GK: And now, Bertha's Kitty Boutique brings you a Cat Video from Bertha's Feline Productions. (BIG GONG)
GK: So once there was a kitty cat (MEOW) from St. Paul who was dating a cat from Minneapolis whom she had met online who lived across the valley and one day, to get to her friend's birthday party, she walked across the train trestle over the Mississippi River ----- it was a scary bridge, two hundred feet above the St. Anthony Falls (WATERFALL) And the cat tripped (O NO) and her ankle was caught between the tie and the rail (MEOW) and of course the Empire Builder was coming along (DISTANT WHISTLE) on its way to Chicago and there was the kittycat trapped (MEOW) and mist rising from the waters below (WATERFALL) and did I mention that there was an owl circling overhead (WINGS)? And then ---- a dog ran onto the tracks (BARKING) and stopped the train (TRAIN BRAKES, SCREECHING, LONG STOP) and the engineer got the kitty cat's foot out from between the tie and the rail (DORK HUMMING) (MEOW) but the cat was frightened by the steam (SFX STEAM BLAST, MEOW) and scratched him (YOWL OF PAIN) and he dropped the cat (FALLING MEOW) into the watery chasm below, and by a miracle (HIGH CHOIRBOY: Miracle!) she fell into the boat of a fisherman (MEOW, BUMP) ---- a very disturbed fisherman.
FN (DEMENTED, HIGH): Oh. A kittycat. I hate kittycats. They fill me with loathing. (EVIL LAUGHTER)
GK: And he didn't notice the falls of St. Anthony was right there and the boat went over (CRY, CRUNCH, WATERFALL ROAR) and the cat jumped and the owl flying overhead (OWL CRY, MEOW) seized her in his talons and carried her gently (MEOW) to his pea-green boat with a jar of honey and plenty of money wrapped up in a ten-pound note and they sailed away for a year and a day to the wood where the Piggy-wig stood (SFX) ----- that was what the owl wanted to do, but the cat didn't think so. (MEOW) For one thing, the owl was a heavy smoker (OWL COUGH) and also the owl was a Twins fan and the cat was a Detroit Tigers fan. And even though the owl played a small guitar (SFX) and sang to her under he stars above---- (OWL SINGING: What a beautiful pussy you are, you are, you are) --- he wasn't such a good singer. And so she said goodbye (MEOW) and by this time the pea-green boat had floated way down the river so the cat got on a steamboat, the New Orleans Queen, and (STEAM WHISTLE, CHUGGING OF STEAM ENGINE, CALLIOPE) headed up the Mississippi to Minneapolis and in the morning it pulled into the St. Anthony Locks and (SFX) it got stuck there. They emptied the water out (SFX) and pumped the water back in (SFX) and the big paddlewheeler didn't move. They brought in a tugboat (HORN) and tied it to the stern of the Queen and (ENGINES REV) it pulled as hard as it could and the Queen (STRAIN, CRUNCH) just settled in deeper and so they had to leave it...
GK: ...It had been a boat and then it became housing. But because it's sitting on water, it isn't subject to the laws of Minneapolis such as the law prohibiting hate speech, so when people get angry they can come over to the boat and stand on the deck and----
FN (WITH ECHO): You.....are so.....STOOPID.
GK: And there on the boat live two cats who never get angry at each other, because after you've tried to have a romance with an owl (SFX) everything afterward is easy as can be. (CAT SINGING).
The preceding Cat Video was produced by Bertha's Feline Productions. (GONG)