(FAIRY TALE THEME)
GK: Once upon a time in Washington, at the Food & Drug Administration (TRUMPET FANFARE)
FN (WITH ECHOES): We ---- hereby ---- declare-----that transfats----- are forbidden----because---- they cause heart disease. No more transfats! (ORDER REPEATED)
GK: And so the edict was handed down, and the word went out to the peasantry. No more microwave popcorn. No more fast-food French fries.
TR (COCKNEY): What? No more French fries???!!!!
SS (COCKNEY): But I love me microwave popcorn. And me French fries.
FN (COCKNEY): How can they say fries are illegal?
SS (COCKNEY): Right. What do they know?? Huh??
TR (COCKNEY): Awwwwwwwwwwww.
(NEWS BULLETIN BEEPS)
TR: (NEWSCASTER) In Congress, 45 members of the Trans-Fat Party have managed to shut down the federal government and say they will not raise the debt ceiling unless President Obama overrules the FDA ban-----
GK: And so a battle ensues (SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE, HAND TO HAND COMBAT), the great Trans-Fat war between the forces of liberty ---
SS (COCKNEY): I wants me pizza and if you don't like it then you'll have to take it outta me cold stiff fingers---- (CRIES OF ASSENT) ---
GK: And the food police----
TR (HIGH BRIT): Just look at the statistics. Use your common sense. We're doing this for your own good. (SPLATS OF ROTTEN TOMATOES) (STRUGGLE)
GK: And gradually the food police gained the upper hand, as more and more of the Trans Fat people fell---- (TR CHOKES, FALLS, GROANING)
SS (COCKNEY): Georgie? What's wrong, luv? Get up.
FN: He'll be okay. It's only a heart attack. (BRIDGE)
GK: And then one day a startling announcement----
TR (NEWSCASTER): McDonald's revealed today that, as of one year ago, all of its products have been made 100% of lentils and kale.
FN (CEO): Our research lab has found a way to create reliable transfat taste entirely with legumes and green leafy vegetables.
GK: And the golden arches turn to green. And the peasants come to accept this.
SS (COCKNEY, MOUTH FULL): Well, it sure tastes like greasy old hamburgers to me. Super-size me lentils.
GK: Except for roving bands of food outlaws working the outskirts of cities.
TR (LOW GROWL): Hey. Looking for trans? Got trans here. Get your trans.
GK: But on the whole science is triumphant.
TR (HIGH BRIT): Thanks to our transfat ban, average life expectancy has risen by 18 months in the past two years. (MUTED CHEERING)
GK: So people can now expect an additional year and a half of life.
SS (OLD LADY): Oh boy. Quite a deal. Another year and a half I get to sit here in the Home and play Scrabble. Can't remember the simplest words anymore so the game takes all day, but anyway it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
GK: And then comes the inevitable news....
TR: A government study released today shows that a diet of lentils leads to lentil illness which significantly increases a person's chances of becoming deaf as a stone.
FN (OLD): What'd he say? I didn't catch that.
SS (OLD): He said to leave your left prosthesis alone.
FN (OLD): My what?
SS (OLD): Who is she?
FN (OLD): Who?
GK: And so onward we go, a small step forward and two steps to the side, and one step back, and a big leap ahead. It's why we want longevity. So we can see---- (W. FN ECHOES) ---- what comes next. (THEME UP AND OUT)