TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its

secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to

life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.


GK: It was March in Minnesota and we were in the grip of

winter and not one of those hobby winters the rest of

America gets but a hardcore winter with claws and teeth.

Elsewhere in the civilized world, it was spring, or almost

spring, and crocuses blooming and birds singing and vive

l'amour, and all you had to do was check out YouTube

videos and you could see ---- in South Carolina there was

NASCAR racing already (SFX) and in Vermont there was

morris dancing on the village green (BELLS, PRANCING,

FN SINGS: Leaping lightly in the air, People stare but I

don't care, Came to Rutland from New York, so I am free

to be a dork. Fa la la la la la, fa la la lla la l ala.) and in

California people were surfing (SURF, TR SURFER

SOUNDS) and hang-gliding (SFX) and meditating (FN

(LADY): Wow. Here am I and there's the

sky....clouds....the sun up there.....or am I up there and are

they down here....what is "up"? Nobody knows. And it's

raining now. But I don't want to go in. What is "in"?) ----

down in the Mississippi Delta, the blues singers weren't

blue anymore----SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 2 of 10


I woke up this morning, I was not dissatisfied.

I woke up this morning, I was not dissatisfied.

I ate a big breakfast and it was sunny outside.

I been all around the block.)

GK: In Minnesota, however, it was survival time. The

snowblowers were out (SFX) and there were wolves in the

suburbs (SFX) and the TV weatherman was under terrible

stress (FN DEPRESSED: And the high today--- I hate to

say this---- the high today-----(CHOKES UP) I can't say it-

--- I can't do weather anymore. (HE SOBS) Take the map

away. Take it away) ---- and there was tragedy everywhere

you looked ----- people slipping on ice and falling (TR

LOUD CRY, MAN SLIPPING) ---- people in their

twenties ---- (TR FALL, BONE CRUNCH) breaking their

hips ---- and suddenly (TR GEEZER) they were 85 (FN:

Easy, old timer. Gonna lift you up and get you into the

ambulance, Pops. TR GEEZER: I'm only 27. FN: We'll put

him in the Memory Unit, Al.)

I was doing fine, thanks to my staying indoors, but two

floors above me in the Acme Building was a new tenant, a

family therapist named Eunice, and she was a real stone in

my shoe.

FN (LADY): How are you, Mr. Noir---

GK: I'm fine. Leave me alone.

FN (LADY): You're under a lot of stress, aren't you. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 3 of 10

GK: No. Beat it.

FN (LADY): Just reaching out, Mr. Noir.

GK: Well, just stop.

FN (LADY): If you need to talk, you know where I am.

GK: Yes, you're standing in my doorway. I wish you


FN (LADY): I can accept your hostility, Mr. Noir, because

I am a trained social worker and I know it is a symptom of


GK: I'm going to close the door now, Eunice.

FN (LADY): Depression is anger, Mr. Noir.

GK: Go talk to yourself.

FN (LADY): Just remember ---- no matter what---- I'm

here. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 4 of 10

GK: That's what I'm afraid of. (DOOR SLAM, BRIDGE) I

love winter because it wipes out a lot of nonsense and

touchy-feely stuff and keeps you focused on basics. Food.


FIRE) Forget the nonessentials, get back to basics. Like the

woman who came to see me the other day. (KNOCKS ON

DOOR) You're not Gerald, are you?


GK: Good---- let me unlock the door. (UNLOCKS FIVE


SS: Guy Noir?

GK: Right. Come on in. (FOOTSTEPS) Sorry about the

locks, but there are a lot of berserk people out there, many

of them in the caring professions. ..So (CREAK OF

CHAIR) what can I do for you?

SS: My name is Madeleine. Madeleine McFadden. From

the law firm of Batten, Martin, Bastian, Masters, and

Hansen in Manhattan.

GK: And what sort of law does Batten, Martin, Bastian,

Masters, and Hansen do in Manhattan?

SS: We're lobbyists for foreign countries. Malawi,

Malaysia, Swaziland, Somalia, Mali, Malta, Mozambique,

Mauritius, Namibia, and Djibouti. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 5 of 10

GK: Djibouti----

SS: Little country between Eritrea and Ethiopia. You've

heard of it. (SHE SINGS, "Shiboopi") DJIBOUTI,





GK: Okay. So where do I come in?

