists.
She'd never been with a real sinner before.
SS: How can you do this to me????
GK: I'm changing my whole novel around, Mom. It's not a
romantic comedy set in the Eighties. It's a prophetic novel
and it's set in the future and there are earthquakes and
firestorms and a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth.
SS: You are going to marry a Bible-believing woman,
probably in a shapeless dress and her hair tied up in a bun,
who doesn't dance or drink or smoke or play cards or go to
GK: Not only that, but her Aunt Elizabeth has become very
close to Dad and she's helping him clean out his basement
SS: That's it. TURN THE BOAT AROUND!!!! (TR
FRENCH, OFF) Turn it around. I am going back.
GK: It's okay, Mom. Everything's okay.
SS: I will take planes, trains and rubber dinghies if necessary.
Tell your father I'm on my way. The party is over. And tell
Prudence to back off and no hanky-panky. You hear? (OFF)
What a lovely handkerchief, Francois. Thank you. (BLOWS
NOSE) Duane. I'm getting on the Concorde. Do they still
have one? I'm coming for you.
GK: Mom. Don't put yourself out.
SS: I have no choice, Duane. The life of a mother is a neverending
GK: Ok, Mom. Well, see you for Easter dinner then?
SS: Oh, you betcha.
GK: Love you, Mom.
SS: Love you. (OFF) Full speed ahead boys!
(SFX HANG UP)