A Prairie Home Companion Segment 28 for April 12, 2014
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GK: Hello?

SS: Duane, it's your mother, darling. I called to say Cheers

and ask how the novel is coming along? Are you all right? ----

Hello? Duane???

GK: Mom, where are you?

SS: What does it matter? I'm happy. (SHE SINGS) "Wish me

well, as you wave me goodbye. Cheerio, not a tear or a sigh."

GK: Mom---- I hear water lapping on a shore.

SS: Duane darling, three-fourths of the earth's surface is


GK: Mom, when did you start called me "Darling"?

SS: Oh, sweetheart.

GK: And where did the "Cheers" come from? Cheers?

Mother, where are you?

SS: Can't say precisely, chicken.

GK: Are you ok? Mom?

SS: Duane, I didn't call to talk about myself, darling ---- how

are you? Are you tip-top? Feeling chipper? You sound a little


GK: Mother, are you hanging out with Brits or something?


SS: I'm in international waters on the Duke of Bedfordshire's

yacht off the coast of Dubai, if you must know, darling. Have

you ever been to Dubai? I love their decor. They go so wild

with patterns. They are unafraid to mix stripes and florals and

anything whatsoever. Pastels, silver lame, rhinestones,


GK: Are you safe right now? Mother-----?

SS: I couldn't be safer!!! There are all these beautiful darkskinned

men holding AK-47s and we're roasting lamb and

goat on deck ---- have you ever eaten goat, darling? It's dark

and very chewy.

GK: Mom, could you not call me darling?

SS: Why not?

GK: Just don't.

SS: (OFF) Fatush, just put that over there dear man. Aren't

those pretty! Love the hair cut by the way! (ON) Can you

believe the Duke sent me flowers? Gor blimey, that is bloody


GK: Mom, you're from the Midwest, as am I. Please. Have

you talked to Dad? Is he okay?

SS: He's fine. I froze months worth of lasagne for him. Oh,

Francois is here.


GK: Who is he?

SS: (OFF) The scarlet, please. And do another top coat.

Merci. (ON) He's my manicurist. He's doing my star chart,

too. (OFF) This is Duane, my son! Yes, the unpublished

novelist. (TR FRENCH MUMBLE) Of course!

TR: (FRENCH) 'Allo?

GK: Hi, Francois. Listen this is her son in America and I am

armed and if you lay a hand on her, I will be over there and

fill you full of holes and feed you to the sharks, you got that?

Can I please talk to my mother again?

SS: (OFF) what? Oh, he can be that way. (ON) Duane? Could

you be a little nicer to the help, please?

GK: Mom, I was looking forward to Easter dinner with you

and Dad.

SS: No guilt, Duane. Do not guilt me. I have earned this. I

suffered for it. I paid for this Prosecco, and the sunsets, the

yacht, the thousand-dollar caviar, the gold bikini ---- I paid for

it in a hospital fifty years ago ---- forty-two hours of labor,

Duane. Forty-two.

GK: You always said twenty-four.

SS: I was wrong. Forty-two. An entire work week. With two

hours of overtime. I remember every single minute of it. I told

them I wanted to do it the natural way. Oh, was I mistaken. If

I had it to do over again, I'd be taking drugs by the fistful.

Opium, heroin, whatever. (SOBS) No, I paid for this, and now

I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. I've decided that after

decades of serving the whims of others, I am going to be

spontaneous now. All plans have been postponed indefinitely.


(TR FRENCH ENDEARMENTS) Oh you are crazy. Crazy,

crazy, crazy.

GK: Mom, are you sure you should be doing this in public?

SS: We're on a boat out at sea, darling. In more ways than

one. Oh, don't get me wrong. I love your father. But with

Francois I discover that I love to be touched. I need to be

touched. (LOVEY DOVEY, TR FRENCH) He is so physical.

He expresses so much with his body.

GK: Well, that's nice you're happy there, Mom, and I guess

that means you don't get to meet Prudence.

SS: Duane!! What!!?! Is this a new character in your novel?

GK: Nope. She's my girlfriend. But it's ok, Mom. You can


SS: Does she have tattoos, Duane? Tell the truth.

GK: None that you can see when she's fully dressed.

SS: How old is she?

GK: She is not a minor, Mom.

SS: Well, tell me about her.

GK: She's very nice. Very sensible. Very interested in settling


SS: What does that mean? Is she obese?

GK: She's just fine.

SS: Is she from some religious group that is, shall we say,

outside the mainstream?

GK: It depends on how you feel about evangelical

fundamentalists, Mom.

SS: WHAT????? How did you meet her???

GK: She was preaching on a street corner and we started

talking and she wound up coming over to my place.

SS: And she's a fundamentalist? She believes in the Rapture

and all that?

GK: She does now.

SS: But those people are so judgmental!!!

GK: She just needed to meet someone who needed her. The

only men she'd known before were other fundamentalists.

She'd never been with a real sinner before.

SS: How can you do this to me????

GK: I'm changing my whole novel around, Mom. It's not a

romantic comedy set in the Eighties. It's a prophetic novel

and it's set in the future and there are earthquakes and

firestorms and a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth.

SS: You are going to marry a Bible-believing woman,

probably in a shapeless dress and her hair tied up in a bun,

who doesn't dance or drink or smoke or play cards or go to


GK: Not only that, but her Aunt Elizabeth has become very

close to Dad and she's helping him clean out his basement



FRENCH, OFF) Turn it around. I am going back.

GK: It's okay, Mom. Everything's okay.

SS: I will take planes, trains and rubber dinghies if necessary.

Tell your father I'm on my way. The party is over. And tell

Prudence to back off and no hanky-panky. You hear? (OFF)

What a lovely handkerchief, Francois. Thank you. (BLOWS

NOSE) Duane. I'm getting on the Concorde. Do they still

have one? I'm coming for you.

GK: Mom. Don't put yourself out.

SS: I have no choice, Duane. The life of a mother is a neverending


GK: Ok, Mom. Well, see you for Easter dinner then?

SS: Oh, you betcha.

GK: Love you, Mom.

SS: Love you. (OFF) Full speed ahead boys!