GK: ....back right after this message.

SS: Four more days till her birthday and still no gift for

your wife. Steve--- what's the problem?

TR: I was thinking about perfume.

SS: You bought her perfume last year. She used it once

and never again.

TR: Maybe some makeup.

SS: Steve, do not ---- I repeat, do NOT ---- ever buy

makeup for a woman. Nine times out of ten you are

going to be tragically wrong. She'll take one look and

think, "Why does he imagine that I'm a cocktail waitress

in a strip club?"

TR: A phone? Some sort of electronic thing?

SS: Who's going to set it up for her? Remember last

time? All those little screws and wires on the kitchen


TR: A gift certificate?SAT 3/8/14 9:28 PM

Page 2 of 3

SS: Steve, that's what you'd give your mailman. Not

your wife. A gift certificate says, I don't know you and

so it's pointless to shop for you.

TR: Maybe a nice box of stationery?

SS: She still has the stationery you gave her five years


TR: Maybe clothing of some sort?

SS: Steve, clothing --- you are begging for trouble.

Because your wife, face it, is a Large. But if you buy her

anything in a Large ---- well, just don't. You NEVER

buy a woman anything Large. But if you buy a Medium

or Small, it just makes her feel Large. So no.

TR: So what can I get her? I'm desperate. I need help.

SS: The best thing you can possibly give her, Steve ---- is


TR: Diamonds? I was sort of thinking of a copper skillet.

SS: Steve, no jury will convict a woman for anything she

does after getting a skillet for a present. What you want

is a diamond. A genuine diamond. And if it's in a Large

size, even better. SAT 3/8/14 9:28 PM

Page 3 of 3

FN: Yes, you can't go wrong with diamonds. Emeralds

and rubies, opals, or sapphires, all fine too, but a

diamond is a guaranteed hit, 100% bingo ba boom. This

is Sam Diamond, president of Friendship Diamonds.

Open until midnight, give us a call, we deliver.


Don't give a blouse or a skillet or makeup,

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Or you may lose the house when she chooses to break


So buy her a stone

Or be all alone, holding the phone.

She's your girl for all the world

But you must be willing to spend

For a real love affair it's about seven carats

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.