SS: It's like this, Mr. Noir. Mr. Batten --- Marshall Batten--

GK; The Batten of Batten, Martin, Bastian, Masters, and


SS: Exactly. His son Adam is a classical pianist and

ecstatic agnostic on Madison Avenue in midtown


GK: A classical pianist on Madison----

SS: Right. Sonatas, toccatas, partitas, impromptus,

fantasias, mazurkas, tangos, rondos, and blues.

GK: Adam Batten the pianist who does sonatas, toccatas,

partitas, fantasias, etcetera, also plays blues??SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 6 of 10

SS: On a cruise ship. On the Lido deck of the MS Mahatma

sailing from Sumatra to Alameda, California through the

Adriatic, past Bermuda, Granada, Eldorado, the Mississippi

Delta, and Popocatepetl.

GK: Is he from Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin by any


SS: How did you know?

GK: Just a hunch. Anyway, how could a classical pianist

afford to take a transatlantic trip on a fancy ship like the

MS Mahatma?

SS: Adam Batten had a sugar mama, Madame Anita

Andromeda, who sang Aida at the St. Petersburg Theater

along with Rise Stevens, Cecilia Bartoli, Placido Domingo,

and Dmitri Hvorostovski, an Aida that critics called

"dimwitted,embittered, spasmodic, sclerotic, sybaritic, and

unmelodic" but anyway Adam Batten in a tuxedo with a

Buddha tattooed on his you-know-where made Anita's

libido go staccato vibrato pizzicato appassionato and she

dumped her bipolar speedskater fiancee Slater from

Decatur and she and Adam Batten took the Mahatma from

Sumatra to Alameda and every day after Anita's siesta he

brought a Pina Colada and a margarita to her studio, one for

her and one for her pet cheetah Jevetta.

GK: A cheetah. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 7 of 10

SS: A cheetah to keep away the cicadas.

GK: Cicadas?

SS: Canadian cicadas. Anyway, Anita Andromeda was a

grammatical fanatic, or should I say grammar maniac, and

one day she corrected Adam's grammatical error ---- a

sentence without antecedents --- and he felt degraded and

he shredded her beloved Don DeLillo novella Hollow

Llamas Yo Mama Sells Marshmallows ----

GK: He shredded it-----

SS: Her daddy was Don DeLillo's editor and Adam

shredded his sugar mama's novella and served it in a

spaghetti avocado salad and moved to Minnesota and

bought a stiletto and became a desperado and launched a

vendetta against sopranos.

GK: And what can I do to help?

SS: Tell me where he went.

GK: The classical pianist turned desperado Adam Batten

engaged in a vendetta with his stiletto?

SS: Yes.

GK: He's in Wayzata. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 8 of 10

SS: Wayzata.

GK: Lake Minnetonka.

SS: An ecstatic agnostic pianist from Manhattan's Madison

Avenue with a Buddhist tattoo and a passport stamped

Sumatra, Bermuda, Yoruba, Judea, Sambuca, Granada,

Guatemala, Canada, and Popocatepetl winds up in


GK: Wayzata.

SS: Thanks.

GK: That's all you wanted?

SS: Well, actually----

GK: What is it?

SS: I've been drinking gallons of coffee all morning and

I'm wondering if, you know---- if there's a----- hmm hmm

hmm hmmm.

GK: You want to know if there's a hmm hmmm hmmm


SS: Yes. Is there?SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 9 of 10

GK: Yes, of course. Down the hall and around the corner.

You can't miss it. Says Women right on the door.


GK: That's winter. It brings us down to basics. She thought

she had to have some big story but really she just needed to

pee. (KNOCKS) Yeah, the door's unlocked. (DOOR


FN (LADY): Hi, how are you?

GK: I was fine until just now.

FN (LADY): I've been concerned about you. I think you

need help.

GK: Well, go be concerned someplace else.

FN (LADY): It's hard being a guy sometimes, isn't it, Guy?

GK: Tell me about it.

FN (LADY): You're a private eye but really what you're

looking for is yourself. Isn't that right?

GK: Oh, give me a break.

FN (LADY): You're in pain and you need healing so you

can find closure. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM

Page 10 of 10

GK: You want to see closure? Huh? (SLAM DOOR)

That's closure. It's March, Minnesota. It's warming up.

Spring is on the way. If not in April, then May. And the

sound of spring will be heard on the lawns of the North.

(LAWNMOWER). And out on the lake. (LOON CALL)

The music of love. (LOON CALL) (THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its

secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, a

light burns in the office of Guy Noir, Private Eye ---